Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’: Chapter 9

In the ninth chapter of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, WHAT THE FUCK. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 9: THE DARK MARK

oh god oh god OH MY GOD SHIT JUST GOT SO REAL i don’t know how to handle this OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING this was all like HEY WIZARD CAMP IS SO AWESOME DON’T YOU WANT TO GO CAMPING WITH WIZARDS? and then like J.K. Rowling is all like HEY LET ME COMPLETELY DESTROY ALL THAT IS GOOD OH GOD WHY WHY WHY i am scared what is happening oh god

• He was itching to get back on his own Firebolt and try ou the Wronski Feint….Somehow Oliver Wood had never managed to convey with all his wriggling diagrams what that move was supposed to look like…Harry saw himself in robes that had his name on the back, and imagined the sensation of hearing a hundred-thousand-strong crowd roar, as Ludo Bagman’s voice echoed throughout the stadium, “I give you…Potter!”

see this is how Rowling totally makes you believe everything is adorable and hopeful and full of sunshine and puppies before she CRUSHES ALL OF YOUR HAPPINESS do not contradict i am on the Internet and the Internet is never wrong ok

• Dimly, he could tell that something was wrong. The noises in the campsite had changed. The singing had stopped. He could hear screams, and the sound of people running. He slipped down from the bunk and reached for his clothes, but Mr. Weasley, who had pulled on his jeans over his own pajamas, said, “No time, Harry–just grab a jacket and get outside–quickly!”

oh my god what is happening i am so disoriented i can’t even type sentences with periods oh god oh god

• A crowd of wizards, tightly packed and moving together with wands pointing straight upward, was marching slowly across the field. Harry squinted at them….They didn’t seem to have faces….Then he realized that their heads were hooded and their faces masked. High above them, floating along in midair, four struggling figures were being contorted into grotesque shapes. It was as though the masked wizards on the ground were puppeteers, and the people above them where marionettes operated by invisible strings that rose from the wands into the air. Two of the figures were very small.

jesus shitting christ what is happening oh my god i am losing my mind what is this oh my god

• Once or twice Harry saw one of the marchers blast a tent out of his way with his wand. Several caught fire. The screaming grew louder.

if i was a young teen and reading this, i would be curled up in the corner what is happening oh wait I AM ALREADY DOING THIS oh god

• The floating people were suddenly illuminated as they passed over a burning tent and Harry recognized one of them: Mr. Roberts, the campsite manager. The other three looked as though they might be his wife and children. One of the marchers below flipped Mrs. Roberts upside down with his wand; her nightdress fell down to reveal voluminous drawers and she struggled to cover herself up as the crowd below her screeched and hooted with glee.

jesus who are these people oh my god what the fuck is happening good god why

• “Granger, they’re after Muggles,” said Malfoy. “D’you want to be showing off your knickers in midair? Because if you do, hang around…they’re moving this way, and it would give us all a laugh.”

literally why haven’t you died in all the fires yet, Malfoy oh god wait attacking Muggles oh god is it Voldemort OH GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

• “You know, house-elves get a very raw deal!” said Hermione indignantly. “It’s slavery, that’s what it is! That Mr. Crouch made her go up to the top of the stadium, and she was terrified, and he’s got her bewitches o she can’t even run when they start trampling tents! Why doesn’t anyone do something about it?”

FINALLY oh man thank you for speaking to my intellectual soul Hermione you are truly the best character ever i love you so much FUCK OPPRESSION

• “Well, the elves are happy, aren’t they?” Ron said. “You heard old Winky back at the match…’House-elves is not supposed to have fun’…that’s what she likes, being bossed around….”

are you FUCKING SERIOUS RON what is wrong with you I WOULDN’T CALL RUNNING AWAY IN FEAR THAT YOUR MASTER MIGHT DISOWN YOU AS HAPPINESS oh god what a cop-out HATE HATE HATE

• “It’s people like you, Ron,” Hermione began hotly, “who prop up rotten and unjust systems, just because they’re too lazy to–“

GOOD GOD YOU ARE CALLING THIS OUT FOR WHAT IT IS systematic oppression HERMIONE CAN WE MARRY ON THE ASTRAL PLANE FOREVER oh my god

• But she broke off abruptly and looked over her shoulder. Harry and Ron looked quickly around too. It sounded as though someone was staggering toward their clearing. They waited, listening to the sounds of the uneven steps behind the dark trees. But the footsteps came to a sudden halt.

  “Hello?” called Harry.

  There was silence. Harry got to his feet and peered around the tree. It was too dark to see very far, but he could sense somebody standing just beyond the range of his vision.

  “Who’s there?” he said.

  And then, without warning, the silence was rent by a voice unlike any they had heard in the wood; and it uttered, not a panicked shout, but what sounded like a spell.

  “MORSMORDRE!”

  And something vast, green, and glittering erupted from the patch of darkness Harry’s eyes had been struggling to penetrate; it flew up over the treetops and into the sky.

  “What the–?” gasped Ron as he sprang to his feet again, staring up at the thing that had appeared.

  For a split second, Harry thought it was another leprechaun formation. Then he realized that it was a colossal skull, comprised of what looked like emerald stars, with a serpent protruding from its mouth like a tongue. As they watched, it rose higher and higher, blazing in a haze of greenish smoke, etched against the black sky like a new constellation.

WHAT THE HOLY EVERLIVING FUCK IS THAT what is going on oh my god i am so confused

• “Harry, come on, move!” Hermione had seized the collar of his jacket and was tugging him backward.

  “What’s the matter?” Harry said, startled to see her face so white and terrified.

  “It’s the Dark Mark, Harry!” Hermione moaned, pulling him as hard as she could. “You-Know-Who’s sign!”

  “Voldemort’s–?”

  “Harry, come on!”

