Heartblog: A Conversation On Cheating

A conversation on cheating:

“I just found out both of my parents were having long affairs and that my girlfriend cheated on me. Is there anything worse?”

“13 years is a long time to lie to someone, there is nothing worse you can do than lie. It the ugliest thing in the world, I would rather people be honest. If you hate unicorns, or love rainbows, or want to %*4% hookers-I would rather you just pony up the truth about all that.”

‘I think I value honesty more than anything.”

“I had a simialr thing happen, dated a dude for 3 years, was totally cheating on me, everyone in his camp knew but me, and it took me another 3 years to heal.”

“Man, I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I still haven’t healed. I see him out sometimes, and it still breaks my heart, because it’s like…he stole all those years from me, they years we were together and he was lying and then all the years I was sad about it. A good portion of my 20’s was wasted because he couldn’t tell the truth. “

“So, are you able to trust now?”

“No. I don’t trust anyone or anything.”

“Cheating is a total mindfuck.”

“My swoon and I came up with a deal that I was allowed to look at his phone, whenever I wanted, randomly, and he wouldn’t think I was a total crazy. And for our first year, I looked at it daily, everyday, I thought the bottom was going to fall out from under me. One time he didn’t answer, and I lost my marbles, and went nutso, and was convinced he was cheating….he was asleep. It’s a mindfuck, because we are smart people right? Im not an idiot. But, how can we be so dumb?”

“You know what, shitty things happen to smart people. I think being cheated on is the worst.”

“That and herpes.”

“Yea, I cannot believe how much you can hate someone and also love them, too.”

“It’s totally possible to feel both, I wish hate was easier.”

****Last night, I was chatting with an old friend, catching up on a decade of stories. This conversation happened, and it made me think about, healing and if we ever do. It’s 5 months until our wedding, and everyday I wake up sure that the bottom is about to fall out and I remind myself that you cannot trust anything in life and nothing is 100% certain and Swoon might love me and he might cheat on me and the bottom might fall out, and promises are only good until they are broken and love is scary and it’s the biggest risk of your life to love something, because there’s only losing after that. I’m a mess of a human, I’m sorry I haven’t been blogging and I miss you. My soul is scared and empty and the only thing that seems to make me feel better is the fact that we are all so lost.

So lost, so lost in love.