My Diary

Today, I watched „Cyberbully”. For me it was hard part of day because these painful memories just back to me and I can’t change my mind. I’m not fan of talking about it. You know we are humans and during the life is a few barriers which will want to change everything what was good and lovely for us. If you follow me… you know that I was bullied. And maybe I should say what I feel to feel free now. Really I don’t know.

I don’t want to back to the past because I’ll hurt myself again. But maybe there is a reason to do it. Yeah it’s weird but all time I feel like a victim. It’s not valid about what are my the next problems but I hate when these make me down. I’m not a fighter. I’m a little girl. It sounds weird and crazy but I don’t care about it. I need to believe in myself but I can’t because the fear is winner.

What I see in the mirror? I don’t like mirrors because I see there the broken souls and lives. But I ? I think that big eyes with hidden message to the world and hair- my mask. I want to spread the love and support but often I need these valuables and things. I do research my life and there is empty room where no one likes me. Where I’m nobody and the whole world wants to kill me.

I love nature because inspiring me so much. You know that she gives to me the strength which we is needed to stay alive. And I try to put these emotions on the paper. And the next you can feel it. But I know that be someone in this world is hard but I’ll feel terrible when I’ll lost my art. It’s part of me. My heart. Right now I would to cry but I can’t. My teddy bears giving me some secret hugs!!! But please, keep it in secret 🙂

Although I’m 23 but I saw many in my life. During last week’s I met the pain again. And really I didn’t know what I have to do. Thanks my fabulous friends I could stay a little more positive and be here. I posted here all time but I was so depressed that you even don’t know. My energy wasn’t available, so I thought too much and it was mistake. Sometimes is too hard that explain it.

Even writing about it makes me scared. Forbidden is a fragile girl and she doesn’t know what you will think about her. Sometimes really is weird. But when I came back to my scars, I felt like the worse person in the Universe. You know why? Because the pain didn’t know a chance to stay alive and kicked me more. But who cared about me? I remember too good my life and it’s something bad. I need to erase everything terrible and found the love but I can’t.

You don’t know how horrible I feel because I can’t realize my dreams. I’m only grey person which you will forgot with the time and you will not even want to know me. It says to me negative and sadness part of my mind. But where is positive?

Be someone for me is complicated. I can’t lose my life and energy to breath. But I’m scared to be someone… maybe the solution is change something but I don’t know what I have to change. I see my life and there is too many tears and stupid thoughts. Always I wanted to know someone who will help me through by this weird world and I hope that someday I’ll met.

Acceptation, I need her so much. I feel so horrible. Today I hate my bones but I have days when is worse. I don’t accept myself. All my life I heard from the persons which were around me that I’m nobody and w***e and now I think about it. I can’t change the feelings.

But sometimes is better. I hope that soon will be better. I want to go to the college so much. I want to help with the people on the streets, with the homeless etc My life goal is helping young people fight with bullying, self-harm, eating disorders and everything what hurt these young hearts. I don’t know how but I need to create my art and show the world that there is someone like I and can chance the world. But as I said barriers are something what cut my wings.

If you read my diary, I want to thank you so much. Sending you many love, soon will the next part