Jersey Shore Episode 6 Recap: Ifs, Ands, and Butts
In this episode of Jersey Shore, we got through a medical crisis, we were educated on the roles of the sexes, and we learned the value of hard work.This week was all about love, labor, and loss:
Judging from last week’s previews, this episode was all about the trials and tribulations of Ronnie’s health. More specifically, his butt, and the blood coming out of it. After a particularly hard night of drinking, things did not bode well in the bathroom.
We’re kept in breathless anticipation. Is it internal bleeding? Is it a peptic ulcer? Is it colitis? Is it hemorrhoids? Is it angiodysplasia? (I watch a lot of medical dramas). For the first time since Vinnie got pink eye from an big, fat, ugly girl, we go back to the doctor at the Shore.
Doctor: “Don’t worry we’re not going to do anything crazy.”Oh good, because usually all doctors do ALL SORTS of crazy things when they have their hands inside people’s anal cavities. What we don’t see while all this non-crazy rectal probing is going on is that Sammi is in the other room, eyes glowering a deep red, rubbing her hands together and murmuring “Yes…yes…YES.” Examine the evidence below:
“I made you food.”“Blargghhghhghghg”
“Does this hurt?”
For reasons unbeknownst to us to us, the members of the tribe are still forced to work at the trap of the tourists, Shore Store, hocking commemorative items and customized t-shirts for their miserable boss Danny. Poor Danny. He is basically serving out some sort of unending lame duck term in which he is absolutely no power over these employees, and his half-hearted attempts to keep them at line inspire pity and laughter. For example, in this episode, the girls come to work TWO HOURS LATE clutching half-drank iced mocha lattes, spend the whole time gossiping, and then call him a “buzzkill”. In the normal world where labor is necessary in exchange for capital in order to survive, they would have been fired faster than you can say 12% national unemployment rate. However in the Jersey Shore, the girls simply laugh Danny off.
“Like relax bro, it’s a t-shirt shop.”
The women of the tribe perpetuate a distinct set of gender-specific practices. While hyper-feminine in appearance (long hair, painted nails, fake eyelashes, amplified breasts) the girls seem to eschew many traditionally feminine tasks, such as cooking and cleaning, leaving those to the males of the tribe.
Their mating rituals are perhaps the most bizarre. While on the surface they are claim coyness, in reality they play a far different, and difficult to understand, game. Take Deena for example. Here she is after meeting a guy at the club for the first time:
Deena: I’m very…I want to go to the gym. I do cardio. So I don’t gain weight.
Random Guy: You’re a small girl anyway.
Deena: No I’m fat.
So…that’s sexy. After this interaction, she says (with much grit and conviction) “It’s not Halloween. I’m not handing out candy for free. Like, you need a Golden Ticket.” The two head off to snuggle and…
“Whatever, my golden ticket was taken. It is what it is.”
And then there is Snooki, perpetually single, always yearning to meet her love match, trying to trap a man anyway possible (including the 46 listed in this month’s Cosmo). But then she does things like this:
And says things like this:
“He’s so hot. I told him I’m taking his sperm. And making babies out of it.”
And when, despite all of this, she finds a guy who she is into and who really likes her, she rejects him. Even though he listened to her say this:
“No, I don’t want you to strip. I just want you to work the pole.”
“Everybody google it. That’s why the water is salty. From the f*cking whale sperm.”
He STILL likes her. So what does she do? She rejects him.
“So I’m like, this kid has a f*cking fiancee. Do you have kids? Do you have an STD?” Because Jeff (that’s this poor sap’s name, Jeff) is the kind of guy to be honest about his romantic past early on, he tells her he was engaged, a fact which Snooki cannot bear. “I don’t want someone who was married or engaged. I want someone new and fresh.” It’s this anthropologist’s professional opinion that there is something to be said here about beggars and their roles as choosers that applied to all cultures in the world.
This conversation happened:
Sammi: Why aren’t you going out? You can come.
Ronnie: I know I can go. I’m choosing to stay home.
Sammi: Wanna just break up?
And then I closed my eyes just for a second and a deep soft sleep enveloped me tighter than the hug of a mother who has lost her five year old child at the mall for three hours. When I woke up I think Sammi was kind of crying and Ron was quietly brooding and they were maybe broken up or they were on a break or they were talking about taking a break but guess what I don’t care and so ends this recap.