Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’: Chapter 9

In the ninth chapter of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 9: GRIM DEFEAT

This chapter makes me feel one of two emotions, which I will now demonstrate through the use of two strategic GIF images:

Basically, right?

Again, I’m constantly surprised that Rowling is actually taking risks with her characters. As I mentioned in the chapter 8 review, I didn’t expect that she would actually have Harry miss Hogsmeade, but she did. Her characters have repercussions to their actions? WHAT IS THIS MAGICAL WORLD OF NON-TWILIGHT FUCKERY.

Also, I think I’m done ever expressing disbelief that this is a “children’s book,” because IT IS CLEARLY NOTHING OF THE SORT ANYMORE. Jesus, this chapter is SO RAGEY AND DEPRESSING AND SCARY and basically I love that it is this way.

Shall we?

Dumbeldore restricts all the students to their respective common rooms until the staff can search the castle for Black. And to keep everyone together, he does this:

• One casual wave of his wand and the long tables flew to the edges of the hall and stoof themselves against the walls; another wave, and the floor was covered with hundreds of squashy purple sleeping bags.

That might just be the coolest and most practical magical trick of all time.

The Head Boys/Girls are put in charge of each area, which means Percy has to go and ruin all of the fun of this impromptu slumber party:

• “The lights are going out now!” Percy shouted. “I want everyone in their sleeping bags and no more talking!”

THANKS, DUDE. Once again, THANKS FOR NOT HELPING ANYTHING OR ANYONE.

Hours later, Harry, unable to sleep, manages to overhear a pretty creepy conversation between Percy, Dumbledore, and Snape:

• “You remember the conversation we had, Headmaster, just before–ah–the start of term?” said Snape, who was barely opening his lips, as though trying to block Percy out of the conversation.

  “I do, Severus,” said Dumbledore, and there was something like warning in his voice.

  “It seems–almost impossible–that Black could have entered the school without inside help. I did express my concerns when you appointed–“

  “I do not believe a single person inside this castle would have helped Black enter it,” said Dumbledore, and his tone made it so clear that the subject was closed that Snape didn’t reply.

It’s obvious Snape’s referring to Lupin. Is that why he’s giving him that weird potion that makes him…less uncomfortable? I still don’t know what it actually is or what it does.

Hmmm.

While I pondered this, the narrative switched to Harry’s next Quidditch match. Oliver Wood becomes distressed that Slytherin is no longer playing against Gryffindor. (Poor Malfoy and his arm ONLY NOT F HIM IN THE FACE) It’s a strange reaction because they learn they have to instead play Hufflepuff, who generally win nothing ever because…well, DUH, they are Hufflepuffs.

And that’s when Cedric Diggory, aka Edward Cullen LOL is introduced. Is it bad that I will be unable to think of him in any other terms? OH WELL.

Apparently he’s the new Captain and Seeker for Hufflepuff and he’s tall and dreamy? Oh god, it’s seriously Twilight. Only this is like a thousand times better.

• “Oliver, calm down!” said Fred, looking slightly alarmed. “We’re taking Hufflepuff very seriously. Seriously.”

Because it’s Hufflepuff. And seriously. Seriously.

Enough with the joking. I told you this chapter filled me with rage and utter terror. Let’s get to that.

• “Where’s Professor Lupin?” he said.

  “He says he is feeling too ill to teach today,” said Snape with a twisted smile. “I believe I told you to sit down?”

  But Harry stayed where he was.

  “What’s wrong with him?”

  Snape’s black eyes glittered.

  “Nothing life-threatening,” he said, looking as though he wished it were. “Five more points from Gryffindor, and if I have to ask you to sit down again, it will be fifty.”

WHAT CRAWLED INTO YOU AND DIED, SNAPE? Also, isn’t it a bit exciting to see Harry start to stand up more for himself? YES. Yes, it is.

• “As I was saying before Potter interrupted, Professor Lupin has not left any record of the topics you have covered so far–”

  “Please, sir, we’ve done boggarts, Red Caps, kappas, and grindy-lows,” said Hermione quickly, “and we’re just about to start–“

  “Be quiet,” said Snape coldly. “I did not ask for information. I was merely commenting on Professor Lupin’s lack of organization.”

why do you hate

No, seriously, Snape backstory. Now. NOW.

He further yells at Hermione when she tries to actually inform them where they are in class. Then he yells at Parvati when she informs him that they hadn’t gotten to werewolves yet. Then when he asks the class about werewolves and Hermione answers….oh god.

• “That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger,” said Snape coolly. “Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.”

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!! How on earth does Snape get away talking like this?

Ron makes sure he doesn’t:

• It was a mark of how much the class loathed Snape that they were all glaring at him, because every one of them had called Hermione a know-it-all at least once, and Ron, who told Hermione she was a know-it-all at least twice a week, said loudly, “You asked us a question and she knows the answer! Why ask us if you don’t want to be told?”

This is bad. I still love you dearly, Ron. Even though you get detention. 🙁

Are we ready to live in fear? I’m not. 🙁

I’m just going to jump to it. During the insane Quidditch match against Hufflepuff, which is also during torrential rain in the midst of a nasty storm, everything becomes terrible and I want to curl into a ball and never wake up.

• He turned, intending to head back toward the middle of the field, but at that moment, another flash of lightning illuminated the stands, and Harry saw something that distracted him completely–the silhouette of an enormous shaggy black dog, clearly imprinted against the sky, motionless in the topmost, empty row of seats.

OH GOD OH GOD OH MY GOD

• But something odd was happening. An eerie silence was falling across the stadium. The wind, though strong as ever, was forgetting to roar. It was as though someone had turned off the sound, as though Harry had gone suddenly deaf–what was going on?

  And then a horribly familiar wave of cold swept over him, inside him, just as he became aware of something moving on the field below….

  Before he’d had time to think, Harry had taken his eyes off the Snitch and looked down.

  At least a hundred dementors, their hidden faces pointing up at him, were standing beneath him. It was as though freezing water were rising in his chest, cutting at his insides.

Literally one of the creepiest things ever. Hold me, Hagrid.

• And then he heard it again….Someone was screaming, screaming inside his head…a woman….

  “Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!”

  “Stand aside, you silly girl…stand aside, now….”

  “Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead–“

  Numbing, swirling white mist was filling Harry’s brain….What was he doing? Why was he flying? He needed to help her….She was going to die…She was going to be murdered….

  He was falling, falling the icy mist.

  “Not Harry! Please…have mercy…have mercy….”

  A shrill voice was laughing, the women was screaming, and Harry knew more.

JESUS. CHRIST.

So not only does Harry lose the Quidditch match, he’s in extreme pain. HELLO CHARACTERS WHO ACTUALLY SUFFER.

• “Where is Wood?” said Harry, suddenly realizing he wasn’t there.

  “Still in the showers, said Fred. “We think he’s trying to drown himself.”

oh my god 🙁 🙁 🙁

But Rowling isn’t done crushing all of our hopes and dreams. She has to crush something else:

• Slowly, she reached down for a bag at her feet, turned it upside down, and tipped a dozen bits of splintered wood and twig onto the bed, the remains of Harry’s faithful, finally beaten broomstick.

Excuse me. Going to go jump off a building.