Open The Gates, There’s A Flood Of Emotion

Wow. The only word that can encompass what has happened the past days.

Rejection. Love. Passion. Anger. Old memories. Dejavu. Hurt. Happy. New walls. New secrets. Old stories. Past times.

I have bitten my tongue over the years till my tongue was raw. I have walked on eggshells and glass till my feet bled.

My eyes have finally been opened. I finally was able to close a dramatic life altering chapter in my life that has hindered me from so many people and so many things. To grow, to believe and to find someone to share that with.

Have you ever had that one person in your life who makes you think you are nothing? You will be nothing and accomplish nothing?

The one you blame for ruining all your relationships after and making you think the way you do. We all have that. It’s not fair. It’s not fair to that person you blame that you have so passionately loved before. LOVE is a serious word. Yes, I get it, there are those circumstances where you feel like it isn’t there anymore in someone. But to me, I believe it never goes away. To TRULY love someone for all their worth, all of their bad and all of their good.

Forgiveness. Tonight is the first night of my life where I sat and forgave someone.

This is huge for me. I hold onto grudges and things that hurt me. I hold onto them for dear life because I am scared. I am scared to let go and let anyone else in. I wear my heart not on my sleeve, but on the whole front of my shirt. Loving everyone in someway, finding the good in all. But once my heart is stomped on, I have always thought I could never go back, until tonight. I showed myself I can still love that person. Through all the aches, drama, tears, fights, and years of not talking.

Never think you can’t say what you are feeling to someone. Say what you want! Don’t have a filter. Living with things pent up inside you will eat you alive! I did that. For almost 3 years. Not voicing my opinion on something to someone. And tonight for the first time the words, phrases, thoughts and opinions came pouring out like a gigantic flood. I couldn’t make it stop. It hurt so bad, and felt so good at the same time.

I’ve had this complete epiphany of rejection, and passion and secrets, and comfort and so many emotions the past few days. New people in my life that I am struggling with to keep around. Why? Because I blame past occurrences for making me like that. It is true. And I cant find that level of comfort to open up and believe that I won’t get hurt. But at the same time after closing this certain chapter, a lightbulb went off and opened my eyes to what it REALLY is. and how I should REALLY handle it. Not how I feel like I “should”.

My theme song this past week was definitely “Ironic” by Alanis Morrisette.

Everything kept happening in certain funny ways. But all working out in an odd manner. One night I made an effort to see someone because deep down I wanted to, but it wound up not working out. And if that actually had worked out, I wouldn’t of saw who I did, leading me up to this grand thought process of relationships and myself and others.

We. . I, myself, spend so much time having my head wrapped around something that is not in my control. This past night showed me that when you learn to just let things go, they normally do wind up coming back around and working out. I now am a firm believer that they do. The people that actually matter in your life will come back around. 🙂 I just finally feel free and I can look at myself in the mirror and smile knowing I don’t have a level of animosity towards someone. Because that hurts.

This entry right now is probably not making any sense, but it does to me in my little crazy head.

But this is by far the hardest thing I have had to write about, knowing that someone will be reading this, probably judging my every word, punctuation, or thought.

But I say fuck it. Life is pointless sitting there waiting on what someone else’s opinion is. fuck being afraid. fuck being scared to say you like someone. fuck it all.

Live in the moment, for yourself. Yes, I do find myself digging a hole I get stuck in with people. but then in that case they should pick up a shovel and jump down there with you, not judge you from the top.