FIRST CHAPTER OF ” THE PINK TEARS”: ODI ET AMO
I. Odi et Amo
Music goes silent Silence treats my pain Soul is empty I can’t find return road I don’t know where is my true home I don’t want to breath sufferingThe fear is my heart
I wrote in diary sad words. I looked for solution of the problems. I wanted change something. I tried, but I fell. All time I can’t get up. Why is life so complicated? Really, nobody knew me. Lies was my friend. I harmed myself and I needed help but I was alone. Everyone was so blind. I wanted so much that someone freed me from this trap. I needed protective armor but it was too much. I felt rejecton from every side. I thought about death.
School was like a prison. I wasn’t myself there. I was afraid that everything I do bad. Fear made that I was dying. Friendship was illusion. I wear these scars to today, inside and outside me. I never will forget about this. I was nobody when they laughed, humiliated and hit me. They destroyed me. They did that I was shadow. I didn’t feel happiness and love. Often I regret that I lost everything. I can’t turn back time. All goes by.
I looked on the people with fear. I was afraid glances, gestures and behaviors. When they spoke I thought that about me. This was something what I can’t describe. Althought sometimes it back to me. It makes that I feel like a stupid little girl. I don’t believe in myself. It’s my the biggest mistake. I’m in the hand of the today’s world.
Teddy bear loved me always and saved me. He protected my body and didn’t hurt my soul. Hugged so strongly, when I needed. He didn’t leave me. Teddy bear cried with me whole nights. I knew that I could counting at him always. Only he. I didn’t have true friends. He knew my secrets. This just toy, but for me more than suport.
I was lost without hope on better future. I know right now that it what I did was bad but I didn’t have a choice. Problems was too big. When I think about it, I feel that I must to change something…