Late Night Double Feature Remake From Hell

So MTV films, the same people about to bring us the tour de force picture Twilight (note: this is sarcasm. After seeing the latest trailer I’ve come to assume that the effects budget was mostly spent on body glitter and bad wigs which left approximately $7.46 for stunts), has decided that what the world really needs is more remakes.

Like The Rocky Horror Picture Show.


Rock Horror is a cult classic. Half the fun of the film is that it’s cheesey and B-movie like. We don’t need a remake with Justin Timberlake playing Rocky (not a real casting rumor, just the assumption Ari and I have made). In fact, Rocky Horror has been proudly cemented on my list of “Films You Should Never, Ever Remake Under Penalty of Death.” Along with Ghostbusters and The Princess Bride.

Though I’m sure MTV or someone else will be announcing intentions to remake at least one of those within the next year.

Can we please, PLEASE stop with the remakes? Look, I know you’re worried about movie going audiences not paying for films, especially with internet piracy being such a concern. But here’s an idea: make better movies. Consumers are not stupid. If you keep handing us crap, we will refuse to pay for your crap when we can get it for free somewhere else. Make movies the way they should be made: for the big screen. Make us want to sit in a theatre for crying out loud! And stop charging me $10 for a box of snowcaps. I like them, I just don’t like them THAT MUCH.

And consumers? STOP PAYING FOR CRAPPY MOVIES. Just stop. I’m not saying that the only things you need to see are Emmy worthy films about tea cozies, hell, Blue Crush and The Fast and the Furious are among my top 10 favorites of all time. But come on, there are movies you see in theatres, movies you rent later, and movies you need to consume ridiculous amounts of alcohol to get through. Please learn the difference and choose wisely.

As for you, Hollywood, I know you’re currently wringing your hands trying to figure out how to top The Dark Knight, which appears to have redefined the ideal of the action film…really, movies in general. It’s made $200 million in 5 days. 5. So now you’ve got to try to figure out how to live up to that.

Here’s a hint: it doesn’t involve sticking someone else into Tim Curry’s fishnets and heels. There are original scripts that might suit your needs.

Oh, right. That means you’d have to stop treating your writers like shit. Never mind.