My Life Story
I want to share with you my memories. I know that I shouldn’t because my family will angry at me. They for sure will say that about stuffs like it we have not talk. But this is my own live, I’m building myself, my body and soul and no one shouldn’t decided who I want to be.
My childhood was weird, I don’t remember too much. When I was 5 I lived with my grandparents because my mom was a long time in hospital. Earlier was not nice situations at home but I don’t want to back to some things. I hope that you will understand that something is too hard to talk about it right now.
In my a primary school was even ok, just teachers didn’t want to learn us too much, but one or two was ok. These years was funny and full of the playing. When I finished a primary school and I went to a secondary school it was like a huge shock to me. The first days everything was ok, but the next months changed everything.
Yeah, I wasn’t liked, I was bullied as you know. I also self-harmed and I thought about die. I was just 13, and I thought that I’ll die when I will be 17. It was terrible time in my life. Really, I hate, I hate, I hate these memories so much. If you read my articles, poems etc there is part of my soul and my experiences. I didn’t hurt myself so much because I was scared about my veins. It sounds so weird but in the pain everything is possible.
The people in school was good and bad. My class was crazy. I remember as they bullied one girl, and she moved from the school, unfortunately I didn’t say anyone about it what happened to me and I suffered three long years. I was treated terrible and no one protected me. All the time I have a little scar near my eye, it was a little gift from someone. I hated words, quarrels, tried to “hug me” by someone. I cried in silence. Everyone thought that I’m ok but I lived in dark.
Also, my class bullied teacher from foreign language( English) and priest. It was terrible what they did. We had lessons with police or psychologists but without any effect. They suffered but I think that school preferred had good opinion.
I’ll not forget this fear from a secondary school time, and I don’t want to that it back to me again. When I was in this school also my family had big problems with law. Yeah, it was my dad. He had some problems with the right and he was in the arrest, but no one helped us. I remember this day when police was in home and when media talked about it. For persons who’s knew about it was funny.
Only escape to me were music and writing poems. It was the time when I started in my first stories contests for a secondary school pupils and my story was published in a book. I cried often by situation with my dad, but it wasn’t the only visit police at my home, unfortunately.
It what happened me learned me that I can’t believe in my dreams. I was someone worse and I’ll forever. And as I mentioned my mom is sick and she can’t work so it was the time when just my sister worked and my grandma helped us a little. Social worker didn’t want and family too. I remember that I was hungry and it was terrible. The better was not eat. I ate every day almost the same things and a little because I couldn’t more. I couldn’t take part in a school trips. I was just a grey girl.
I was so happy when I finished a secondary school and I went to a high school. There was ok, even good. I have good memories and bad too but I loved this place. And thanks my teacher( Polish language), I found my own style, called neo weltschemerz.
But the problem at home was still but in school they didn’t know about it. I wanted to talk with someone about it but at home I was learned that I can’t say about private life. Yeah, no I broke this rule. During my young life I heard that everything is my blame, now I feel it too..
My a post secondary schools were weird?? At the first I started administration but I moved on the third semester because I had problems with professor, now I finished tourism, and from the next month I’ll start veterinary but unfortunately by my health I can learn just one year, I had just six months :/ My lungs are rebel by my underweight and I’ll must start treatment in the new week….
And now I’m still scared about my new school… it’s terrible feeling. Life learned me so much. I know that I can’t realize my dreams because always is some sign and it makes me worse. But I want to so much be happy and be myself. I don’t know happiness and light. I want to help so much the people but I don’t know how change my own life.
I’m just Forbidden