Summer Bummer: Why I Will Never Go To A Water Park

When I think about things, a lot of what makes me “me” doesn’t make sense. Let’s start off with how I used to eat out of trash cans in high school because I thought it was funny. One time, a friend of mine spat in my hand and I ate whatever landed in my palm for a dollar. I also used to drink out of soda cans that I would find on the street and well, you get the idea.

No Sammy and Dean! Noooo!

In my Hall of Disgusting-ness, there is one door that I will never venture through. That door, when opened, leads to a water park full of slides fueled by the six weeping eyes of Satan. There are towering afronts to the heavens which you must throw yourself down to land in murky dens of inequity. Throngs of people and their naked flesh jostle against you in revelry. Water parks are everything that is wrong with the world minus all the shame.

Let’s talk about some things:

Heights –

Tall things weird me out. Sure, I might stand on the edge of bridges and peer out of windows from up high but that doesn’t mean that I want to plunge myself down for the rush. There is a reason why I have feet. That reason is so that they can be firmly planted on the floor and not sputtering about in freefall. No thank you.

You never really know where you’re going –

See that spiral there? YOU GO INTO THAT BLACK HEART OF DARKNESS. IN IT. Well, actually I don’t know if that’s true but there are water slides like that. It’s basically this:

And then at the end of the ride, this is all that’s left:

Who knows where you went? Oh, no one probably. You were going so fast that you tore a hole in spacetime and now you’re in some weird dimension where it rains donuts.

But there is no beer. Well played, spacetime, well played.

All The People. Ever –

No. I get that going to a water park is a nice chill out because water equals refreshing but when you have that idea, it turns out that EVERYONE else has that idea as well. The last thing I want to do is be wet with strangers.

Speaking of people, there are usually really tiny people at water parks and we all know what they do in public pools.

You are lying to yourself if you think that public swimmin’ hole water is clean. If I wanted to jump in a toilet, I would go to the beach. I get that accidents happen but that doesn’t mean that I want to play in traffic because it’s something to do when you’re bored. Also, all those chemicals in the water are not good for you skin.

I need all the help I can get keeping my complexion .~* F L A W L E S S *~.

And now, your moment of zen –

Have fun at the water park for me!

Feel free to share your thoughts on water parks below. Hopefully you hate them as much as I do and I didn’t gross you out just now. TTFN!