I Stay True To Myself
Always is so hard to say about it. I don’t like these moments when people judge me. I don’t judge them so I don’t understand why they do it to me. I’m not like a shining girl from childhood dreams. I’m just myself. And I have the moments when I don’t accept my lifeway but I can’t to change it.
As you know my life from always is crazy. I don’t want to write about everything because some things are just to me. I hope that you understand it. And my secrets doesn’t work too wonderful for my today’s life but I fight and I’ll not stop. You are my inspiration to it. Just I wanna that you know about it.
From the time when I was a kid, I dreamed about stay thin. Yeah, I know that it was stupid. I remember that my body didn’t work too good by it but it was my a little secret. The next step was as you know self-harm and crying. I was depressed but I thought that I won with my monster. It was illusion. I was bullieed in school, I hated secondary school so much. The worse time in my life, I don’t know how I went through by it, that I’m still alive. Really, I don’t know.
It hurt so much that “friends” didn’t like me. I was alone, unwanted and always sad. It’s weird when people even don’t care about your feeling. I knew it. Everyone thought that I’m ok.. but really, I was so upset at my life. I was so week and I bleed inside my soul. I was someone worse for these persons around me. It killed me slowly. Even I didn’t know when. Even situation my family was bad so I couldn’t be the next problem and I knew that my life must be grey.
I discovered that this time made me two faces. The first was just to the people, you know when I was depressed they though that I’m happy. I was sad all the time but for them never. And my second face it was true me. It was so crazy but the only way to life. When you are treated like a trash you can’t show the world that you wanna give up because it will kills you more and more without any end.
When I was older people treated me also in the same way. So maybe pain is mine the best friend?? I don’t know. During one of the worses time in my life I joined to pro ana(pro anorexia) forum. I don’t know if you know but it’s a lifestyle with anorexia nervosa. It changed me also. But I couldn’t be there. I saw how people were treated there and thanks my friend I escaped from this forum. I remember situation when girls from forum said to other girl that she has to kills herself. I was in shock. I couldn’t be there. I support living not killing. But thanks pro ana I met thinspirations(books, movies, songs about eatings disorders) and these inspired me to be thin all my life. I lost my weight. In some moment I weight not too much and my heart was not happy too. I thought that I’ll die so I felt that I must to gain weight and I did it.
But now unfortunately I lost a part of it by my lifestyle and stress about future. I want to weight more and more and be happy but in my life are some surprises which always destroys my dreams and ideas. It’s my life. I hate when I hear that I’m too fat, that I should to lose weight.. although doctor said when saw me that I have “extreme anorexia”. He just looked at me. It was one year ago, but I hate these comments people when criticizing mine weight or talk with me about diets. I’ll not help you lose any weight. Please, respect mine decision.
And yeah I’m so scared about mine future life, just now it’s not colorful. I know that can be just worse, because it’s a normal cycle of my life. I trying write lyrics, texts but even I’m scared to show you because I know that I’m someone worse. I don’t deserve to be here. Just mine big dreams is be writer and songwriter but it’s just a dream 🙁 In my country I don’t have any chance so it’s the end of mine dreams.
I hate sadness life but all the time I stay true to myself.