Amy Winehouse is a mess. This is not an opinion. This is a straight up fact. The singer had a brush with death earlier this year and yet STILL has not stopped doing smoking, drinking or doing drugs.

And apparently Winehouse knows she’s a mess. She’s supposedly on suicide watch after a rumored attempt to take her own life. So, you’d assume she’d start taking steps to getting better. Maybe trying rehab. Or figuring out what her underlying issues are. Or take Renton’s advice from Trainspotting:

RENTON: Relinquishing junk. Stage One: preparation. For this you will need: one room which you will not leave; one mattress; tomato soup, ten tins of; mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold; ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of; Magnesia, Milk of, one bottle; paracetamol; mouth wash; vitamins; mineral water; Lucozade; pornography; one bucket for urine, one for feces, and one for vomitus; one television; and one bottle of Valium, which I have already procured, from my mother, who is, in her own domestic and socially acceptable way, also a drug addict.

But there’s somebody out there who’s got a better solution than all of those combined!


Because Scientology solves everything! In 2005, Scientology Messiah Tom Cruise said “I don’t care what someone believes. I don’t care what nationality they are. But if someone wants to get off drugs, I can help them…For instance, I myself have helped hundreds of people get off drugs.”

Tom, here’s a tip: thinking of having butt sex with someone? Doesn’t normally help them get off of drugs. Sorry.

It’s getting to the point where Scientology is like the Pokemon Trainer of religion: GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL! Apparently the big names getting tossed around right now are Kirsten Dunst (Cruise, who she starred with in Interview with the Vampire, sent her a copy of Dyanetics). And of course, the rumor that nearly destroyed myself and Miss GwenArtax: Pink was supposedly looking into the “religion” to help her through her divorce.

But we both really should have known better. During an interview last month she declared “If these people that were writing about me knew anything about me, they’d know I’m completely against organized religion…I’m not a sheep. … I don’t think there’s anything about me that screams pushover.”

As for Amy Winehouse? Odds are they’ll tell her to lower her Thetan Count and she’ll tell them “No, no, no.”