Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’: Chapter 6

In the sixth chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Harry spends time in silence for almost a month as the Dursley’s treat him like a ghost. Which is an improvement but still tragically depressing. Except then Harry gets to travel on the Hogwarts Express to school and he meets the Weasleys and Hermione and learns that Draco Malfoy is a bag of dicks and everything is really pretty awesome because WE FINALLY GET TO HOGWARTS! Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 6: THE JOURNEY FROM PLATFORM NINE AND THREE-QUARTERS

DETAIL LOG

HEDWIG

SUBJECT: HARRY POTTER

PERIOD: AUGUST 8TH – SEPTEMBER 1, 1991

AUGUST 8TH, 1991

0845: SUBJECT BRINGS ME HOME TO CLOSET. MUST GET BETTER ASSIGNMENTS

0854: CORRECTION: CLOSET IS NOT HOME.

0926: SUBJECT TALKS TO SPIDERS. CANNOT WAIT TO FLY OUT OF HERE.

1354: SUBJECT HAS NAMED ME “HEDWIG.” BASED ON A MAGIC BOOK. JUST WONDERFUL.

1547: SUBJECT HAS BEEN READING MAGIC BOOKS. I SHALL RETURN TO HOGWARTS HQ.

AUGUST 15TH, 1991

0547: BROUGHT SUBJECT A DEAD RAT AS A SIGN OF LOYALTY. HE PUTS IT UNDER HIS BED. UNAPPRECIATIVE WANKER.

AUGUST 18TH, 1991

1248: BROUGHT SUBJECT ANOTHER DEAD RAT. HE KEEPS READING. CANNOT WAIT TO DEFECATE IN HIS SLEEPING AREA.

AUGUST 30TH, 1991

2045: SUBJECT ASKS UNCLE AND AUNT ABOUT TRANSPORTATION TO LONDON THE NEXT MORNING. PREDICTABLY, THE MUGGLE-DOLTS MAKE FUN OF PLATFORM NIN AND THREE-QUARTERS. MUST REMEMBER TO GET ASSIGNMENTS WITH NON-MUGGLES OR BETTER MUGGLES IN THE FUTURE.

SEPTEMBER 1ST, 1991

0500: SUBJECT WAKES ME UP DURING MY BREAKFAST OF–YOU GUESSED IT–DEAD RAT. HE IS EXCITED TO LEAVE TO HOGWARTS. I’D LIKE TO SLEEP MORE.

0600: SUBJECT PUTS ME IN MY CAGE. I HATE CAGES.

0700: SUBJECT DEPARTS TO LONDON IN CAR WITH DURSLEY FAMILY. THEY SMELL LIKE GARBAGE.

1030: ARRIVE AT KING’S CROSS. DURSELY’S MOCK SUBJECT BECAUSE THEY CANNOT ENTER OUR SPECIAL PLATFORM. STUPID MUGGLES. MUST ARRANGE FOR A TRAIN TO RUN THEM OVER.

1050: SUBJECT ASKS STATION GUARD WHERE THE 11 O’CLOCK TRAIN LEAVES FROM. IS LECTURED ABOUT WASTING TIME. I WISH I COULD TALK. AND SING. I HAVE A LOT TO SING ABOUT.

1055: SUBJECT RUNS INTO THE WEASLEY FAMILY AND OVERHEARS THEM TALKING ABOUT OWLS. THE TWINS SEEM IMPECCABLY ANNOYING. I LIKE RON.

1058: MRS. WEASLEY INFORMS SUBJECT THAT TO ENTER PLATFORM NINE AND THREE-QUARTERS, ONE MUST SIMPLY WALK BETWEEN THE TWO PLATFORMS ON EITHER SIDE. I SUPPOSE TO THE SUBJECT, WHO HAS LIVED WITH INSUFFERABLE MUGGLES HIS WHOLE LIFE, THIS WOULD SEEM STRANGE. STILL, I WISH HE’D HURRY UP AND GET IT OVER WITH. I HID A DEAD RAT UNDER MY WING AND I AM HUNGRY.

