Battle: Los Angeles – It’s The End of the World (Again)

Battle: Los Angeles comes out today. I don’t know about you, but I LOVE movies where I can watch the world get torn a new one from the safety of a plush movie seat as I sip on a soda and enjoy snacks that cost me upwards of $20 USD.


I wrote this yesterday, before the earthquake/tsunami in Japan hit. This isn’t a jab or anything about any of those happenings but rather a ridiculous look at natural disasters as brought about by Hollywood.

A brief synopsis about this film can be found here – IMdB

I want to give you a run down of what this movie is about. I’m not really here to blog about that. I really should be talking about how this movie is full of explosions (YES), robots from space that everyone thinks are metors at first (DOUBLE YES), and Aaron Eckhart (YES PLZ GURLFRIEND – see below), but I’m not.

Aaron Eckhart, sans sword and scabbard (because he left it at my house WINK WINK)

As much as I want to talk about Aaron Eckhart and all these hot military mens and womens in Battle: LA, I am not going to. As much as I want to gab about my slight uniform fetish, I will keep that to myself and my therapist. Rather, I want to take a look at some of the close calls that the world has had, all thanks to Hollywood.

Let us take a gander at some of the fun ways that we’ve been able to watch the world almost meet its end.

Movie: Children of MenMethod of Destruction: Infertility

First, let me tell how damn amazing this movie is. ITS VERY AMAZING. I can’t even begin to tell you how F-ing stunning everything about this movie. Also, Michael Cane as a hippie stoner in the year 2027: BRILLIANT. This movie is mental fap material.

Anyways, what happens in this film is that humankind is DYING. Something leads to the infertility of everyone on the planet and we, as a species, are totally screwed. Turns out, there is a woman that is preggers and it’s like, a totally big deal. All of these crazy socio-politcal things are going on and they have to get this woman to this research ship out at sea and OMG ALL THIS STUFF HAPPENS AND IT’S TOTALLY AMAZEBALLS.

There is this one scene that I won’t tell you about because OMG SPOILER ALERT but I CRIED because it was so ~beautiful~ This movie is a must see. LOVES IT.

Movie: The Day After TomorrowMethod of Destruction: THE WEATHER LOL

New York turns into the Jersey Shore, stuff freezes and Los Angeles is blown away by tornados. Basically, the weather ruins everyone’s travel plans because of humankind’s arrogance and inability to listen to Dennis Quaid. Whatever. The only disaster here was the script. OMG IM SO WITTY. Just show me stuff getting jacked up and skip the dumb Father/Son Hollywood love story.

Movie: I Am LegendMethod of Destruction: Plague

Turns out that cure for cancer turns humans into monsters and lots of people die. This movie was released during 2007. During the same year, the book The World Without Us was also released. I don’t think there is any correlation between these two works but TWWU is basically about how if there were no people on earth, nature would rebound, everything would fall apart in a urban decay type deal, and so on and so forth. That’s what a lot of the imagery in this movie reminded me of. It’s pretty rad.

So what happens in this movie is the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire and his trusty dog (Carlton or Sam or something) go around and gather food all while avoiding these angry, CGI monster people that are all busted because the plague/cure for cancer made them hideous and stuff. Oh and they have to go to some safe place/compound thing for whatever I don’t care because the end happens and it’s totally stupid and I felt like I was ripped of.

Movie: 28 Days LaterMethod of Destrucion: RAGE ZOMBIES! YUS!

Another virus and more people all raged out. The thing is, this movie is TOTALLY AMAZING and scary. Oh and Cillian Murphy can actually act and has more faces than that one face that Will Smith does where he just stands there and looks like a bad ass. It’s called “range.” You know, that thing that for reals actors do. A+ Cillian, A+.

So, this movie is basically what happens when PETA does a “UH OH” and releases these primates that have this disease that is transmitted by saliva. Everything goes bananas (get it?), all these people die, lots are infected with this rage virus, and that’s pretty much it. Well, that and the whole Cillian Murphy wakes up and no one is around so he goes and looks for his peeps and hijinks ensue. By hijinks I mean “Oh run a bunch and try not to let these things eat you and OMG PANIC ON THE STREETS OF LONDON!”

