Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’: Chapter 14

In the fourteenth chapter of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, all hope is gone. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 14: CORNELIUS FUDGE

Things can’t get worse, right?

Right???

• The three of them fell silent. After a long pause, Hermione voiced the knottiest question of all in a hesitant voice.

  “Do you think we should go and ask Hagrid about it all?”

  “That’ll be a cheerful visit,” said Ron. “‘Hello, Hagrid. Tell us, have you been setting anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?'”

As long as Ron is around, all is well. Why is there not a pocket-sized Ron for me to carry about during my daily struggles?

Even Harry just wants Ron around as much as possible. When faced with having to choose his third-year focus:

• But the only thing Harry felt he was really good at was Quidditch. In the end, he chose the same new subjects as Ron, feeling that if he was lousy at them, at least he’d have someone friendly to help him.

<33333333333333333333

This is going to be ok! Hagrid isn’t in trouble. Our friends have each other. There’s hope!

• The contents of Harry’s trunk had been thrown everywhere. His cloak lay ripped on the floor. The bedclothes had been pulled off his four-poster and the drawer had been pulled out of his bedside cabinet, the contents strewn over the mattress.

• “Someone’s been looking for something,” said Ron. “Is there anything missing?”

  Harry started to pick up all his things and throw them into his trunk. It was only as he threw the last of the Lockhart books back into it that he realized what wasn’t there.

  “Riddle’s diary’s gone,” he said in an undertone to Ron.

oh god it’s getting worse oh no

• “This match has been canceled,” Professor McGonagall called through the megaphone, addressing the packed stadium. There were boos and shouts. Oliver Wood, looking devastated, landed and ran toward Professor McGonagall without getting off of his broomstick.

  “But, Professor!” he shouted. “We’ve got to play–the Cup–Gryffindor–“

  Professor McGonagall ignored him and continued to shout through her megaphone:

  “All students are to make their way back to the House common rooms, where their Heads of Houses will give them further information. As quickly as you can, please!”

It’s getting worse. It’s getting worse.

• “Potter, I think you’d better come with me….”

  Wondering how she could possibly suspect him this time, Harry saw Ron detach himself from the complaining crowd; he came running up to them as they set off toward the castle. To Harry’s surprise, Professor McGonagall didn’t object.

  “Yes, perhaps you’d better come, too, Weasley….”

I DON’T LIKE THOSE ELLIPSES. Oh god this is horrible and terrible WHAT HAPPENED.

• Madam Pomfrey was bending over a sixth-year girl with long, curly hair. Harry recognized her as the Ravenclaw they’d accidently asked for directions to the Slytherin common room. And on the bed next to her was–

  “Hermione!” Ron groaned.

  Hermione lay utterly still, her eyes open and glassy.

  “They were found near the library,” said Professor McGonagall. “I don’t suppose either of you can explain this? It was on the floor next to them….”

  She was holding up a small, circular mirror.

whatthefuck

HERMIONE!!!! 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

• “I think,” said Harry, more quietly still, “it’s time to get my dad’s old Cloak out again.”

YOU GO, HARRY POTTER.

• Hagrid dropped the fruitcake. Harry and Ron exchanged panic-stricken looks, then threw the Invisibility Cloak back over themselves and retreated into a corner. Hagrid checked that they were hidden, seized his crossbow, and flung open his door once more.

  “Good evening, Hagrid.”

  “It was Dumbledore. He entered, looking deadly serious, and was followed by a second, very odd-looking man.

  The stranger had rumpled gray hair and an anxious expression, and was wearing a strange mixture of clothes: a pinstriped suit, a scarlet tie, a long black cloak, and pointed purple boots. Under his arm he carried a lime-green bowler.

  “That’s Dad’s boss!” Ron breathed. “Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic!”

Nope. No way this is a good thing.

• “Look, Albus,” said Fudge, uncomfortably. “Hagrid’s record’s against him. Ministry’s got to do something–the school governors have been in touch–“

oh no NOT MY HAGRID 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

• “Look at it from my point of view,” said Fudge, fidgeting with his bowler. “I’m under a lot of pressure. Got to be seen doing something. If it turns out it wasn’t Hagrid, he’ll be back and no more said. But I’ve got to take him. Got to. Wouldn’t be doing my duty–”

  “Take me?” said Hagrid, who was trembling. “Take me where?”

  “For a short stretch only,” said Fudge, not meeting Hagrid’s eyes. “Not a punishment, Hagrid, more a precaution. If someone else is caught, you’ll be let out with a full apology–“

  “Not Azkaban?” croaked Hagrid.

  Before Fudge could answer, there was another loud rap on the door.

Oh, holy shit. Hagrid’s being sent to Azkaban?????????

• Mr. Lucius Malfoy strode into Hagrid’s hut, swathed in a long black traveling cloak, smiling a cold and satisfied smile. Fang started to growl.

oh FUCK THIS. FUCK THIS.

• “<i>Dreadful</i> thing, Dumbledore,” said Malfoy lazily, taking out a long roll of parchment, “but the governors feel it’s time for you to step aside. This is an Order of Suspension–you’ll find all twelve signatures on it. I’m afraid we feel you’re losing your touch. How many attacks have there been now? Two more this afternoon, wasn’t it? At this rate, there’ll be no Muggle-borns left at Hogwarts, and we all know what an <i>awful</i> loss that would be to the school.”

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!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• “However,” said Dumbledore, speaking very slowly and clearly so that none of them could miss a word, “you will find that I will only truly have left this school when none here are loyal to me. You will also find that help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.”

oh Dumbledore <3

• Fudge, fiddling with his bowler, waited for Hagrid to go ahead of him, but Hagrid stood his ground took a deep breath, and said carefully, “If anyone wanted ter find out some stuff, all they’d have ter do would be ter follow the spiders. That’d lead ’em right! That’s all I’m sayin’.”

Now I think I know why you guys laughed when I made fun of the spiders in the last book. Hagrid, you are wonderful.

And now, we’ll end my freak-out party with another dose of, “The Most Depressing Sentence(s) in the English Language,” courtesy of J.K. Rowling:

• Fang started howling, scratching at the closed door.

my hagrid is gone 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