My Journey: From Suffering To Dreams

I have too many secrets. Often living with them paralyzes me and cuts my weak wings. For some time sad past comes back to me. I once again faded as not published blogs. I feel that I’m getting lost in this. I want to be accepted. Is it too much? My life is not too easy. Practically forever.

My secrets kill hope slowly. Today I want to reveal some secrets because I don’t have strenght to hold them on. I didn’t know that it it’s so diffecult to write about it. These things almost made that I left from Buzznet. Someone like me doesn’t deserve to be here.

photo: me without make-up

I have problems at home. I can’t say everything because it hurts too much. Recently too many times I heard from my dad that I’m a w***e. These arguments and screams about nothing. My grandma also. She tells people not real things about us. So maybe I’m the worst person in the world. It makes that I hate certain elements of this life. In the past the house was the police, alcohol, bigger quarrels. My grandma didn’t want to me at home. Even one year she didn’t talk with me. These scenes are all the time in my memory as old scars from bullying in school. This makes that I prefer to be skinny. I divorced with pro ana community. From the worse romance in my short life.

photo: Mary Lock “Anorexia”

Every bad word on the Internet is killing my freedom and happiness. Haters gonna hate but kill too. I dreamed about studying some direction. It was 4 years ago. I could not fulfill my dream. My dad robbed me. Recently I asked him when he will give me these money. I want to realise this dream. First time he didn’t answered, but I heard from another room that I’m a w***e. The next time, he said that he will return the money as he will have them. But he has money for cigarettes and beer. I remember a lot worse scenes of my life but I’m not ready to talk about them. Yeah, people say that everything will be better. But this is not true. Here is always worse.

from touched movie “CyberBully”

My education sounds weird. In high school I was a victim of violence. I don’t like scars. Sometimes I was thinking about leaving. One step closer, one step further away from these thoughts. But I’m proud that I living now. I was not the only victim of bullying in my class but just I was anonymously. Teachers didn’t know about my problems. In my class were different unkind situations so lessons with the police, psychologists, padgogues were almost every week. Some students bullied teachers as well. But the directors of the school were covered it. Why? We were the best class. And the next high school was wonderul journey. I ALMOST loved it!!!!

photo: Mathias-Erhart “Point of no return”

When I finished this school I went to post secondary school. I resigned before the last semester by my professor. He liked “touch” students. And laughed about us in bad way. And I chose tourism, I finished every single semester but director didn’t accepted my practic. Even I had a very good score. I wasn’t the only person with this problem so during these 2 schools I lost 4 years of my life. And now I’m on veterinary. I’m worried because I shouldn’t to learn in this direction by the state of my lungs. Doctor gave me conditionally approval to a learning one year and now ended. I’m afriad of what I’ll hear in the next month. I’m horribly sad because I can’t learn what makes me really happy.

photo: Monica Prats Castellvi “La dieta mueve los hilos”

I’m a blogger. You know about it 😛 But Buzznet is the only place where I wasn’t attacked. Buzznet gave ma voice and showed me that really I can be an artists. Thank you I discovered my soul. I received a big chance to take some great interviews with Lindsey Steriling, Elen Levon, Rye Rye, CJ Daugherty, Kellee Maize and more the greatest artists. I have a chance to share with you my creativity and unique things that I find on the Internet.

My blog about crayons on Buzznet home page. It was so big surprise because I love crayons. RoseArt wax crayons changed my life, I’ll write about them-coming soon.

Although in the last month I opened my Polish blog it I’m faithful to Buzznet. During the last two years I had a few proposals from Polish media, I didn’t agree on them. I don’t want to sell my soul. I had proposal to be a blogger on another portal in America. I didn’t agree on it too. Buzznet you gave me new life and always I’ll remember about it. Although sometimes I’m sad because I don’t know my views. These always helped me when I posted because I knew direction for my blogs. I knew about what you wanna read so even now I’m scared to post my own art.

My old drawing for Unicorn Tarot Card. It was a b-day gift from Table Of Love to Kerli.

For the end. All the time I don’t believe in myself and in my dreams. I want to be a writer – songwriter. But in my place is impossible. People criticize my dreams. They don’t believe in me. I don’t like how the part of Polish society treate me.

Someone told me that I was born in the wrong country. He was right. This is my strange world. This is the reason why I call myself “Forbidden”.