Being Single Isn’t So Bad: Celebrate Unmarried & Single Americans Week

It’s Unmarried & Single Americans Week. This time of the year is also known as Rich’s Life: all the time. I am single because I hate people and cuddling is dumb. I have intimacy issues and PDA actually makes me want to die. The last thing that I want to do is have someone in my apartment because my dog barks and hell to the no, you are not sleeping on my giant ass bed. You also aren’t going to tell me to turn off my Doctor Who episodes and I also don’t want you playing your crappy music in my house, either. With an attitude like this, I predict much single to happen for the rest of my life. I am okay with this.

All my single ladies.. and JT, Andy, and whoever else is there ^

Naturally, I had to ask the internet what this week was, because I only found out about this recently. Of course, the internet knows everything and I happened to chance upon this gem of an article entitled 12 Ways To Celebrate bla bla w/e Week.

I think this is a list that the author found on other sites and then made into one post. They have truly culled some magic from the briny deep. Let’s take a look at the list compiled by this article and wonder just what exactly they were doing when they weren’t single. This article’s suggests:

Travel – Did you not travel when you were with your beloved? I don’t know about you, but I am a rolling stone. Even when I was hitched, me and my beefcake traveled on occasion because staying at home is boring.

The author of this post didn’t travel because: It is a proven science fact that multiple cuddles block the travel receptors in the brain and you are more inclined to stay home during non-singleness.

Hello John Candy in a movie about traveling!

Volunteer – Because you couldn’t do that when you were a non-single. Well, volunteering then is usually more like, I am volunteering to clean up your mess, wash your dirty undies, and make dinner. This will prevent me from volunteering from sending you passive/aggressive notes for being lazy.

The author of this post didn’t volunteer because: They are an awful person. I’m kidding. When you are with someone (especially when that person is not an adult but you didn’t find out till later), it’s hard to take care of them and put in hours at the puppy mill. Wait. I mean “animal shelter.”

Visit Friends & Family – YOU’RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT? Now that the troll that guarded the bridge outside the castle where you were kept in the dungeon, you can go about your merry way and let everyone know that you didn’t fall off the face of the earth. Falling off the face of the earth shouldn’t happen, unless you believe in the Flat Earth Theory, but you shouldn’t be allowed outside if you do anyway.

The author of this post suggests this because: They were kept in a basement pit of love.

o hai

Find A Hobby – Yes. Find a hobby. Hopefully it will keep your mind off of being single, because who wants to remember who they are? Who wants to remember that they are a force to be reckoned with, when you can crochet all your feelings into a scarf?

The author of this post suggests this because: They were so busy being in love that they forgot that they had interests.

Hit the Gym – What the author really means is – you let yourself go. You bet I did. I let myself go to the ice cream shoppe and I don’t care. I will put all the toppings on my scoops and not even care. Maybe I don’t want to go to the gym. Maybe I just want to do 12 oz curls in my dank apartment and listen to Disintergration on repeat and wake up in my bathtub. Maybe I do.

The author of this post suggests this because: they are jelly that you can eat all the cake you want and not care.

Go Out Dancing – Do they mean alone? Because that’s about as sad as a kitten in a box with a “For Free” sign during a rain storm. I used to do this a lot because when I first moved back to California, I didn’t know anyone and I wanted to go to place where they play o0nTz o0nTz o0nTz o0nTz danz music. It wasn’t until later that I found out that this wasn’t cool and that that was why I didn’t have any friends.

The author of this post suggests this: only if you have actual friends and not a bunch of feelings that make you ugly cry when the song you ex dedicated to you comes on.

Be Bad – This is where the list gets naughty. I probably shouldn’t say that because who cares if you want to get your groove back and mount more things than all the people in the Khalessar put together? That’s your business because you know, you’re an adult.

The author of this post suggests this because: for once, they want me to agree with them.

Sup Khal Drogo? Sup?

Do You – UM. UM. This is where the posts talks about adult toys and stuff but I am going to spare you all that. Not that I don’t condone that but this is for Buzznet and I kind of want to keep working here instead of telling you about lube.

The author of this post suggests this because: they want me to get fired.

Wear Something Sexy – I suppose this is good advice as long as you aren’t a furry. No one wants to see that. Yes, yes I am Furry Shaming because no, that isn’t even okay. Ever.

The author of this post suggests this because: they have a deal with Victoria’s Secret and they are trying to sell you stuff. I might have made that up.

Revel In Reality TV – No. No one should ever do this. Reality TV is the worst thing ever. It’s why good TV doesn’t exist. It’s why we have to go to HBO to watch Game of Thrones. If you watch reality TV, you probably deserve to be single.

The author of this post suggests this because: They want to know that someone else is being miserable with them and that they facilitated this by suggesting something awful to you.

Date – No. You are on a time out. Why? Oh because your last relaish didn’t work out so why don’t you take some yoga classes, find your inner whatever, and get it together. The last thing you need to do is date.

The author of this post suggests this because: They want to break out into writing for SVU by using your rebound dating stories as inspiration.

Look ahead – Like all the things on this list, this also strikes me as odd. It’s not that you shouldn’t look ahead, because you should. Hell, much of this list is full of stuff you should do regardless of whether or not you are single. Much of this list makes it seem like all of this stuff stopped because whomever wrote these things up was all hunkered down.

Allow me to quote: “It’s important to take risks, and enjoy being single while you can.” UGH. Enjoy being single why you can. Maybe I am reading too much into this but whatever. Regardless of you being single or not, you should always enjoy your time and do what pleases you the most. I get that sometimes you have to compromise with your S.O, but that should only be on things like “Should we have meatloaf or BLT’s for dinner?” kind of stuff.

No matter what anyone says, being single is awesome. You don’t have be paired up like some animal waiting to ride Noah’s Ark to the Isles of Divorce if you don’t want to. Sure, sometimes it’s nice to be all in love and sometimes it’s not. You just do whatever you want and remember that you don’t have to do anything you do want to.

Stay strong and stay single. Happy Single People Week/Life!

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Thumbnail by: ToLove&Back