Things I Would Be Obsessed With If I Were That Type Of Person (But I’m Not)
The other day I caught the trailer for the new movie The Roommate, which is kind of a new wave Single White Female starring Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly. Staring into Leighton’s crazy “I’ll kill you in your sleep so I can borrow that shirt” eyes, I started to think about obsession.
Not that I’m the type to become obsessive over any thing or person (I am) but if I were that sort of person (I had a scrapbook filled wih photos of models with straight hair when I was a child because my hair was curly and I hated it), these are the things I would become obsessed with (I need all of them in my life or I will die a slow, painful death).
1. Souplantation
Souplantation is basically the happiest place on earth. For something like $12, you get unlimited access to a gigantic salad bar full of fresh veggies and accroutement, 8-10 different delicious soups, AND pizza, baked potatoes and frozen yogurt. PLUS every month they have a new theme, like lemon month or taste of Italy or things Keifer Sutherland would eat (this is not a real month…YET). ALSO they have Sprite Zero in their fountain soda thing and I’m pretty sure they put crack in the Tuna Tarragon salad because it is unreasonably good. As if that wasn’t enough to have you declare a national holiday in which everyone drops everything and spends two hours at Souplantation, they now have brunch on Sundays at select locations. Unlimited breakfast burrito bar, people. I have no more to say on the topic.
2. The Rochas Pre-Fall Collection
While I’m sitting at Souplantation, stirring my Split Pea soup and daydreaming about the day I win the lottery and the things I will buy, this is what I am picturing.This, and a Birkin I can live inside of.
3. Taxidermy
In particular, taxidermy raccoons. Specifically, taxidermy raccoons in a row boat.
4. My TV Shows
I won’t divulge all of the shows I watch religiously but let’s just say if there are doctors, lawyers, cops, or guidos involved, I’m probably there. I also like: merry bands of helpful thieves, prohibition-era politics, and shows that rhyme with Shmalifornication.
5. The Montel Williams HealthMaster
It makes juice, sauces, and soups. And it is the master of health. I must have it.
Whenever this stops being $435 or my genie finally arrives to grant me those three wishes, this WILL be mine, and I willl fill it with lip balm and pens and love.
Full disclosure: Hanni is my friend as well as my cheerful neighbor, but even if he was a total stranger off the street who honked at me obnoxiously in the street when I was driving a little slow, I would still love his music. It’s all bluesy and gritty and catchy and fun, plus he also likes Souplantation.
9. The Los Angeles Lakers
Speaking of college roommates, I’m pretty sure I terrified mine when she first happened upon me watching a Laker game, white knuckled and screaming at the innocent television “COME ON. WHAT KIND OF DEFENSE IS THAT MY GRANDMA BOXES OUT BETTER THAN YOU” and so on and so forth. I still do this, but now I live alone and only my cats have to suffer through game nights.
10. My Books
I have a lot of books, and I am fiercely protective of them. I do not let anyone borrow them. My friends can borrow my clothes, my electronics, or my kidneys. They cannot borrow my books, because they will inevitably drop them in the bathtub/rip the cover in half/never give them back at all. I also don’t borrow books from other people. I will probably die alone, but I hope it’s in a giant oak library with plush leather armchairs and one million books, kind of like Karl Lagerfeld’s (pictured above).
11. Odd Numbers
Even numbers make me uncomfortable. When I go grocery shopping, I can only ever buy three lemons or five, never four, even if I only need four. I like to think of it as a charming quirk, not a debilitating neurosis. (You say tomato…).
