Three More Suggestions for Twilight-ification

It seems like just about everything is getting the Twilight treatment these days. Major tweaks were made when adapting LJ Smith’s The Vampire Diaries to TV in order to make it closer resemble Stephenie Meyer’s books. Red Riding Hood took a classic story with overt menstrual symbolism and turned it into supernatural-teens-in-a-love-triangle. And of course, now MTV is turning the 80’s comedy Teen Wolf into a series that is pretty obviously taking notes from Bella, Edward and Jacob.

Well, for once, Hollywood, I am ahead of you. Here are three more ideas for how to Twilight-ify old things in order to maximize profits.


The original: Anne Shirley, a Canadian orphan is adopted by a brother and sister with a failing farm. Through her wit, imagination and stubborness she grows into an extraordinary and independent young woman with dreams of a college education and becoming a writer.

Twilight-ified: Set in the modern day, 17-year-old orphan Anne Shirley is brought by mysterious brother and sister Matthew (Johnny Depp) and Marilla (Helena Bonham Carter) to fulfill her destiny in the wilds of Canada. Anne discovers her special gift: anything she imagines can become reality. But can her powers help her unravel the mystery of the handsome-but-elusive Gilbert Blythe?


The original: German siblings are abandoned in the woods, eat a house and outsmart a witch.

Twilight-ified: Stepsiblings Hansel and Gretel escape into the woods after their parents are killed by a mysterious and evil power. They come upon a strange house where all of their needs are magically met, maintained by a handsome but mysterious man (Johnny Depp). But when it becomes clear that their caretaker is really their captor, Hansel and Gretel must come to terms with their own supernatural gifts as well as their feelings for each other. But with Gretel tempted by their caretaker, will they stand together or fall apart?


The original: Kids program featuring people dressed as animals who teach kids important lessons about self confidence, sharing and…you get the idea.

Twilight-ified: Good looking teenagers with the ability to change into animals must fight a mysterious force as well as their own internal pain. But when Lance (a bear) and Vinnie (a lion) both fall in love with Wendy (a kangaroo) will their friendship be ripped apart? Featuring Johnny Depp as…actually, he just showed up on set, we don’t even know what was going on with that.

So, investors. Get in on this stuff NOW. Before it’s too late. I’ll be waiting for my checks.