Tacky Twilight Thursdays, Eclipse Edition: Hot Topic


This merch? It’s bad. But it’s not the bad I’ve come to expect from you when it comes to Twilight merch. Wherefor are the days of the Edward Cullen Body Glitter? The Werewolf Tattoo Packing Tape? You have let me down in ways I cannot fully explain here.

Oh, but don’t think you’re getting off easy. Oh no. I’ve still got plenty to talk about in this final installment of:

So, very quickly, we notice there is a certain theme to the Eclipse offerings from Hot Topic:

Team Edward and Team Jacob Bracelets.

Team Edward and Team Jacob shirts.

Heart necklaces…


Okay, am I the only one who thinks this is getting a little…um…repetitive? I mean, what am I aupposed to make fun of here?


Yep. Team Edward and Team Jacob WATERBOTTLES. I suppose they’d come in handy if you were one of the crazy people camping out at the Eclipse premier in order to get a look at the cast members. But then you’d be CRAZY.

Oh, and another team finally gets represented here:


And no, this is not some hilarious Eclipse/FIFA World Cup joint project. It is for “Team Switzerland,” or people who are completely neutral on the Edward versus Jacob thing.

Which is good, because if there’s going to be an Eclipse/World Cup tie in, it had BETTER be the official Eclipse Vuvuzela!

Sadly, this does not exist. I would so totally be “Team Sounds Like You’re Covered In Bees!”

But wait, let me get something straight here: the whole “Team” thing is who you want Bella to end up with, right? Like, that’s the big argument. Oh no, who will she end up with, the vampire True Love or the werewolf Boy Next Door. The suspense. The drama. The utterly predictable outcome.

Okay, so, if that’s what teams are for, what’s with this?

Does…does this shirt imply that the wearer wants Bella to end up with ALICE at the end of the books? Is there some secret Hot Topic Twilight Lesbian Conspiracy? Especially considering this shirt:

You’re proposing marriage. To another woman. By posting the message across your boobs.

You can also, however, choose to have Jacob resting firmly in that area between your breasts:

Come, Jacob. Live between my tatas.

Also? KUDOS to Hot Topic for going with the classic NWO Wolf Pack color scheme of black and red.


Not too terribly bad. And one of the few shirts that doesn’t involve a screen/promo shot of a character.


You cannot TRULY realize how terrible this throw is unless you go to the website and get a close-up of the faces. They are SOULLESS AND FROZEN. It is legitimately CREEPY.

Thus concludes Tacky Twilight Thursdays, Eclipse Edition. But don’t worry. It WILL return for Breaking Dawn. Me? I’m hoping for a long white shirt with blood splatter all over the abdomen that reads “I LOVE MY UTERUS NOMMING HELLSPAWN DAUGHTER!”