Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire’: Chapter 2

In the second chapter of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry wakes suddenly to an intense pain on his strange, lightning bolt-shaped scar on his forehead. Is Lord Voldemort around? Concerned, Harry decides to contact Sirius Black. Oh, and there’s a ton of distracting summarizing of the previous three books. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 2: THE SCAR

Seriously, J.K. Rowling. I know that this book is aimed at 14 year-old kids (in theory?), but at that point in my life, I was already watching plenty of serialized television shows. I’d seen sequels and trilogies.

Yes, I was into some nerdy shit at 14. But guess what? My friends at the time had also seen the Star Wars movies. These are the same people who thought The Twilight Zone had “too much thinking” in it.

So, my short message to you: GET ON WITH IT.

Stop summarizing the last books. It’s really distracting and kind of irritating. I know what happened. I realize there was a great deal of time in between the release of each of these books. But I read those books. And I generally remember what happened. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy are you still summarizing things?

That’s it. I’m done with my privileged, whiny griping. On to the Harry Potter world!

• Harry listened closely to the silence around him. Was he half-expecting to hear the creak of a stair or the swish of a cloak?

God, I love this set of lines so much. It’s nice to have an author poke fun at her main character.

• Harry had never been able to confide in them or tell them anything about his life in the wizarding world. The very idea of going to them when they awoke, and telling them about his scar hurting him, and about his worries about Voldemort, was laughable.

It’s also deeply depressing. I know I should be used to Harry’s life with the Durselys, but this is way sad. ATTENTION: MARK IS GOING TO REVEAL TOO MUCH ABOUT HIS PAST IN ABOUT FIVE SECONDS.

But yeah. This is what it was like for me, growing up in my household. I never felt like I could confide in my own family; in that sense, it definitely seemed “laughable” to even consider telling them about my fears, my problems, or my concerns.

THIS IS DEEPLY DEPRESSING AS WELL. LET US MOVE ON TO BETTER THINGS.

What about Harry imagining Hermione’s response to his scar dilemma?

• “Your scar hurt? Harry, that’s really serious….Write to Professor Dumbledore! And I’ll go and check Common Magical Ailments and Afflictions….Maybe there’s something in there about curse scars….”

Oh god, this is so painfully true. Also, I kind of miss Hermione. 🙁 why am i developing bizarre attachments to fictional characters

This isn’t helping things:

• As for informing the headmaster, Harry had no idea where Dumbledore went during the summer holidays. He amused himself for a moment, picturing Dumbledore, with his long silver beard, full-length wizard’s robes, and pointed hat, stretched out on a beach somewhere, rubbing suntan lotion onto his long crooked nose.

Literally, is Harry going to start writing fanfiction? What is happening to my brain oh my god this series

• But what would he write?

  Dear Professor Dumbledore, Sorry to bother you, but my scar hurt this morning. Yours sincerely, Harry Potter.

  Even inside his head the words sounded stupid.

Now, maybe I am certainly looking into this with far too much of my own brain, but I think this is a neat way for Rowling to (sort of) acknowledge Harry’s own personal weirdness. And look….sure, this series has a bit of tunnel vision. It has to. Hell, the title of every book has “Harry Potter” in it. It’s always going to be about him. But I thought this was a great way to sort of tell the reader, “Hey, I know this is a bit absurd.” I liked it.

Then Rowling writes another set of sentences that are…kind of sad. Again.

• What he really wanted (and it felt almost shameful to admit it to himself) was someone like–someone like a parent: an adult wizard whose advice he could ask without feeling stupid, someone who cared about him, who had had experience with Dark Magic….

🙁

This leads Harry to realize that he should have contacted his godfather, Sirius Black, the entire time. Because…LIKE HOW HAVE YOU NOT ALREADY WRITTEN A FEW THOUSAND LETTERS TO HIM ALREADY. I do like that Rowling says that Harry had received two letters from Sirius, but she doesn’t elaborate much at all about what’s inside them. It’s a nice thought, to imagine what Sirius had written to Harry.

No, I am not going to write fanfiction and guess what happened.

Harry’s letter to Sirius is very sweet and makes me want to high five him on the astral plane, but one thing struck me as very, very weird.

• Dudley’s diet isn’t going too well. My aunt found him smuggling doughnuts into his room yesterday. They told him they’d have to cut his pocket money if he keeps doing it, so he got really angry and chucked his PlayStation out of the window. That’s a sort of computer thing you can play games on.

ok WHAT IS THIS. First of all, I HAVE OWNED ONE OF THESE. I OWN ONE NOW. why is harry potter talking about this what is going on

Secondly, I doubt that Sirius Black has any clue what a computer is because HE HAS BEEN IN AZKABAN FOR A REALLY, REALLY LONG TIME. I also doubt that he was allowed to check his Facebook or anything while he was there.

Thirdly, COMPUTERS EXIST IN THE HARRY POTTER WORLD SIMULTANEOUS TO WHAT IS GOING ON. If Rowling includes a chapter where she describes Harry going on the Internet, I’m going to punch myself in the face.

Keep my Harry Potter away from the Internet.

Oh wait TOO LATE oh god oh god HARRY POTTER FEN.