Oh, let’s go back to the start. (a blog about my heart)

i will admit it.

I am a very hard person to date. I am finicky, everything needs to be exactly placed perfectly, I am a dreamer whose head exists in a faraway place, I place unrealistic expectations on EVERYTHING, and I will blame anyone but myself for my problems.

So, making someone like me happy, is a very challenging job. I get it.

Luckily for me, Swoon has taken on this job and does a really good job 95% of the time of it. The problem is, being an adult. For years, when I was younger and would come to a crossroad in a relationship I could do a million things. I could jump ship and end it, and run into the arms of a stranger feeding me need for change and fresh heartbeats, I could produce some epic passive aggressive drive away in hopes that someone would chase after me (but I wouldn’t chase back for a good day or two) or I could just go to something totally crazy like cut off all my hair, spend $1000 on something stupid or go take a crazy dance class. I could break up and make up a million times because breaking up feeds my need for change and making up feels like the end of every romantic comedy that I wish so desperately to live inside.

The problem is that I love swoon far too much for any of those options. I have to much respect for him as a human to be such a selfish person. And so, for some reason I sat this morning drinking tea making mental lists of all the things that drive me insane about him. At the same time I was completely doubtful that I would ever meet anyone as radical as he is ever again in my life.

This is the part about being a grown up that I’ve had to learn. Sometimes you are going to absolutely HATE the person you love the most, you just will. I think that being a grown up means that you have to get out of the house, blast coldplay songs and get away from that person for long enough until you remember why you miss them. I am slowly learning to act like a grown up (it is very hard) and not run away whenever stuff gets hard. It’s hard to feel madly in love with someone when you know all their stories, it’s super hard to feel madly in love with someone when your life consists of cooking, cleaning and all the other grown up responsibilities that are a whole lot less fun then drinking backstage at rockshows or living on the high of seeing someone you haven’t seen in a month in a long distance relationship.

I’m officially a grown-up and trying very hard to be good at grown up love.

I just miss the nights where Swoon woul blow my mind with every single word. Is it possible to live inside that first meeting hightened falling in love phase forever, or eventually does everything loose it’s shine?

Nobody said it was easyNo one ever said it would be this hardOh, take me back to the start