Heartblog: Why Not Me?

My long collection of “why not me’s?” started at a pretty young age. A great friend once told me that we are all the stars of our own stories. We feel like the entire universe runs circles around us, which is what feels true but in actual truth the world is a million moving pieces and a million different relationships. Much like a giant puzzle piece to fit together.

So of course, in my zen heaven-head I know that the world doesn’t really care that much about me and the story of me. It’s just not that big of a deal but in failure and in success the first thing that comes to mind, ME.

Something great happens, “I did it”

Something terrible happens “why is this happening to me!”

It’s a very hard thing to feel ready and deserving of something, love, success, new shoes- and the universe not create that for us. It’s very hard to work really hard, and not see the world reward that work in the exact ways we wish. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but looking back makes me feel better.

When I look back, on the last 10 years of my life, I’m always really happy that sometimes I was alone, crying in my room- yelling at the universe “WHY NOT ME?!”

I remember the year the Rockette calls went out and for two days I laid in bed, looking at my phone, thinking a mistake had been made, or that they skipped my name by accident. They hadn’t. I was not hired that year and I had a major “WHY NOT ME?” moment. In retrospect, I’m happy it wasn’t me that year, I went on to have an amazing year and travelled to Hong Kong and Spain dancing with other companies.

One time, someone I dated broke up with me and then very quickly after that got into a long term realtionship after telling me “I dont want to be in a relationship right now.” It was so terrible to hear and at the time all I could think of was “WHY NOT ME?” It was clear he did want to be with someone and it was clear that it was totally personal. It was a really hard pill to swallow, until now years later I can see exactly why the universe played out like that.

All I am saying is that, even when it breaks your heart, hurts you ego or pains your soul, The universe in all it’s crazy is unfolding how it should. It might not feel like it, but I constantly have to remind myself that things are happening in a way that I cannot control and if I just live my life doing my best and trying my best and putting a good heart and a good product out into the universe, then at the end of the day- sometimes it will totally be because someone just doesn’t get me and sometimes it will have nothing to do with me and sometimes it’s just not gonna be me.

Keep going guys, keep doing what you love, even if your knees shake and your heartbreaks. This is your life and it deserves all of you. xx I love you guys. xx