Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets’: Chapter 13

In the thirteenth chapter of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, everything is actually really boring, mundane, and uninteresting for, at least, half of the chapter. And then….good god. Worldviews are shattered. Hearts are broken. And WHAT JUST HAPPENED. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.

CHAPTER 13: THE VERY SECRET DIARY

The first thirteen pages of chapter thirteen are terrible. There. I said it.

I like the people in it. Every time Moaning Myrtle appears, I know she’ll say something that Robert Smith stole from her. Ron is super on point with multiple witty replies to Hermione’s dedication or one of Harry’s silly quests.

The diary of T.M. Riddle that Harry finds in the girls’ bathroom with Myrtle was clearly going to be a big part of the story, but there are ten long, eventless pages before Rowling ever gets around to it. There’s no writing on the pages and everyone sort of half-heartedly attempts to make writing appear. There’s barely any excitement from our usual gang.

What gives? Look, Rowling, you just gave your character a SECRET DIARY that’s SO SECRET there are NOT ANY WORDS.

What’s the point of giving us Lockhart’s Valentine’s Day? What’s the point of the dwarves, or Harry’s poem of love, or Harry using magic against Malfoy? None of it seems to matter.

Boo. Just because I am becoming slightly obsessed with your series doesn’t mean you’re off the hook for this kind of slow, jilted pacing. Ok? Ok.

• The ink shone brightly on the paper for a second and then, as though it was being sucked into the page, vanished. Excited, Harry loaded up his quill a second time and wrote, “My name is Harry Potter.”

  The words shone momentarily on the page and they, too, sank without a trace. Then, at last, something happened.

  Oozing back out of the page, in his very own ink, came words Harry had never written.

  “Hello, Harry Potter. My name is Tom Riddle. How did you come by my diary?”

wait what the fuck

So is this not a diary? ROWLING, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME. WHAT DOES THIS GUY KNOW ABOUT THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.

• “Of course I know about the Chamber of Secrets. In my day, they told us it was a legend, that it did not exist. But this was a lie. In my fifth year, the Chamber was opened and the monster attacked several students, finally killing one. I caught the person who’d opened the Chamber and he was expelled. But the headmaster, Professor Dippet, ashamed that such a thing had happened at Hogwarts, forbade me to tell the truth. A story was given out that the girl had died in a freak accident. They gave me a nice, shiny, engraved trophy for my trouble and warned me to keep my mouth shut. But I knew it could happen again. The monster lived on, and the one who had the power to release was not imprisoned.”

oh. my. god. what is happening.

When Riddle offers to show Harry what happened, I figured we’d be dealt a cheesy animated scene on the pages of the book. I did not expect this to happen:

• The pages of the diary began to blow as though caught in a high wind, stopping halfway through the month of June. Mouth hanging open, Harry saw that the little square for June thirteenth seemed to have turned into a minuscule television screen. His hands trembling slightly, he raised the book to press his eye against the little window, and before he knew what was happening, he was tilting forward; the window was widening, he felt his body leave his bed, and he was pitched headfirst through the opening in the page, into a whirl of color and shadow.

ok WHAT. WHAT IS GOING ON

Harry travels as an unheard, unseen observer fifty years into the past to witness the events of the night Riddle confronts the person responsible for the monster in the Chamber and for opening it in the first place. We see Professor Dippet, the old headmaster, tell Riddle that he shouldn’t stay at Hogwarts during the summer session because he’s a half-blood. (One wizard parent, one Muggle parent.) Apparently the monster does actually target those who aren’t pure-blood. (It’s still not addressed why.)

There’s a nice parallel to current events in this scene as well.

• “Sir–if the person was caught–if it all stopped–”

  “What do you mean?” said Dippet with a squeak in his voice, sitting up in his chair. “Riddle, do you mean you know something about these attacks?”

  “No, sir,” said Riddle quickly.

  But Harry was sure it was the same sort of “no” that he himself had given Dumbledore.

Oh, this isn’t going to end well, is it?

• Then, as though he had suddenly reached a decision, he hurried off, Harry gliding noiselessly behind him. They didn’t see another person until they reached the entrance hall, when a tall wizard with long, sweeping auburn hair and a beard called to Riddle from the marble staircase.

  “What are you doing, wandering around this late, Tom?”

  Harry gaped at the wizard. He was non other than a fifty-years-younger Dumbledore.

This is some alternate reality shit going on here.

Harry follows Riddle around in a couple particularly tense scenes where he simply watches as Riddle hides, waiting “like a statue” for…something.

And then they hear that “something.” And Riddle follows. And…..um……um………..

• Harry heard a door creak open, and then someone speaking in a hoarse whisper.

  “C’mon…gotta get yeh outta here….C’mon now…in the box…”

  There was something familiar about that voice….

  Riddle suddenly jumped around the corner. Harry stepped out behind him. He could see the dark outline of a huge boy who was crouching in front of an open door, a very large box next to it.

  Evening, Rubeus,” said Riddle sharply.

WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK

WHAT THE FUCK IS FUCKING HAPPENING

• “It’s all over,” he said. “I’m going to have to turn you in, Rubeus. They’re talking about closing Hogwarts if the attacks don’t stop.”

  “What d’yeh–“

  “I don’t think you meant to kill anyone. But monsters don’t make good pets. I suppose you just let it out for exercise and–“

  “It never killed no one!” said the large boy, backing against the closed door. From behind him, Harry could hear a funny rustling and clicking.

This is not happening this is not happening this is not happening this is not happening

• A vast, low-slung, hairy body and a tangle of black legs; a gleam of many eyes and a pair of razor-sharp pincers–Riddle raised his wand again, but he was too late. The thing bowled him over as it scuttled away, tearing up the corridor and out of sight. Riddle scrambled to his feet, looking after it; he raised his wand, but the huge boy leapt on him, seized his wand, and threw him back down, yelling, “NOOOOOOO!”

Oh…..oh my god. The spiders. SPIDERS. PARALYSIS. HOLY FUCKING SHIT MY BRAIN IS ALREADY MUSH FROM BEING AWAKE FOR NEARLY 36 HOURS SO I COULD BUY A STUPID IPHONE 4 AND NOW IT IS FALLING OUT OF MY EARS WHAT IS GOING ON.

• “It was Hagrid, Ron. Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets fifty years ago.”

MIND.

OFFICIALLY.

BLOWN.

Is it because I yelled at you, J.K. Rowling? Because I said the beginning of the chapter was boring? ARE YOU PUNISHING ME FOR THIS MISSTEP BY USING HAGRID TO UTTERLY BREAK MY HEART?

oh my god my Hagrid WHAT HAVE YOU DONE????????

🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