Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’: Chapter 1
In the first chapter of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry’s life returns to a dull routine as he desperately wishes he knew what on earth was happening in the world of wizards and why he’s being ignored. But when he takes an anger-fueled walk and runs into Dudley, he’s not prepared for the horrors that await. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.
CHAPTER 1: DUDLEY DEMENTED
9:52:02 PM Chrstofthemoment: i am making toast
9:52:04 PM Chrstofthemoment: fuck yes
9:52:08 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg i love toast
9:52:26 PM Chrstofthemoment: i’ve decided to buy only freshly made bread
9:52:31 PM Chrstofthemoment: because it is now close by
9:52:34 PM Chrstofthemoment: and not expensive
9:52:38 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg
9:52:42 PM Chrstofthemoment: today I got a wheat flax loaf
9:52:45 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): isdfjlsadhas
9:52:56 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): so middle class
9:52:57 PM Chrstofthemoment: i am just going to eat it with Earth Balance butter and it will probably be very delicious
9:53:00 PM Chrstofthemoment: ahsdfljsadfljsafsjfl;ksadjflskdjf;slad
9:53:04 PM Chrstofthemoment: you stop that right now
9:53:32 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it’s ok it takes one to know one
9:54:16 PM Chrstofthemoment: hahahhahahahhahahaha
9:54:22 PM Chrstofthemoment: also once i have prepared my toast
9:54:31 PM Chrstofthemoment: i am going to open my Harry Potter book
9:54:33 PM Chrstofthemoment: omg
9:54:35 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg excite
9:54:36 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg
9:56:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: just as i suspected this toast is fucking delicious
9:56:25 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg jealous
9:58:15 PM Chrstofthemoment: OMG I AM OPENING ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
9:59:02 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oMG
9:59:04 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): EXCITE
9:59:55 PM Chrstofthemoment: omg
10:00:00 PM Chrstofthemoment: the font is so fucking small
10:00:12 PM Chrstofthemoment: also this chapter has Dudley’s name in it i really hate Dudley
10:00:23 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg
10:00:28 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): we all do
10:00:52 PM Chrstofthemoment: good
10:01:03 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): also
10:01:15 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): thank you for defending my honour when that person called me a moron in your blog
10:01:19 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ilu fyi jsyk
10:01:39 PM Chrstofthemoment: yeah what was wrong with that person
10:02:45 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i don’t know
10:03:02 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): however someone saw me mention that i am norwegian and commented because they are norwegian too
10:03:13 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): lol norwegians on the internet
10:03:15 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god that is beautiful.
10:03:28 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): pretty much
10:03:53 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): also she said that harry potter helped her get better grades in english
10:04:05 PM Chrstofthemoment: omg
10:04:06 PM Chrstofthemoment: also
10:04:12 PM Chrstofthemoment: Dudley smokes now
10:04:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: THIS BOOK IS GROWING UP
10:04:23 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god i know right
10:04:32 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): //www.buzznet.com/2011/10/comment-win-dani-shortys-personalized/95493661/ norway rules ok
10:05:33 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): also a 3 is like a c- and a 5 is a b
10:05:35 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): fyi
10:05:46 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): since i know you care deeply about the norwegian education system
10:05:57 PM Chrstofthemoment: i really do
10:07:15 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh great uncle vernon is racist AND classist
10:07:25 PM Chrstofthemoment: the line about him being upset at the strike
10:07:27 PM Chrstofthemoment: AWESOME
10:07:30 PM Chrstofthemoment: THANKS UNCLE VERNON
10:07:38 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i know right
10:08:40 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK
10:08:47 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHY IS UNCLE VERNON TOUCHING HARRY
10:08:55 PM Chrstofthemoment: YOU LAY YOUR HANDS OFF HIM YOU SCOUNDREL
10:10:18 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): sdhhadjas
10:10:23 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): I LOVE YOUR RAGE AT UNCLE VERNON
10:10:35 PM Chrstofthemoment: hahaha
10:10:40 PM Chrstofthemoment: despite that he’s not real
10:11:23 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): that is completely irrelevant
10:11:25 PM Chrstofthemoment: “Well, it changes every day, you see.”