1059: SUBJECT BREAKS INTO A FULL SPRINT AND MAKES IT THROUGH TO PLATFORM NINE AND THREE-QUARTERS. NOTE: MANY OF MY OWL BRETHREN ARE HOOTING UP A STORM INSTEAD OF KEEPING THEMSELVES DIGNIFIED AND ORDERED. WILL PROVIDE A LIST OF NAMES UPON REQUEST.

1100: THE WEASLEY TWINS, FRED AND GEORGE, RECOGNIZE SUBJECT AS HARRY POTTER. THIS CONTINUES TO AMAZE ME AS THE BOY CAN BARELY TIE HIS SHOES. I HAVE BEEN A FAITHFUL OWL SERVANT FOR YEARS (AND WITH MUCH BETTER NAMES THAN HEDWIG) AND YET NO ONE IS FAWNING OVER ME.

1102: HOGWARTS EXPRESS LEAVES PLATFORM NINE AND THREE-QUARTERS. GOING TO ATTEMPT TO EAT MY DEAD RAT.

1105: RON WEASLEY IS INTERROGATING HARRY POTTER. MMMMM DEAD RAT MMMMMMMMMMMMM

1230: FOOD ARRIVED AND SUBJECT BUYS ONE OF EVERYTHING. POOR KID. EVEN I HAVE HAD BERTIE BOTT’S EVERY FLAVOR BEANS AND I AM AN OWL, FOR DUMBLEDORE’S SAKE.

1231: SUBJECT ACTUALLY SUGGESTS TRADING A PUMPKIN PASTY FOR ONE OF WEASLEY’S CORNED BEEF SANDWICHES. IS THIS BOY MAD???

1233: SUBJECT LEARNS THAT, UNLIKE THE MUGGLE WORLD, SUBJECTS IN PHOTOGRAPHS DO NOT STAY PUT. WHICH…WELL, OBVIOUSLY THEY DON’T. THEY HAVE THINGS TO ATTEND TO.

1245: RON ATTEMPTS TO TURN HIS RAT SCABBERS YELLOW. A YOUNG GIRL HAS SHOWN UP. SHE SOUNDS LIKE SHE MEANS BUSINESS.

1249: RON SAYS SOMEONE TRIED TO BREAK INTO GRINGOTTS. WHAT A FOOL.

1455: DRACO MALFOY HAS SHOWED UP TO TALK WITH SUBJECT. I FIND HIS ANTI-MUGGLISM TO BE SLIGHTLY REVOLTING. AND THAT’S A LOT, COMING FROM SOMEONE LIKE ME.

1456: MALFOY ACTUALLY SUGGESTS THAT POTTER’S PARENTS WERE KILLED BECAUSE THEY WEREN’T POLITE ENOUGH. I DESIRE TO BE LET OUT OF THIS CAGE SO I MAY PECK OUT THE BLOKE’S EYES.

1457: MALFOY TRIED TO TAKE SUBJECT’S FOOD. SCABBERS THE RAT BIT MALFOY. DESPITE BEING MAD THAT A DUMB, LAZY RAT IS DEFENDING MY ASSIGNMENT, THIS IS AN ACCEPTABLE END. CAN MAGICAL RATS PASS RABIES? MUST FIND THIS OUT.

1500: RON REVEALED THAT MALFOY’S FAMILY USED TO BE ON THE “DARK” SIDE WITH YOU-KNOW-WHO AND JUST “CONVENIENTLY” CAME BACK. YES, SOME EYE-PECKAGE IS IN ORDER.

1608: ARRIVED AT HOGWARTS. SUBJECT IS OVERWHELMED. I CAN HEAR HAGRID YELLING SOMETHING.

1620: TOOK BOAT ACROSS LAKE TO HOGWARTS. IT IS DARK OUT. I AM HUNGRY AGAIN. MUST EAT MALFOY’S EYES ANOTHER DEAD RAT.