Coachella Alternative: Couchella

Yeah I guess Coachella is cool and all if you’re into stuff like bands and parties and drinking and sunshine and laughter, but I’m not. I’m into couches. So I present to you, one of my two dream Coachella alternatives: COUCHELLA. (See also, Broachella).

Couchella takes place in Los Angeles, California, in my living room.

What you’ll need:

1. Three large bags filled with 7-11 purchases

-including but not limited to: Tapatio Limon Ruffles, onion dip, a Super Big Gulp, Pocky, Flamin Hot Cheetos, sour cream, Chex Mix, a 6-pack of Tecate, Bugles, string cheese, Kit-Kats, Lemon-Lime Gatorade, Totino’s Pizza Rolls, Sour Patch Kids, US Weekly, various Lunchables, and Cop Out on DVD.

2. a Slanket

3. a giant floppy hat

4. cardboard cut-outs of The Strokes, Agnyess Deyn and Jeremy Scott

5. Cats

Activities include:


Actually it’s not live at all since it’s just my favorite television programs (or as I like to call them, my stories), recorded. But if we turn the volume high enough and sit close enough to the screen, it’s just like Benson and Stabler, Dr. House, Bones, and the rest of my TV pals are right in the room with us! Plus my DVR is at 99% and I can’t risk missing an episode of Criminal Minds.


Sure, I won’t be able to wait in an hour long line in the sweltering sun for a questionable $15 cheeseburger, but it’s comforting to know that all the fine cuisines of the globe are at my beck and call. I just have to let my fingers do the walking (through Do I want It’s Thai? Z Pizza? Bossa Nova Brazilian Cuisine? Maybe I want all three, because I’m not leaving the house again all weekend and I will be hungry again in one hour.


All you need for this awesomeness is an iPod dock stereo of some sort, and pliable cats willing to let you contort their paws into dance machines as they bob along to the beat of whatever jam you have chosen for them. What’s more fun than this?!?!? (Everything).


I added in the “social” because it sounds better than “Cinema Alone”. Now I’m no film connoisseur, but I do like to keep abreast of the cultural movie milestones of our times. The movies that really capture the zeitgeist, the ones that speak to our humanity. Which is why for Couchella, I’ve lined up the following fine films: Cop Out, Madea Goes to Jail, and Just Go With It, to name a few. Coachella or Culture: you choose.

AND MUCH, MUCH MORE! (not that much more really)

See you…on the couch.

See also: YOCHELLA (AKA Mo Desert Mo Problems)