10:11:32 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god i love Harry so much
10:12:15 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh god HARRY IS SO MAD
10:12:22 PM Chrstofthemoment: I HATE YOU DURSLEYS
10:12:26 PM Chrstofthemoment: I’M SORT OF RUNNING AWAY
10:14:34 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh god harry is going paranoid
10:16:21 PM Chrstofthemoment: harry is kind of whiny, kasper
10:16:23 PM Chrstofthemoment: kasper
10:16:27 PM Chrstofthemoment: why is harry whining
10:16:34 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god
10:16:37 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you are not prepared
10:16:39 PM Chrstofthemoment: ahahaha
10:16:43 PM Chrstofthemoment: this is what i’m told
10:16:46 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): mark
10:16:50 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): harry potter is a teenager
10:17:11 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): harry potter and the neverending teenage angst
10:17:30 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): harry potter and the FUCK YOU I WON’T TIDY MY BEDROOM
10:17:51 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): harry potter and the endless whining
10:17:53 PM Chrstofthemoment: ahhahahaahhaahahah
10:18:05 PM Chrstofthemoment: Harry Potter and the Endless Empty Threats of Rebellion
10:18:11 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hdsjhfjsdhfjsakhfewoiusødfjk
10:18:23 PM Chrstofthemoment: we are geniuses
10:18:24 PM Chrstofthemoment: also
10:18:33 PM Chrstofthemoment: he has nightmares about Cedric
10:19:40 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh shit dudley has arrived
10:20:30 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh wait false alarm
10:22:12 PM Chrstofthemoment: holy shit
10:22:13 PM Chrstofthemoment: kasper
10:22:15 PM Chrstofthemoment: kasper
10:22:22 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg
10:22:29 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): omg
10:22:39 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): where are you in the chapter right now
10:22:53 PM Chrstofthemoment: omg
10:22:57 PM Chrstofthemoment: harry is confronting dudley
10:23:03 PM Chrstofthemoment: and just insulting him away
10:23:15 PM Chrstofthemoment: and making his masculinity issues explode with rage
10:24:29 PM Chrstofthemoment: HOLY FUCK
10:24:34 PM Chrstofthemoment:
10:24:37 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH
10:24:39 PM Chrstofthemoment: DUDLEY JUST DROPPED A BOMB
10:24:43 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god poor harry
10:25:36 PM Chrstofthemoment: kasper
10:25:38 PM Chrstofthemoment: kasper
10:25:41 PM Chrstofthemoment: i have goosebumps
10:25:44 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING
10:25:48 PM Chrstofthemoment: THE SKY JUST DISAPPEARED
10:25:50 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK
10:25:51 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh ogd
10:25:53 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): god*
10:25:55 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS THE FIRST CHAPTER
10:26:05 PM Chrstofthemoment: JK ROWLING YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THIS SO EARLY
10:26:20 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): SHIT IS ALREADY SO REAL
10:26:30 PM Chrstofthemoment: DS;KADFKJLSADKLSADFJKLFASD
10:26:31 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHASY
10:26:31 PM Chrstofthemoment: ASDJKASDFHWY
10:26:32 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHY
10:26:33 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHYW
10:26:34 PM Chrstofthemoment: WASI;JF;LKJADSF
10:26:38 PM Chrstofthemoment: ARE THESE FUCKING DEMENTORS
10:26:39 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK
10:26:43 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE HOLY FUCK
10:27:18 PM Chrstofthemoment: LDM.XZCZLKXJCL;kjdalsk;fjasdlk;jfaskdlfj;laksjdfl;asdjf;lasdjf;lasjdf;lkajsfd
10:27:28 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god IT IS GIVING THE DEMENTOR’S KISS TO DUDLEY
10:27:29 PM Chrstofthemoment: KASPER
10:27:33 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING
10:27:35 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
10:27:36 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHY
10:27:36 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): kjsdhfshfakjdhas
10:27:37 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHY
10:27:37 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH
10:27:37 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHY
10:27:38 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHY
10:27:38 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH
10:27:40 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH
10:27:42 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!
