HEARTBLOG: Things I Know About Love Now That I’m Not Searching For It

I’ve written many blogs about my fascination with finding, holding on to and letting go of love.

Love, and my obsession wih the things that come with love (ie. attention, butterflies, the affinity for super melancholy music playlists) have fueled my entire life. This is not a joke, I have never been one of those people who did things because I enjoyed them, or had hobbies. I loved performing because I thought it would make boys like me. I thought about boys when I was in ballet class (what they would think about this hidden almost-talent, about my face, about what they would think of my huge forehead with my hair pulled back in my ballet bun.) I thought about boys when I did any of my biggest career jobs. I specifically remember thinking, “I’m dancing for Taylor Swift at the VMAs this year. I hope he see’s it and remembers the night we had the last time the VMAs were in New York.” I did not think, “wow, Keltie, congrats on dancing at the fucking VMAs, the biggest pop culture event of the year.” It’s was never about me. It was always about a boy. yup. I’m pathetic.

I began a marriage 2 weeks ago, and I’ve been thinking about what type of blog to write about it. The truth is, it’s impossible for me to write down what being married feels like, or the happiness that comes from meeting someone you really like and then realizing you love them. Then trying to leave them for a year because you don’t trust anyone, then realizing that maybe you shouldn’t want to leave… and then, giving yourself up to being loved and focusing on what being in a real, grown up relationship means. I won’t ever tell you about how I tried to call off the wedding twice, how I had a mental breakdown 6 weeks before which led to me sitting in the dark for two days, or that loving someone, the way I love swoon, is still hard, everyday. It’s the hardest, most wonderful job ever.

So, it’s still all about a boy, only now, it’s about one boy, and he is my husband. Like I said in my vows to swoon- things are going to be amazing, and things are going to be terrible and I will love you the best I can through it all.

I thought the best blog I could write you you about what my forever love is like, would be to share with you all the things I have learned about love, about loving, about almost loving, about losing love, about it all.

Here they are:

every single person you love will be the wrong one, until one of them is the right one. It’s totally okay to love the “wrong” ones with your whole heart, you might even think they are the “right” one. It’s good until it’s bad and that’s just the way it is. You are not stupid for believing in love and wanting that for yourself, because you deserve it.

the intense feelings you have when you are 24 and take ecstasy (or insert any other drug) with someone, are not feelings of love, those are feelings of drugs. If you take drugs often, it will most likely really cloud your true feelings even more. I still think you should at least try being wild and doing the drugs once in your life because it is pretty incredible and it might not be love, but it will probably still be pretty awesome. (just be careful okay, and just once or twice.)

you might not be able to see this right now, but people tend to get uglier as they get older. There is extreme beauty in youth- that is why you are all obsessively posting photos of your face on Instagram and I am posting photos of my dog. It’s really amazing to fall in love and make out with someone that is so freaking hot you cannot believe that you are naked with this person (holy crap! they look like a magazine!) You should absolutely make-out with this person, but I hate to break it to you- you are gonna get less hot, so is the hot person. Will you still really be into hot person when they are not hot person? Just checking.

love isn’t static. It doesn’t stop. It isn’t one perfect moment in time you can hold onto forever. It is a long, long, long life (if you are lucky) love changes, You change. Your lover will change. You gotta make sure that your moral compass and the things that make the two of you tick are facing the same direction, that is the most important thing.

-when someone tells you that they are “not interested in being in a relationship right now” they don’t mean it. they want to be in a relationship, just not with you. sorry.

you cannot change people. You cannot change the way you feel in your gut about that thing that person is doing that you wish you could change. Can’t. Ever. Again, sorry.

you should absolutely be in three kinds of relationships before you settle down. One where you leave. One where they leave and one super crazy, obsessive, passion filled, long distance, text heavy, super intense one that ends realllllly bad. I don’t think you can be good at relationships until you’ve had all three.

don’t fucking ditch your friends when you get a new love. (ughhhh! I’m going to tell you this, and you are going to do it anyway! ughhhhhh!) eventually, your friends are not going to be there when it all goes to shit and you will need your friends so you have someone to talk to, a couch to sleep on, a honest gauge of how you’ve been through this before and will be okay again.

wear a condom. Not joking. Do it. Planning your life around things you hope won’t happen is a big mistake. Std’s are real, and people are liar’s and bad stuff happens to really nice vagina’s like yours. (girls: boys are going to tell you they can just “pull out.” you cannot pull out of herpes, and that shit is forever so buckle up.)

do not let love get in the way of your life and your greatness. You can let it be a driving motivator to be great, but don’t put your life, goals, dreams, desires on hold because of a version of love you are living. I did this once, I lived FOR someone else’s life, and it’s one of my biggest regrets. You can never take back that time, and at the end of it, you won’t be any better off. Being obsessed with lovers noticing you because you are doing great things- but don’t just be obsessed, it’s not cute.

-when you get dumped and it really hurts, you are going to want to prove that you are “TOTALLY OK!” right away by using social media to post photos of you having “SO MUCH FUN! with all your friends while looking really hot. You might take it one step further and write a blog, a book, or a song. First of all, we can all see what you are doing. Second of all, person who dumped you still doesn’t love you. Third, you can never take the stuff back. that is all.

learn how to have a killer orgasm. your lover(s) probably won’t be able to help you out with this until you figure it out for yourself. If your brain is not exploding, it should be, so keep trying. Amazing sex that you both equally enjoy will be the glue that holds it all together. It’s the greatest pleasure you can give eachother, and when you are having sex just to please someone else, it’s get’s very wah wah very quick. Get your rocks off yo, and PLEASE stop faking it. you are not helping anything by making someone think they are amazing in bed when they are not.

know that you deserve a great love. You deserve it. I know! little you! I never believed it either. You deserve someone who is nice to you, who wants great things for you, who believes in you, someone who makes your life mostly better, and happier, and more fun. You deserve someone really safe, and really great and someone who thinks all the really annoying things you do are really awesome. Someone who will help you when you need help, someone who will party with you when you feel like going crazy. Date the assholes for a while so you know what that is like, but please, don’t make it a habit. you deserve more, really. It amazes me how many people don’t live according to this.

-the person who broke your heart will never say the thing you want them to, they will never say the thing that will make that heartbreak better for you. The person who really loves you, will always have the right thing to say to make you feel better about whatever heartbreak the world throws at you next.

….so yea, those are just a few things I wanted to share with you, to hopefully help you along in this little journey. i’m pretty excited to be on this journey of love as a mrs. I’m hoping that you will keep reading and keep being a part if this all with me. love you guys. xx

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