10 Things That Will Definitely Happen To You If You Wear Justin Bieber’s New Perfume

Justin Bieber is making a perfume. Whatever, right? Honey badger don’t care. Do whatever you want, child billionaire. Never mind that the bottle has what looks like an anatomical piece of something or other on the top of it. I mean, I’ve seen toys like that in Le Adult Bookstore while conducting “research” for my articles. Never mind that at all.

Instead, let us talk about how this looks like something your Nana would get you when she orders something from Avon and splurges. Let’s talk about how this commercial probably cost more to make than I earn in an entire year. Let’s talk about how creepy this video is and what will happen to you if you buy/wear this:

10 things that will happen to you if you wear Biber’s new perfume:

  1. Justin Bieber will materialize in your bedroom:

2. The Beebs will give you a piggy back ride… into heaven:

3. Your bedroom will explode and end up looking like a Hallmark Card:

4. You’ll get a fancy heart/key thingy to wear and thus signal your availability to all terd mongers everywhere:

5. You’ll see the shoes that the Beebs used to curb stomp Grimace:

6. The Beebs will get all “Edward Cullen” on you:

7. Your dreams will be haunted by prism chards from Dark Crystal that contain Justin Bieber’s face:

8. Your hair will be bouncier and you’ll look like Taylor Swift:

9. You’ll be spraying yourself with a concoction of (see 10):

10. This scent (comprised of Justin’s tears and rung out “after the show” towels will render you:

Don’t do it kids. Don’t give in.