10:28:07 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): NO BUILD-UP
10:28:14 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): JUST BAM FIRST CHAPTER SHIT GETS REAL
10:28:15 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT
10:28:16 PM Chrstofthemoment: THE
10:28:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: FUCK
10:28:22 PM Chrstofthemoment: MRS. FIGG
10:28:25 PM Chrstofthemoment: MRS.FIGG
10:28:27 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE
10:28:28 PM Chrstofthemoment: HOLY FUCK
10:28:32 PM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:28:42 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god this is already the best book ever written of all time
10:28:49 PM Chrstofthemoment: also FUCK YOU JK ROWLING FOR ENDING THE CHAPTER HERE
10:29:01 PM Chrstofthemoment: because now i can’t read further because i have to review
10:29:14 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh god this is my tragedy, kasper
10:29:16 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hasdhajshdas
10:29:27 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god seriously i don’t even know how you can stand it
10:29:31 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): your life is endless tragedy
10:29:34 PM Chrstofthemoment: hahahaha
10:29:35 PM Chrstofthemoment: or
10:29:36 PM Chrstofthemoment: wait
10:29:38 PM Chrstofthemoment: wait
10:29:41 PM Chrstofthemoment: kasper
10:29:45 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): what
10:29:51 PM Chrstofthemoment: can i be lazy again and just use this AIM conversation
10:29:56 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): hjkashfwepudijskfhsadfjksahdjsadhsadsa
10:29:57 PM Chrstofthemoment: i’m pretty sure no one will care
10:30:14 PM Chrstofthemoment: i’m pretty sure we will be forgiven for ONCE AGAIN REPEATING OURSELVES
10:30:20 PM Chrstofthemoment: BUT THIS IS A REALLY IMPORTANT THING
10:30:32 PM Chrstofthemoment: LIKE way more important than like…creativity or diversity
10:30:37 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): yeah you should probably do it
10:30:48 PM Chrstofthemoment: thank you again, Professor Reason
10:30:54 PM Chrstofthemoment: you always have all the answers
10:30:58 PM Chrstofthemoment: and all the logics
10:31:00 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): thank you, i try
10:31:07 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you are my very favourite of all time fyi
10:31:10 PM Chrstofthemoment: fuck it, I don’t care. I have to read more.
10:31:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: MOVING ON TO CHAPTER 2, HATERS TO THE LEFT
10:31:24 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you won’t start posting them until monday, right?
10:31:26 PM Chrstofthemoment: omg what is your saying
10:31:30 PM Chrstofthemoment: yes, monday
10:31:41 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): familiarise yourself with the left-hand evacuation procedure
10:32:00 PM Chrstofthemoment: if you are reading this review that beautiful phrase belongs solely to Kasper
10:32:11 PM Chrstofthemoment: PLEASE DO NOT USE OR DISTRIBUTE WITHOUT PERMISSION
10:32:17 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): ashoudyahkwlsjdfasdasd
10:32:35 PM Chrstofthemoment: what i am just trying to protect your copyrighted phrase
10:32:52 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it’s ok anyone can use it i promise not to sue for copyright violation
10:32:56 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): PROBABLY
10:32:57 PM Chrstofthemoment: oh ok
10:33:02 PM Chrstofthemoment: CREATIVE COMMONS KASPER
10:33:14 PM Chrstofthemoment: wait should I spell those with all K’s for dramatic purposes
10:33:16 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): though thank you for always being there to defend my honour, mark
10:33:16 PM Chrstofthemoment: OH WAIT
10:33:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: NO
10:33:17 PM Chrstofthemoment: NO
10:33:19 PM Chrstofthemoment: DON’T DO THAT
10:33:22 PM Chrstofthemoment: DO NOT DO THAT
10:33:23 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): NO THAT WOULD BE BAD
10:33:31 PM Chrstofthemoment: THAT WOULD CREATE A REALLY, REALLY BAD ACRONYM
10:33:47 PM Chrstofthemoment: AND YOU’RE WHITE, SO PEOPLE WOULD JUST ASSUME THE WORST
10:33:48 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): YEAH MY FIRST INITIAL SUCKS FOR ACRONYM PURPOSES
10:33:54 PM Chrstofthemoment: And honestly i would not blame them
10:34:00 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i agree with you
10:34:03 PM Chrstofthemoment: sorry kasper but white people do these sort of things
10:34:10 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): it’s bad enough that i’m a letter away from sharing my name with a fictional ghost
10:34:14 PM Chrstofthemoment: I AM SURE YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH A THING CALLED RACISM
10:34:26 PM Chrstofthemoment: Oh god DO STUPID AMERICANS SAY THAT TO YOU
10:34:33 PM Chrstofthemoment: like oh are you named after the ghost?
