The Hills S2, Ep3: Chicks before d*cks? Not so much.

Though this episode was called “Best Night Ever” I didn’t find it that fascinating. The best news is that BRODY GOT A HAIRCUT, so now when he’s out with Lauren, you don’t mistake him for Jen on a fat day. We discover that he’s a serial dater (he must get all the girls by batting those long, lucious lashes!) so Lauren tells him he needs to be single. Which is just bait for some sort of “but I want to be with YOU” retort, and if this were a mid-90’s danceyourwaythroughadversity movie, this moment would totally be supplemented by some whispery Mandy Moore tune.

But he says something much, much worse: “I’m a cuddler.” Gagx5.

I hate to say, but I am really starting to lead towards Team Audrina. True, her “To have a friend, you have to be a friend” comment was no earth shattering revelation, but I’ll ask you this– not exclusively in relation to this episode, but in LIFE– why, when it comes to a two-timing dirtbag (like Spencer) it’s THE OTHER GIRL that always gets blamed, not the guy?

I was “seeing” (and by seeing, I mean maintaining this oddly loyal long distance quasi-relationship) this guy, and by him grossly underestimating my technological savvy (ok, I had DeadAIM) I found out about his other girlfriend(s). This is only ridiculous in retrospect, but at first I was infuriated… at the other girls. It makes absolutely no sense, because while he was CONSCIOUSLY aquiring female representatives for every area code in the US (and come to think of it, the UK as well), the girls probably had NO idea. Not saying I’m a superior sleuth or anything, but I’d been warned about him.

What I’m saying is Heidi should be suspicious of dirtbag Ken, not Audrina. But when Audrina shows up (why does she have two phones?) to Heidi’s bday @ La Deux, Heidi blows her off. Yeah, I know she wasn’t invited, but whatev. Jen is obvi vying for a bigger role, maybe hoping Audrina will be phased out for Season 3 and there will be room for a brunette. Shut up, Jen, we don’t care what you think nor should you be starting any drama.

“I’m so cute!”

Their post-bday eatfest is littered with discussion about “how guys are like accessories.” Deep.

Lauren and Whitney have an awkward lunch with Audrina, and when it’s relayed to Heidi, she’s all “I don’t care, I have too many friends and too little time” nyah nyah nyah. What grade are you in again? 2nd?

The last (or second-to-last, but I would like to remove the Brody gagathon from my memory) scene, is horribly tainted by Brody & Ken’s neck bling.

And yeah, the last scene is Brody taking Lauren back to his place, where he drowns her in saccharine compliments and says “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.

I’m not a bitter single who is secretly envious of this union of fashionable hollywood youth– I just don’t trust him.