Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse With Rich: Prequel to the Darwin Awards

The other day, I was busy looking at all kinds of cute zombie toys and that got me thinking: What if the zombie apocalypse actually happened? If you think that this is highly unlikely, please read these 5 Scientific Reasons written in jest that the zombie apocalypse could actually happen over at It’s pretty interesting and makes me not want to go outside.

Photo: AMC

That article also makes me want to learn how to shoot a weapon properly and live off the land. It makes me want to get all fit and be mega crafty. In all honesty, if something like this happened, I would probably cease to exist very quickly. I wouldn’t know how to feed myself, fend for supplies, or build a fort out of gumption sustained by moxy. I would probably die during a run to the store for toilet paper or something ridiculous.

Thank goodness that someone has written The Zombie Survival Guide and that people in the following videos know how to fend for themselves. Maybe I can charm them with my wiles and they will protect me.

Let’s take a look at some of the coolest homemade contraptions that could possibly save your bum come the zombie apocalypse:

Zombie Proof House

Look at this thing. It has a draw bridge. A DRAW BRIDGE. That thing also leads to the only entrance of this house. There are also these giant metal shutters that come down over the windows. I want to live here and shut myself off from society.

Machete Slingshot

This dude is a bad ass. I mean really.

Guillotine Slingshot

Another contraption brought to you buy the same guy above. This seems a bit cumbersome but still. I wouldn’t be able to craft something like this, ever. Even if tried, something would go horribly wrong and I would probably be headless.

Super Soaker Flamethrower

Oh what I wouldn’t give for this. This isn’t actually too far off from the homemade bleach bomb my friends and I made in high school, except this actually works. The thing about that bleach bomb is that well, let me tell you.

Do you all remember the anarchist cookbook? OH GAWD LOLz. My friends and I had the bright idea of printing it out from the internet (56 K modem wud up) and making some of the stuff. We actually made the napalm and set fire to street. The fire department came and it was a hot mess for hours outside and my friends and I hid in my tree house and poo’d our pants because we thought we were going to jail. Never been caught.

The bleach bomb didn’t work. We managed to stink up the ENTIRE neighborhood and my dad kicked us out of the back yard. That was fun. Imagine if we would’ve had this? Probably no good would have come of it.

Shock Sword

Sharp things and I don’t get along. I have the scars to prove it. I don’t know how useful this would be in a zombie apocalypse. I mean, they’d already be dead so the shock portion of this just seems like a bit much. It’s still pretty bad ass, though.

If I made this, I would probably shock the crap out of myself. Great.

Wolverine Claws

I don’t know if I want these to cut fruit or zombies. I don’t know how this dude does that spin. If I did this, I would probably spin around and fall on my own claws. That’s the kind of coordination that I have.

Spud Gun

I’ve always known that potatoes were dangerous. I mean, if you fry them, all that cholesterol kills you slowly. Who knew that taters could do all this damage? Not me. I would probably blow myself up if I tried doing this.

Or, you can always resort to this:

Lightning bolt!

My only useful tactic ever was taught to me by Tree Trunks:

Do you think that would work on a zombie horde? I am not sure. Maybe. I am pretty damn charming.

In closing, I would like to thank all the above persons for making me feel inadequate and showing me that I will be but a tasty snack when the zombies come. With no survival skills and a general lack of anything useful in my head, I will surely be the first to go. Whatever. I have my peace with this world.

What’s your favorite weapon? How would you survive the zombie apocalypse? Are you ready?