10:34:51 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): actually when i was a high school senior we all had to have nicknames given to us by the rest of the class
10:34:59 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): for the purposes of a stupid tradition
10:35:01 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): guess what mine was
10:35:10 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): if you guessed “friendly ghost” you are correct
10:35:25 PM Chrstofthemoment: hahahahahahadsfjkasdfkjlasfdhasfd’fsdaasdfhjsadf;sdfljk
10:35:47 PM Chrstofthemoment: I can’t repeat my high school nicknames because most are really depressing and would probably trigger a lot of my readers
10:35:48 PM Chrstofthemoment:
10:36:00 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh yeah that would be bad
10:36:01 PM Chrstofthemoment: also, they are called slurs
10:36:03 PM Chrstofthemoment: that thing
10:36:05 PM Chrstofthemoment: yeah.
10:36:16 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): can i punch all your bullies in the face
10:36:34 PM Chrstofthemoment: if you can locate them via the intertubes, yes you can
10:36:43 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): also when i was 12 my bullies and the people who picked on me
10:36:47 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): which was everyone fyi
10:36:49 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): had a nickname for me
10:36:54 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): that nickname was rambo
10:36:57 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i think i win
10:37:06 PM Chrstofthemoment: yeah WHY WOULD THEY CALL YOU THAT
10:37:15 PM Chrstofthemoment: Rambo is a CERTIFIED BADASS
10:37:17 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): because i am so overwhelmingly masculine, obviously
10:37:34 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): actually it was because i wore a bandana for like two weeks when i was twelve and it stuck for like three years
10:37:45 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): but let’s pretend it was because i am totes masc
10:38:23 PM Chrstofthemoment: i accept that.
10:38:26 PM Chrstofthemoment: OH GOD
10:38:28 PM Chrstofthemoment: CHAPTER 2
10:38:31 PM Chrstofthemoment: JKASDF;LKSJD;KLFJAS;LKDFJ;ALDKSFJA;LSDFJAS;LKJFAS;LKFJ
10:38:33 PM Chrstofthemoment: I SHOULD START THAT
10:38:39 PM Chrstofthemoment: what are we doing
10:38:51 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): i don’t know that is a good question
10:38:57 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): you should probably start chapter two
10:38:59 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): pseoidjflhfewsdglkdsfsafs
10:39:09 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): oh god your readers are going to end up hating me
10:39:14 PM Chrstofthemoment: asdflkjsadf;laskjdf;alsdjf
10:39:26 PM Chrstofthemoment: what you are perfectly normal, rational, and a barrel of fun
10:39:36 PM Chrstofthemoment: f the haters
10:39:42 PM KASPER (rudolfnilsen): clearly
10:40:13 PM Chrstofthemoment: ok ONWARDS I GO
10:40:15 PM Chrstofthemoment: JSDF;LKJAS;DFLJAS;LDFJAS;LKFJA;LSDFJA;JF
