Jersey Shore Episode 8 Recap: Life is a Toilet, and it is Clogged
This edition of the tribal rites of the Jersey Shore was all about things that are broken beyond repair: namely Sammi and Ronnie’s relationship, both toilets in the house, and The Situation’s humanity. Can they rebuild or is destruction the only currency of the guidos? Let’s take a look:
GYM, TAN, CLICHE
After Ronnie raged out and smashed all of her posessions, Sammi sinks deep into reflection:
“You broke everything. Everything is ruined.”
The gods of metaphor were looking down upon the Jersey Shore this day, a cruel smile playing on their lips. Sammi has packed up her bags and gone to her parents’ house, leaving Ron bewildered, confused, and kind of hungry.
“I never thought that she’d actually leave.” Fascinating! He is genuinely unable to comprehend that Sammi would leave after he did the following things (in no particular order):
1) smashed every single one of her possessions into tiny pieces
2) threw what he couldn’t smash onto the patio/into the street
3) called her a “bitch, ho, skank” and other epithets unfit to print
4) cheated on her
5) told her she deserved to be cheated on
As Ronnie drowns in a salty sea of sorrow, the Situation dives in like a lifeguard to save him with his bouy of banality. See below:
THE MANY PLATITUDES OF THE SITUATION
-Life goes on no matter what.
-Time keeps ticking and if you don’t keep going, you get left behind.
-If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be.
-Life’s not cookie cutter.
-I’d rather die standing than live on my knees.
It is after all of these cliches are fired at him in rapid fire succession that Ronnie says perhaps the most profound thing he has ever (or will ever) say:
“Listening to Mike talk about relationships is like listening to a sailor talk about flying a plane.”
THE PRANKO-PRUSSIAN WAR
Snooki and Deena smash cake into Vinnie’s face in order to lighten the mood, setting off a form of tribal battle called the “Prank War” between Team Meatballs and Bromance, which features angry rallying cries like “Karma’s a bitch!” and “Joke’s on you!”
In a particular brutal turn of events, Vinnie lynches Snooki’s most trusted companion, Crocadilly, on the side of the house. (see Exhibit A). Snooki is distraught, and searches the whole house for him, thinking she may have “misplaced” him. Nevermind that he disappeared a mere 10 minutes after she smashed cake in Vinnie’s face. Nevermind that it’s probably somewhat difficult to misplace a gigantic stuffed animal that never leaves your bed. Nevermind that…well just nevermind.
Snooki seems inordinately confused about who has kidnapped Croc, even though it’s been clearly established that she’s engaged in war with Vinnie. She actually can’t figure it out until after she finds him, and clutching the beaten and broken body of her crocodile, she asks the gang upfront who actually perpetuated this monstrous crime.
As Sun Tzu said, all war is based on deception, and between Snooki’s lack of warrior skill and the Snitchuation’s constant need to blow up everyone’s spot, this war is short-lived.
THE UNBEARABLE SADNESS OF RONNIE’S BEING
Ronnie is left bereft and broken after Sammi’s departure. A hollow shell of the buff bundle of idiocy he once was, he now spends his waking hours sulking, slouching, and crying covertly in bathrooms. In the interest of suicide watch, MVP bring him along to the barber shop, where they get snipped, shaved, and…waxed. Because nothing takes your mind off of things like watching your bros get their eyebrows done.
As mentioned above, Ronnie is baffled by Sammi’s departure, which has left him behind in an endless forest of anguish and despair. He’s left only with Banana to comfort him in his time of need. (see Exhibit B).Exhibit B
However he soon walks out of the forest, straight into the river of denial. Speaking to Snooki about their break up, he says “I’ll get her back though…because I get what I want.” Oh, the romance.
LIFE IS SHIT
Ronnie’s heart isn’t the only thing that’s broken here. (And I can’t help but wonder if there isn’t some correlation between Ronnie’s time spent weeping in the bathroom and the above photo). Anyway I’m pretty sure the rest of the episode was about clogged toilets and my brain gagged so hard it had an epileptic fit then had to lay down and take a nap so I have no idea what else happened. Sorry.
Until next week…