The Lost Boys II: The Tribe aka ‘HANG TEN, VAMPIRE SURFER DUDE!’

So, last night we had a viewing party for The Lost Boys. A lot of you missed it, you are forgiven. This time.

But anyway, watching the original just reminded me of how utterly ridiculous the sequel was.

You see, they’d originally planned to do a sequel in the 80’s. That’s why David/Keifer Sutherland’s body doesn’t disappear, it was supposed to be used as a plot point in a sequel. Joel Schumacher had a script ready called The Lost Girls but it never came to fruition and instead he ran off to put nipples on the Batsuit. The sequel ended up in development hell and just kept getting put off.

Finally, in 2007, production started on Lost Boys: The Tribe. And while there was a certain amount of celebration (A LOST BOYS SEQUEL? YAY!) there was also a lot of wariness (this thing is going to suck so hard).

I had avoided watching The Tribe until earlier this year when my addiction to Netflix Instant had grown so strong that I finally gave in and clicked “Watch Now.” And you know, I don’t regret it, really. But let’s be honest here.

I went in with really, really, really low expectations. AMAZINGLY low. That is the only way you can approach a movie like this and not walk out wondering why the hell you just wasted 92 minutes of your life.

First things first: the first 20 to 30 minutes of this movie is made up of occasionally oblique references to the original film. As if they are saying “hey, see this fat guy playing a sax? Maybe that’s the same guy who was in the first film, all oiled up!

“You guys remember the first film, right? It was pretty good? Well, keep that in mind and please don’t hate us for this sequel. We promise, it’ll get better.”

It really DOESN’T get better. The only thing the movie has going for it is pure nostalgia. Anything that isn’t a direct reference to the 1987 film seems like a failed attempt by an out of touch 50-year-old to relate to modern teenage and young adult culture. You know what the kids are into? SURFERS. So…um…let’s have vampire surfers! And they can do all kinds of EXTREME bike stunts! How’s that sound?

The best part about this movie is, hands down, Corey Feldman, who returns as Edgar Frog. But that is possibly because that is the one part you can’t take seriously at all, and this is not a movie that should be taken seriously, despite it’s repeated attempts to make you. Honestly, a pair of co-dependent siblings stupid enough to get themselves that involved with a gang of vampires? If I want that, I’ll read My Chemical Romance fanfiction.

And, through the research for this article, I have discovered something else. Next Tuesday, a new horror will be unleashed upon the world.

The Lost Boys: The Thirst.

The plot description (bolding and italics are my own):

Vampire hunter Edgar Frog is destitute and nearly friendless, when the beautiful vampire-romance novelist Gwen Lieber offers him a small fortune to go on the vampire hunt of a lifetime and save her brother from an army of newborn vampires who use a new drug called the Thirst, which is a mixture of Ecstasy and vampire blood. Realizing he can’t do this alone, Edgar turns to his brother, Alan Frog, to help him save Gwen’s brother.

…this is going to be a trainwreck and I cannot wait.