Movie: SunshineMethod of Destruction: The Sun is dying, the earth is freezing, and this crazy dude in space is trying to ruin everything

I wanted to use the movie post for this but um HOW AMAZING IS THIS STILL FROM THE FILM? Lots of stuff is centered around this crazy room so if you’ve seen this movie before, you’ll totes get it. If you haven’t seen this movie, just enjoy the damn picture.

In this film, the sun is dying and that, in turn, makes the rock we inhabit require the world’s largest Snuggie to stay warm. Obviously, that doesn’t happen (sads). What does happen is the pooling together of every resource under the dying sun to create this device that will basically “jumpstart” the sun. This is the second time a space mission is sent to do this because the prior endevour was lost in space. It’s kind of the last chance to save the earth from a turning into a giant freezer.

During the mission, contact is made with the previous ship for the earlier mission and then all kinds of things go wrong. Some crazy dude jacks stuff up, and O NOES. Anyway, I won’t say anything else lest I SPOIL YOU.

This film is scored beautifully as the psychological aspects of long term space travel are explored and various inaccurices are exploted all in the name of plot. It’s a stellar work you should check out.

Movie: 2012Method of Destruction: The Aztec Calendar + a myriad of IMPLAUSIBLE happenings all in a CGI, script-wreck, vom fest.

First, I can talk all the hot mess I want to on this film because Roland Emmerich is SNGAF. He and his $7 Million+ GROSS REVENUE for this film can buy me and I would probably let that happen (haaaaay early retirement).

Where do I even begin with this film other than by yelling at you if you saw it by paying for it? That’s what the internet is for. I mean, we all knew Avatar: The Last Airbender was going to suck hard so we all just watched ripped versions of it in Russian with subtitles on Ch. 131 or something. Same thing with this movie. You have an obligation to not pay for big budget suck fests like this.

Do we really need to pay John Cusak and the rest of the cast that over-acted with their horrible versions of drama? No, no we don’t. And we shouldn’t.

This film totally cashed in on all the hype about 2012 (thanks, Mayans). Here’s the plot intro from wiki (because I can’t be bothered to sum this up and relive the HORROR that this film is):

“In 2009, Adrian Helmsley (Chiwetel Ejiofor), an American geologist, visits astrophysicist Dr. Satnam Tsurutani (Jimi Mistry) in India and learns that neutrinos from a massive solar flare are causing the temperature of the Earth’s core to increase. Adrian informs White House Chief of Staff Carl Anheuser (Oliver Platt) and United States President Thomas Wilson (Danny Glover) that this will trigger a catastrophic chain of natural disasters.”

Oh and then there are these massive arks built and whatever, I don’t even care. I watched this film for the scenes of destruction (which were pretty nifty at times but then they were ruined by one liners and OH ARE YOU KIDDING ME THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN moments).

Movie(s): Deep Impact/ArmageddonMethod of Destruction: Comets & Asteroids

Let’s talk about how Bruce Willis is a Silver Fox and how Deep Impact wasn’t all “AMERICA! F YEAH!” These movies are pretty much the same thing except Deep Impact was supposedly more “science based” and Armageddon was more based on the fact that AMERICA IS THE BESTEST EVS. There are also a lot of shots in slow motion and then there’s that annoying song by Aerosmith.

If Hollywood isn’t busy making films about Sandra Bullock or something, they are usually making films about the end of the world. While I enjoy being a voyuer and watching Paris get obliterated by metors, I really don’t like watching ENTIRE movies that suck just see one good scene that ruins everyone’s day.

Instead, I like listening to NIN and watching videos of stuff blowing up, like so:

I’ve left a TON of movies out of this list in the hopes that you include some of your faves in teh comments. That means GET TO IT!

Will you be watching Battle: LA?