Thoughts from Estonia Pt.2

First of all, thank you all so much for all the wonderful feedback on my last post. It’s always nice to open up and have other Moon Children relate and understand. I personally think honesty is the best policy when it comes to life and although it’s a standard to appear bulletproof and fabulous at all times when being an entertainer, I don’t really care to put up a front these days. Let the ones who disagree, disagree. I think being vulnerable and real in the wolrd of fakeness is the bravest thing a person can do.

Anyway, back to some newly found thoughts from Estonia:

It’s always been really hard for me to come back here. It has somehow felt intense to a point I haven’t been able to handle but I think I’m starting to realize what it is. I have an extremely tight, extremely big family and I love them so much it’s almost painful. I’m realizing loving someone is such a risk because the more and more fully you love, the more you’re eventually gonna lose. So there’s really a choice here – to open yourself up to love completely and possibly live through a lot of mourning or live your life with a closed heart so you never have to let go. I guess that’s the tragedy and beauty of being alive, all in one right there.

I realized I am so lucky to have all my grandparents still on this Earth and I would be such a fool to prioritize my career to a point where I never spend time with them so this whole time I have been here, I have made a huge commitment to be around and do fun stuff with these people who have loved me and cared for me so much throughout my childhood. We’ve been getting drunk, having sauna nights with facials and wandered in the nature. It’s all been absolutely blissful and I feel blessed beyond words to be able to experience this kind of love.

What else…soccer games. I never really liked sports but I finally went to 2 soccer games that my cousins participated in and I gotta say I love this soccer stuff. Very entertaining!

Also graveyards…I love graveyards. To some it might sound morbid but there’s nothing dark about the natural cycles of life, really. I feel deep pain for everyone who has to pass painfully and everyone who loses someone they love but i feel the Western world is in need of changing the perspective on life and death all together. I need to make a separate post to explain all these thoughts but for now, let’s just stick with the graveyards. Since I was little I always liked them because I liked looking at the crosses, peoples names and the years they had lived – wondering how they lived and why they died. We have so many old grave yards in Estonia…I took some pics at one I found – the graves with these gorgeous iron crosses were from 18 hundreds.

As I’m writing this I have a few more days left in Estonia and I am so sad to leave although I would’t mind catching some LA sun again. It’s been freezing here! My body is like in half sleep half eat mode. All I wanna do is eat these super heavy homecooked meals. I think my body thinks it’s entirely too skinny for this kind of weather and has decided to stack on some pounds to survive the winter. It’s kind of hilarious.

Other than that, yeah…I am feeling like myself again and ready to get my stuff out from the storage and start building the new BubbleGoth HQ. Got the energy pouring in and can’t wait to get my own space set up to start focusing on the new album hardcore and making some new visuals with Brian.

There were several rainbow clouds in the perfectly blue sky yesterday letting me know miracles are on their way and I always have ancient support coming from this gorgeous and magical land of mine.

Thank you Estonia<3 You are one of a kind.