Back to…

…my own dreams again. That was my biggest mistake.

Horrible dream last night about my asshole ex. I was at this party where I didn’t know anybody, and he shows up. He starts saying something about “I know you’re lonely and can’t find anyone else. So I’ll tell you what. You promise to not be such a crazy bitch and fuck up our relationship like you did last time, ’cause it was all you, and I’ll take you back and it can be just like before.”

I replied with “Wait, what?”

And he continued on with, “Well, if you hadn’t been so crazy everything would have been just fine. So I’ll tell you what, just admit it was all your fault and we’ll get back together.”

At which point I started yelling “I wans’t the one who cheated! I didn’t pretend to go to my cousin’s wedding and have my mother lie for me so I could sleep with another woman! I didn’t hook up with someone random at a bar! I didn’t hook up with somone I met on Neopets!”

Then I stormed off. But then everywhere I went after that was flooding. My bathroom, this mall I was in, everywhere. And I just kept thinking to myself “Maybe he’s right. Maybe I should just go back to him. Maybe he was my last shot at happyness, even if I was miserable with I was with him. And worse, if I don’t go back to him, everyone will think I’m a total unforgiving bitch and will hate me for it because maybe the whole thing falling apart WAS my fault and I deserved it all.”

And everytime I thought that, the flooding got worse. Until I was on a life raft trying to get to this boat to get me out of there…then my raft flipped over and I didn’t make it.

I don’t have most of those thoughts in real life. If he ever showed back up and said anything like that to me, I’d kill him. If he even showed up on his knees begging my forgiveness for all the shit he put me through, I’d KICK HIM IN THE FACE. But sometimes I get scared that he WAS my shot at marriage and domestic bliss. Not that I really WANT domestic bliss, but was that my last shot at finding someone brain damaged enough to spend the rest of his life with me? I fantasize about rock stars, tell me who doesn’t have a fantasy like that, but I’m well aware that it’s fantasy.

I am terrifed of spending the rest of my life utterly alone, never meeting anyone who can get me or understand me. I am even more terrified that I met that person and lost them (not my asshole ex, but maybe somebody I didn’t even give a chance to). I am especially terrified that I will meet that person and they will want nothing to do with me because I’m not exactly a prime catch here, folks.

And that is why I fucking hate love. Because love, given the right opportunity, can destroy a person completely.