Dear Mom and Dad (An Open Letter)
I miss you. Both. I love you. Always. But there are things I need to say to reach out for some sort of closure in my life.
I hope you know that I always loved and always will love you, but you were an asshole. Why couldn’t you be a father? Ever? Why did your misery have to have us as company. I have forgiven you for a lot of things dad, tons. I never forget though. How can I ever forget you screaming at mom while she was sick and on chemotherapy? Am I supposed to forget the time I was building a cell for a science project and you were right down the hall trying to smother my sister to death with a pillow? All I could stand there and think was that I was going to watch my sister die and being a terrified 13 year old girl there was nothing I could do to stop you. Am I supposed to forget that when mom took us and left you that you hired a private investigator to find her, met with her, and pulled a gun on her? I have forgiven you dad, but I never forget. Because of you I am afraid of every male figure in my life. I flinch when people move their arms. After you killed yourself I waited for you to come out of nowhere and shoot me too for an entire year. To this day I wake up kicking the walls because I dream that you are alive. I don’t know how you could willingly choose to miss your own daughter’s graduation. I can’t understand how you could possibly ask me to sign a suicide pact with you at 23. I still get nervous when someone raises their voice. I still get anxious when I think I see someone who looks like you. I don’t even have any childhood or family photos because you cut them up and threw them all away before you put your shotgun to your head. I can’t believe you made me feel guilty for being in the hospital with mom instead of being miserable with you saying “I think the living need more attention than the dying”. You asshole. You only came to see mom in the 3 times before she died. You wouldn’t even hug me at her memorial. You weren’t a father. You will always be my dad but you were never a father to me. I love you. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t give to hear you laugh just one more time, but I fear I have already begun to forget what it sounded like. No matter what, you’re my dad and I love you. Unconditionally. I just think that things are better now that you’re at peace so that Lisa and I can live our lives. I miss you so much, but like you and Bob Dylan said, “I’ll meet you on God’s golden shore”.
You sweet little rabbit. I miss you so so soo much! You were the best thing in my life and you are carried in all of my memories. You were the best mama anyone could ever have asked for. I miss the way you used to pronounce “fork” and “like”. You worked two jobs to make sure we had food on the table and birthday presents. I saw more of the babysitter than you at one point because someone had to make sure the bills were paid. Now, as an adult I see how hard it was for you to support us with what you made. And not once did you ever say no if I asked for twenty bucks to blow at the mall. You were my everything. When I held your hand and watched you die in the middle of the livingroom all I could think was that as you were there for my birth it was only right for me to be there at your death. I’d rather your eyes were focused on my face than any other sight as your last. It’s so hard to carry on without you, but each day I suppose it gets a little bit easier. Just a little. I still try to pick up the phone to call you. I still give myself shit for not going with you to Epcot every year that you begged me to go with you. I can never watch Cirque De Soleil at Downtown Disney now because it was something we were supposed to see together. I will never forget the last film we watched together, your favorite, What Dreams May Come. Looking back now, how odd was that? I hope heaven is just like that. I want to laugh with you again. I wish I could give you one more hug. I need you to know that you were an angel here on Earth just as you are up there floating around right now. I know that I will see you again one day, you and dad, and I cannot wait for that moment. I know that if I ever have a child that they won’t be able to see how amazing you are for themselves, but believe me when I say that they will definitely know how great you really were.
Boys and Girls – I hope that each and every one of you realizes how much you parents love you. I hope you never take anything for granted when it comes to them. I pray that you treat them with the respect that they truly deserve, regardless of how they may be. They are you parents. They are the reason you are who you are and the reason you are alive. You never know when one of them will leave you and you never know how or why. Just remember that in their hearts they only want the best for you. You should only want the best for them. Do me a favor and tell your parents that you love them, for no reason, out of nowhere. Those are the moments that will mean the most and those are the moments that you will never forget.