Coachella Predicted to Empty Los Angeles, City Prepares For A Hipster-Less Weekend

With Coachella only days away, the neighboring cities that surround the famed polo fields get prepared for the deluge of festival-goers to come. A slew of things must be accomplished to accommodate the influx of American Apparel-wearing locusts that descend unto the barren wastelands of Indio like some sort of biblical plague.

Instrad of doing actual work, today I will be focusing on the soon-to-be empty Los Angeles basin and what that means for native Los Angelenos.

The sidewalks are yours again, Los Angeles. Rejoice.

Sidewalks in Los Angeles will be devoid of hipster sidewalk bands and fixed gear cyclists. No longer will you be getting in “their way” as they pass a hat around for playing a bad Elliot Smith cover so that they might French kiss a tasty Pabst Blue Ribbon can. Families need not clutch their children as brakeless fixed gear riders ride perilously close to toddlers, because their ironic shades/swoopy bangs make small children nearly impossible to see.

Intelligentsia in Silverlake to be closed all Coachella weekend

The Intelligentsia coffee shop in Silverlake is notorious for deliciously over-priced coffee and horrible service. The thing is, the more you pay for said beverages, the better you tell yourself it is in this strange, reciprocal lie of steamed milk and self delusion.

I think the rule for this coffee spot is that the longer the line is to order, the more a-hole-ish your servers are. There are other Intelligensia coffee houses with much better service.

Many of Silverlake’s trendy boutique shops will be closed this weekend, as there is no point in maintaining the overhead costs to run a business while 100% of the patrons will be gone.

Heck, much of Silverlake will be devoid of all life. The wind will blow sad fliers for bands you’ve never heard of at your feet almost as if to mock you, and you will smile. It will be like a glorious version of the “Where Is Everybody?” episode of the Twilight Zone, but more fun.

Amoeba Records will be playing music you’ve actually heard of ALL WEEKEND.

Amoeba is the most awesome record store ever. The only thing is, they play a lot of music on the overhead speakers where you have to imagine the notes they aren’t playing. Actually, I can’t even make fun of that because Amoeba is always playing awesome music.

Maybe Amoeba will be closed because their entire staff will be off in desert being rad and it will be a strange scene outside as 30-something year old men stand and peer into the closed windows. We will be lost because we can’t go in on a Saturday afternoon to buy all of the Deathnote anime so that we might watch it at night because we have no social lives. We will then realize what sad husks of men we have become and begin to cry all the tears. It will take a few hours before the streets of Los Angeles are littered with first edition Star Wars collectables as we try to regain our lost spirits.

Thanks, Coachella. Thanks for making sidewalks safer, forcing me to find nicer places to get coffee, and making me realize that anime is the new D & D. Thanks for clearning the streets of Los Angeles and making my wait in some of the longest lines at local eateries all the shorter.

I can’t wait till another festival (Burning Man) takes another group of undesireables out of the city I love so much so that I might pretend I’m better than everyone else when in reality, I’m just too cheap to buy tickets to anything, ever.

Until the untimely return of everyone that’s cooler than me, I bid you a fond and fun time at this year’s Coachella!


2011 Coachella Line-up in Alphabetical Order

Coachella’s Most Epic Headliners in History