Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’: Chapter 6

In the sixth chapter of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, we get a much fuller introduction to the character of Gilderoy Lockhart. And despite that he isn’t a miserable sod like Snape, nor is he a bully like Malfoy, he instantly becomes the most unlikable character in the entire series. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.


Oh, today is just a delightful day for me. Simply wonderful! I’m truly honored to have been given the chance to use my skills as an orator and a strict novelist to provide for you a review of this chapter.

I suppose I should be forthright. I approached the young Oshiro and stressed how…imperative it was for him to bring on some star talent for this project. He’s surely doing a good job, is he not? But it never helps to merely accent what you’re already doing, correct? And what better accent than the sage words of a Third Class, Order of Merlin, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League wizard who has written countless books?

Oh, sod, I cannot believe I haven’t properly introduced myself. There’s always someone every year who hasn’t had the chance to be blessed by my award-winning smile or hear the tales of my close encounter with that werewolf in the phonebooth. I am Gidleroy Lockhart, for those not in the know!

I know it’s been a tradition of Mark’s to run through certain portions of the chapter, perhaps quote a piece here and there. And he sure is a fan of that caps lock, isn’t he? You know, it’s a good thing this is only a one-off entry, because I might just start suggesting some changes here and there! You know, it never hurts to exhibit a sense of class when one is relaying words to their audience. And all these so called “gift images”? I don’t even understand them. It’s as if Muggles stole our wizarding photo abilities!

Have you read my book, Travels With Trolls? Just checking.

So let’s begin here. I’d like to have you all skip ahead a bit in your chapters, if you could. There’s a lot of extraneous nonsense in the beginning of this chapter, mostly dealing with Howlers and public embarrassment….ah, there we go! Page 89 in your paperback editions. (One would think that upon embarking on such a journey, one would buy more sturdy, hardcover books! Oh, must keep these thoughts to myself, shall we?)

As you’ll see, my entrance into this scene, as the second year Gryffindor’s head to their Herbology class, is key to presentation. And this is all about presentation, isn’t it? You’ve got to own the moment, show that pearly smile, and simply WOW those around you. And surely, these second years are impressed by such a display, aren’t they? That Hermione Granger sure pays attention when she needs to! And what self-respecting woman wouldn’t pay attention to a sight that is so easy on the eyes? There’s a reason I’ve won Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming Smile Award five times now.

That Harry Potter! He’s got the taste and the drive for fame, doesn’t he? It was obvious to me that his flying car stunt was not only inspired by my bit of fame the day before, but was an homage to the way I deftly steal the spotlight wherever I am. Now, he must learn more effective ways to market and sell himself, but he is an ambitious sprat!

Let’s skip ahead a bit. No time for discussing of mandrake babies buried in the ground. Yes, I sense some of you know where I’m headed here. The scene where I gracefully give Harry Potter advice about signing photographs.

It’s something one comes to understand with exposure and believe me, I’ve been through all the wizarding circles, pens and markers thrust in my face, sensible and beautiful witches and respectable wizards asking for my advice, my recommendations, and my unending charm. You must learn to simply own your face and make it a part of who you become. Silly Harry Potter, thinking it’s appropriate to sign photos at such a young age! He is indeed capable of being a star in his own right, what with the defeat of You-Know-Who twice now. I’m sure I could have easily used my knowledge of the Dark Arts to defeat You-Know-Who with less effort, but I am a world-famous wizard, so these things are expected.

Let’s jump ahead a bit to my scene in class. No need to discuss what’s in between. We know what’s truly important, correct?

I think my finer moments come when imparting my knowledge upon those who are not gifted enough to have experience what I have experienced. Clearly, these students know nothing of Norwegian Ridgebacks or Cornish pixies. And before they even attempt to learn how to conquer such frightening and mystical creatures, I felt it necessary that they know the wizard that is teaching them as well!

The 54-question quiz about my seven books was a real success, I think, even if most students didn’t score that well. How else are they to appreciate my character and dedication to the cause if they don’t understand exactly who I am? (Also, my birthday is soon and it is such a good feeling to get what you want!)

Now, as for the Cornish pixies….I’ve conquered much, much worse, in much more horrifying situations, and with far less advantages. Surely you may think I might have tarnished a bit of my image by letting them out of their cage and not stopping the damage they caused, no? First of all, it was most certainly a social experiment. Could my students handle a dangerous, chaotic situation without guidance from their mentor? It was clear that Hermione Granger is well-taught and open to receiving a proper education here. The situation allowed me to see what level my students were at. What better way than through actual magic?

Surely you’ll see this situation for what it was: a brilliant learning exercise, dreamed up by the one-and-only Gilderoy Lockhart. Do I have to remind you that I am a Third Class Wizard? This is a prestigious accomplishment, one earned through high merit. Have I not written seven textbooks for this year?

I’m sure you’ll see how successful I am in the coming pages. Please, please, no autographs today; I’ve got a teeth whitening session in Potions and I simply must take some time to work on my eighth textbook. It certainly is very difficult to live the life of splendor that I do. But I assure you this is all for you, my dear wizards and Muggles, for I am here for your benefit!

Until next time, happy wizarding!