JESUS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON OH MY GOD

• It was Mr. Crouch. He and the other Ministry wizards were closing in on them. Harry got to his feet to face them. Mr. Crouch’s face was taut with rage.

  “Which of you did it?” he snapped, his sharp eyes darting between them. “Which of you conjured the Dark Mark?”

you cannot be serious how are fourteen-year-old wizards even capable of such fuckery

• “You’ve got someone?” shouted Mr. Crouch, sounding highly disbelieving. “Who? Who is it?”

  They heard snapping twigs, the rustling of leaves, and then crunching footsteps as Mr. Diggory reemerged from behind the trees. He was carrying a tiny, limp figure in his arms. Harry recognized the tea towel at once. It was Winky.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

• “You were found with a wand in your hand!” barked Mr. Diggory, brandishing it in front of her. And as the wand caught the green light that was filling the clearing from the skull above, Harry recognized it.

  “Hey–that’s mine!” he said.

  “Excuse me?” said Mr. Diggory, incredulously.

  “That’s my wand!” said Harry. “I dropped it!”

  “You dropped it?” repeated Mr. Diggory in disbelief. “Is this a confession? You threw it aside after you conjured the Mark?”

  Amos, think who you’re talking to!” said Mr. Weasley, very angrily. “Is Harry Potter likely to conjure the Dark Mark?”

I mean SERIOUSLY your son already beat him unfairly in Quidditch WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN UTTER BUMFACE oh god it’s ok because this is a really scary situation I FORGIVE YOU MR. DIGGORY by the way WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING

• “Well, we’ll soon see,” growled Mr. Diggory, looking unimpressed. “There’s a simple way of discovering the last spell a wand performed, elf, did you know that?”

this is seriously some STAR 69 BULLSHIT HERE oh god WHAT

• “Winky has behaved tonight in a manner I would not have believed possible,” he said slowly. “I told her to remain in the tent. I told her to stay there while I went to sort out the trouble. And I find that she disobeyed me. This means clothes.”

OK first of all IN ANY OTHER CONTEXT that would most certainly be THE SILLIEST DRAMATIC THREAT OF ALL TIME but here it is UNBELIEVABLY DEPRESSING BECAUSE look Mr. Crouch I AM SORRY YOUR ELF TRIED TO PROTECT HERSELF please die in all the fires for this.

• “The way they were treating her!” said Hermione furiously. “Mr. Diggory, calling her ‘elf’ all the time…and Mr. Crouch! He knows she didn’t do it and he’s still going to sack her! He didn’t care how frightened she’d been, or how upset she was–it was like she wasn’t even human!”

  “Well, she’s not,” said Ron.

  Hermione rounded on him.

  “That doesn’t mean she hasn’t got feelings, Ron. It’s disgusting the way–“

  “Hermione, I agree with you,” said Mr. Weasley quickly, beckoning her on, “but now is not the time to discuss elf rights. I want to get back to the tent as fast as we can. What happened to the others?”

OH HERMIONE AND MR. WEASLEY YOU WARM MY HEART ron what are you doing you are becoming a bumface with all this nonsense OH WAIT GOOD POINT they should probably go back to their tent

• “Well, Mr. Crouch is quite right to get rid of an elf like that!” he said. “Running away when he’d expressly told her not to…embarrassing him in front of the Ministry…how would that have looked, if she’d been brought up in front of the Department for the Regulation and Control–“

percy I AM SORRY YOU ARE MR. CROUCH’S TOTAL SOUL MATE but seriously GOD FORBID THAT MR. CROUCH MIGHT BE EMBARRASSED oh Winky might die but that doesn’t matter because OH MY GOD PROFESSIONAL EMBARRASSMENT IS SO HARD MAN

• “She didn’t do anything–she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time!” Hermione snapped at Percy, who looked very taken aback.

oh god Hermione THE GREATEST TRAGEDY IS THAT you are not a real person WAIT DID I JUST TYPE THAT something is seriously wrong with me FUCK PERCY

• “Ron, You-Know-Who and his followers into the air whenever they killed,” said Mr. Weasley. “The terror it inspired…you have no idea, you’re too young. Just picture coming home and finding the Dark Mark hovering over your house, and knowing what you’re about to find inside….” Mr. Weasley winced. “Everyone’s worst fear…the very worst..”

JESUS THAT IS TERRIFYING

• “Well, it didn’t help us tonight, whoever conjured it. It scared the Death Eaters away the moment they saw it. They all Disapparated before we’d got near enough to unmask any of them.”

wait a second WHAT IS A DEATH EATER what the fuck ARE THEY WORSE THAN DEMENTORS oh wait nothing is 🙁 🙁 🙁

• “It’s what You-Know-Who’s supporters called themselves,” said Bill. “I think we saw what’s left of them tonight–the ones who managed to keep themselves out of Azkaban, anyway.”

oh my god SO THAT’S WHAT DEATH EATERS ARE you guys always mention them I AM BECOMING A BETTER PERSON FOR THIS

• “The point?” said Mr. Weasley with a hollow laugh. “Harry, that’s their idea of fun. Half the Muggle killings back when You-Know-Who was in power were done for fun. I suppose they had a few drinks tonight and couldn’t resist reminding us all that lots of them are still at large. A nice little reunion for them,” he finished disgustedly.

why isn’t the earth opening and EATING THESE ASSHOLES FOR LUNCH whyyyyyyyyyyyy

• He thought of the letter he had written to Sirius before leaving Privet Drive. Would Sirius have gotten it yet? When would he reply? Harry lay looking up at the canvas, but no flying fantasies came to him now to ease him to sleep, and it was a long time after Charlie’s snores filled the tent that Harry finally dozed off.

I miss Sirius Black. 🙁 🙁 🙁