Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’: Chapter 26

In the twenty-sixth chapter of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry nearly has a mental breakdown trying to figure out how he will survive spending an hour underwater. When Dobby acts as a convenient deus es machina to solve this problem, Rowling redeems this instantly by writing one of the weirdest scenes in the entire series. And weird is good. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 26: THE SECOND TASK

I’m not the biggest fan of the first half of this chapter, but man, Rowling knocks it clean out of the park with the end result.

Besides the gillyweed thing (which I’ll get to), this is another point where I feel like the clues are all so obvious in hindsight. I mean, Ron and Hermione get called away the night before the task and…

Oops. I’m getting ahead of myself. Harry’s difficulty in determining how on earth he’s supposed to communicate with merpeople inspires both Hermione and Ron to genuinely help him with the prospect. I especially liked that Ron didn’t seem to pitch his normal fight in the matter either. Even when he realizes how hopeless things seem, he still has a great sense of humor about it.

• “Harry, just go down to the lake tomorrow, right, stick your head in, yell at the merpeople to give back whatever they’ve nicked, and see if they chuck it out. Best you can do, mate.”

I am totally back to loving you again, Ron.

Reading it the second time…god, how was this not the most obvious thing ever? Professor McGonagall calls Ron and Hermione (and only them) to her office, late at night, leaving Harry to mull over more spell books in the library. And fall asleep. And wake up the next day. Late.

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH FUCK.

Here’s what I don’t like: Harry doesn’t ultimately figure out what to do. Dobby overhears McGonagall and Moody talking about gillyweed–which will allow Harry to breathe underwater–and he informs Harry. And the thing the merpeople took? Ron.

That’s it.

Thinking how unfortunate this was as a narrative technique, I wasn’t all that excited about the Second Task. After all the work Harry did on his own, to have the answer handed to him seemed cheap. How was Rowling going to make this exciting?

No sooner was I thinking this than did Rowling totally take me by surprise:

• Then, quite suddenly, Harry felt as though an invisible pillow had been pressed over his mouth and nose. He tried to draw breath, but it made his head spin; his lungs were empty, and he suddenly felt a piercing pain on either side of his neck–

  Harry clapped his hands around his throat and felt two large slits just below his ears, flapping in the cold air…He had gills. Without pausing to think, he did the only thinkg that made sense–he flung himself forward into the water.

So what does Harry get for not figuring out an answer for himself? Dobby forgets to tell him that gillyweed will GIVE YOU GILLS AND WEBBED HANDS AND FEET.

This is so DEEPLY FUCKED UP AND WEIRD and I love VIRTUALLY EVERY SECOND OF IT.

As Harry quickly adapts to this odd sensation, the terror sets in. Dude is underwater. Trying to find merpeople. And save Ron. WHO IS ALSO UNDERWATER. (WTF how is he breathing what is going on what the fuck is this strange task).

I have told you guys before. I love weird. I love strange things in literature. And none of this actually makes any real sense in any real way and I seriously don’t care.

So Harry, WHO IS LIKE HALF FROG RIGHT NOW, keeps swimming deeper into the lake when, of course, things get way, way, way worse. First, a couple of grindylows (those pesky water demons that Lupin introduced to his students) latch on to Harry’s legs and is robe and decide it’s going to be awesome to sink their fangs into him. Harry gets them off with a relashio spell, but learns he can’t talk underwater. Everything just comes out as a bubble.

Oh, and then he comes upon the merpeople and they are not the pretty, anthropomorphized beings immortalized in paintings in the prefect bathroom. THEY ARE HELLISH CREATURES LURKING IN THE MURKY DEPTHS.

• The merpeople had grayish skin and long, wild, dark green hair. Their eyes were yellow, as were their broken teeth, and they wore thick ropes of pebbles around their necks. They leered at Harry as he swam past; one or two of them emerged from their caves to watch him better, their powerful, silver fish tails beating the water, spears clutched in their hands.

No, seriously, WHAT HAS THIS BOOK TURNED INTO. Oh god, it’s like The Twilight Zone condensed into some weird Quantam Leap episode or something. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH, PLEASE GET WEIRDER.

• Ron was tied between Hermione and Cho Chang. There was also a girl who looked no older than eight, whose clouds of silvery hair made Harry feel sure that she was Fleur Delacour’s sister. All four of them appeared to be in a very deep sleep. Their heads were lolling onto their shoulders, and fine streams of bubbles kept issuing from their mouths.

No. Seriously, guys. Seriously. WHAT IS THIS. Can we just imagine this? Can we take a moment to appreciate how fucked up this image is? WHAT IS GOING ON WHY IS THE SCHOOL ALLOWING THIS TOMFOOLERY HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY STILL BREATHING oh god what is happening.

So…what happens next. GOD. Harry figures out that he cannot receive help. He has to retrieve Ron himself. But, additionally, he cannot get any of the other people held down here; the champion for each person must set them free.

And look, this kind of shit just does not fly with Harry. Hermione is his best friend, Cho is his SUPER AWESOME CRUSH, and Harry isn’t one to leave YOUNG CHILDREN DOWN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN.

Thankfully, Cedric and Krum both arrive, one after the other, and free Cho and Hermione. But Fleur doesn’t show up. At all.

This series isn’t short on Harry’s heroism or his constant attempts to be selfless. I don’t think this is any different in that context. However, in this instance, we’ve spent an entire book with Harry finally thinking more and more about himself and being selfish. (Not necessarily in a bad way all the time, but selfish nonetheless.)

And then Harry goes and even surprises me.

He cuts Fleur’s sister loose, threatening the merpeople along the way, and, risking his own life, drags them up to the surface. I say “drags” because OF COURSE THE GILLYWEED STARTS TO WEAR OFF. oh god whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

This is when, once again, I’m totally floored by the endgame of a narrative strand. Harry swims to shore with Ron and Fleur’s sister, Gabrielle, when Ron reveals that maybe things weren’t what they seemed.

• “Harry, you prat,” said Ron, “you didn’t take that song thing seriously, did you? Dumbledore wouldn’t have let any of us drown!”

wait WHAT

• “It was only to make sure you got back inside the time limit!” said Ron. “I hope you didn’t waste time down there acting the hero!”

Well, holy shit. Guess I’m the fool too, right?

Bravo, Rowling. Now Harry’s tied for first place with Cedric, the stakes are higher than ever, and your book is now in high gear. My stomach hurts with anticipation.