10 Keys To Spotting Your Missing Youth

I was reading this blog over here by one Mr. Akins and it got me thinking just how much of an adult I actually now was. As a 32-year veteran in the war of not-wanting-to-grow-up, I feel that le battle is clearly lost and it’s time for me to do big people stuff. It totally sucks and I wish I didn’t have responsibilities, but I do.

If any of the following things are begining to happen to you, you are probably on your way to being an actual adult.

10. You bring work home with you:

This is so that I can work from home at an actual desk instead of laying in my bed, which causes my old man back to hurt. I have to make this giant pillow/blanket/ramp thing to prop me up correctly so that I am not all hunched over as I type. This whole desk situation is really depressing. I mean, I AM BRINGING WORK HOME AGAIN. I always work from home, but this is ridiculous. I kind of want to set this area of my apartment on fire already.

9. You don’t drink to party, you drink to deal:

Life is kind of weird. it’s awesome and then not really. If I knew adulthood was going to be a rollercoaster of emotion, I would’ve never entered the damn park. Thank goodness for beer.

I love and hate alcohol. Sure, it’s fun to get a little bit of the giggles but I am no spring chicken. I can’t drink like 5 Adios Mother F**kers in a night and then wake up to bike to work like nothing happened last night. Those days are gone. I have kind of stopped drinking a bit because being dependent on substances sucks. I had two beers at Yasi’s birthday party and that’s been it for a while now.

8. Your metabolism sucks:

One of the reasons why I can’t drink like a champ anymore is because my metabolism is slowing down. “Nah, that’s cool Rich’s body, we like drinking Metamucil.” (that’s my metabolism talking JSYK)

Things just don’t fit me the same way and no matter what I do, once I go up a belt notch, there’s no going back. Happens. Thank goodness for elastic waist bands.

7. You Always Want To Nap:

When you were little, naps were the devil. Now, they hang over your shoulder like some guardian angel that always seems out of reach. I always want to nap. I guess naps are practice for DYING.

6. Your bedtime changes:

Photo by: GummiBears

Speaking of naps and cats, let’s talk about how it’s 10pm and your friends want you to go out but you are ALREADY IN BED. Guess who has to be up at 6:30am so he can get ready for work? Mmmm hmmm!

5. Your friends are getting married:

Photo by: Aly

A few of my friends are tying the knot. Some have already done so, and some even have kids. It’s kind of crazy. In the future, I’ll totally be that dude that shows the kids the pictures of Mommy and Daddy shotgun-ing those Natty Ice brews like pros.

4. You have more work clothes than non-work clothes:

I’m not saying that isn’t cool to dress like Matt Smith. I just needed to post something of some dude in nice clothes and this was what first came to mind. Look at him being a snazzy BAMF. I will also say that this hasn’t happened to me yet.

A long time ago, I had to wear nice clothes for a job interview and JFC I felt like a tool box in them nice-ass clothes. I like wearing clothes that make me look like a boi. So what? I’ll be dead inside if I have to do the suit-and-tie thing. Also, probably broke.

3. “11” is actually way to loud:

I am prone to rocking out. I don’t have Tenitus, I have Elevenus. That’s because I rock at an 11. Well, I used to. Now, if it’s too loud, I retreat to the back of the venue and put toilet paper in my ears. Yup.

2. I’m actually worried about my future:

As I get older, I realize that I am going to be all old and alone and I am freaking out. Who is going to take care of me when I am a thousand years old? I am not looking forward to this at all.

1. I’m afraid of everything:

Everything freaks me out. Today, I was walking down the street to get some nomz and this dude kept staring at me. First, I was all LOL HE IS READY FOR MY BODY and then I looked at him and he wasn’t my type so I was all OMG HE’S GOING TO MUG ME. He ended up just saying that I had nice tattoos.

EVERYONE IS AFTER ME. If something on my body hurts, I make a doctor’s appointment. Life is going to be fun.