Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’: Chapter 13

In the thirteenth chapter of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, OH MY GOD MAD-EYE MOODY. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 13: MAD-EYE MOODY

At this point in this series, I shouldn’t be surprised as often as I am. I think that, probably, I’ve been tainted by Twilight. That series was so predictable and lacked any sort of risk that, coming to Harry Potter, where plot twists are aplenty and characters can actually get hurt and lose things, physically and metaphorical, I’m constantly floored by what is probably standard fare for most authors. You know, since people can actually write.

I have to think about this sort of thing, for example, in scenes such as…like when Harry broke his arm in Quidditch. And maybe it’s because I’m so used to stupid American stories for kids and teens that are as safe as can be. I don’t expect people to break arms or have to live life in the shadow of their parents’ murder or face terrifying Dark Arts wizards, and…well, you get the idea.

So yeah. Mad-Eye Moody. My god. MY GOD.

But we have a few things to discuss before we can dive into the Moody Pool. (That sounds gross. Sorry.)

• “You’re eating again, I notice,” said Ron, watching Hermione adding liberal amounts of jam to her toast too.

  “I’ve decided there are better ways of making a stand about elf rights,” said Hermione haughtily.

Oh god, Hermione, my love for you never ends.

• Trying to ignore the sinking feeling of disappointment in his stomach, Harry returned to his porridge. Was it possible that something had happened to Hedwig, and that Sirius hadn’t even got his letter?

Well…now I’m sad. Where is Sirius? :/

We’re introduced to another set of magical creatures during Hagrid’s second year of teaching Care of Magical Creatures: Blast-Ended Skrewts. Which bite. And shoots sparks. And drink blood? God, I love you Hagrid. I don’t love you, Draco Malfoy, however.

• “Well, I can certainly see why we’re trying to keep them alive,” said Malfoy sarcastically. “Who wouldn’t want pets that can burn, sting, and bite all at once?”

  “Just because they’re not very pretty, it doesn’t mean they’re not useful,” Hermione snapped. “Dragon blood’s amazingly magical, but you wouldn’t want a dragon for a pet, would you?”

God, I love you, Hermione. (Despite that you took this back a couple pages after this. Still love you.)

Guess who else is back in book four? Professor Trelawney. And bless her heart, she hasn’t changed:

• “You are preoccupied, my dear,” she said mournfully to Harry. “My inner eye sees past your brave face to the troubled soul within. And I regret to say that your worries are not baseless. I see difficult times ahead for you, alas…most difficult…I fear the thing you dread will indeed come to pass…and perhaps sooner than you think….”

what did you just say

Despite how rude it was, I also laughed when Ron made fun of her:

• Seamus and Dean, who were working nearby, sniggered loudly, though not loudly enough to mask the excited squeals from Lavender Brown–“Oh Professor, look! I think I’ve got an unaspected planet! Oooh, which one’s that, Professor?”

  “It is Uranus, my dear, said Professor Trelawney, peering down at the chart.

  “Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender?” said Ron.

Hello guys, I am five years old and body humor still makes me laugh.

And then…wow. In the efforts of brevity, I’ll run through everything up until this point: Malfoy accosts Ron about a Daily Prophet article (written by Rita Skeeter SURPRISE) in which Ron’s dad got involved with helping Mad-Eye Moody. And then Malfoy starts bullying Ron immediately:

• “Oh yeah, you were staying with them this summer, weren’t you, Potter?” sneered Malfoy. So tell me, is his mother really that porky, or is it just the picture?”

Few things send me into a rage more than fatphobia bullshit like this. Apparently, Harry’s the same way, though he chooses a pretty immature way to respond:

• “You know your mother, Mafloy?” said Harry–both he and Hermione had grabbed the back of Ron’s robes to stop him from launching himself at Malfoy–“that expression she’s got, like she’s got dung under her nose? Has she always looked like that, or was it just because you were with her?”

Rude, but SICK BURN, BRO. Naturally, Malfoy gets mad, but before he can do anything, Mad-Eye Moody steps in and promptly does what someone should have done years ago: turns Malfoy into a ferret and uses his wand to bounce him against the floor.

Really.

• “I don’t think so!” roared Moody, pointing his wand at the ferret again–it flew ten feet into the air, fell with a smack to the floor, and then bounced upward once more.

  “I don’t like people who attack when their opponent’s back’s turned,” growled Moody as the ferret bounced higher and higher, squealing in pain. “Stinking, cowardly, scummy thing to do….”

  The ferret flew through the air, it’s legs and tail flailing helplessly.

  “Never–do–that–again–” said Moody, speaking each word as the ferret hit the stone floor and bounced upward again.

oh.my.god.

Guys….OH MY GOD.

And then…then!!!!…even when McGonagall calls him out on it, HE DOESN’T SWAY FROM BEING A BADASS.

• “Moody, we never use transfiguration as a punishment!” said Professor McGonagall weakly. “Surely Professor Dumbledore told you that?”

  “He might’ve mentioned it, yeah,” said Moody, scratching his chin unconcernedly, “but I thought a good sharp shock–“

  “We give detentions, Moody! Or speak to the offender’s Head of House!”

  “I’ll do that, then,” said Moody, staring at Malfoy with great dislike.

Look, I was already interested in Moody, especially in the way that Rowling introduced him: through third-party stories and then his dramatic, creepy entrance on the first day people arrived at Hogwarts. But now? Now???? Oh GOD, I am so excite.

But even beyond that, this scene acts as a form of catharsis for the reader. I mean…I seriously JUST complained about how much I hate Malfoy, and this happens just two chapters later? I love you, J.K. Rowling.

How many times have I said this? I don’t care. I am so excited to read further, guys.