New Zodiac Sign Effing Everything Up For Everyone

When is a Scorpio NOT a Scorpio?

Well, apparently, when the Grand Pooh-bah of Astrology announces you’re not a Scorpio anymore.

Okay, I’m kidding about the Grand Pooh-bah of Astrology stuff, but I’m NOT kidding about the rest. Turns out that, according to people like Parke Kunkle of the Minnesota Planetarium Society, there should be a 13th sign. That sign would be called Ophiuchus, which would be the sign for people born between November 29th and December 17.

Photo by magro_kr on Flickr. Some Rights Reserved.

Oh, hey, great! Well, welcome to the party, Ophiuchus! It’s nice to have you here! Except, well, you know when you have one more person show up for dinner than you planned and you have to shift all of the other chairs around? Yeah, well, it’s suddenly like this, but with Zodiac signs.

Under this new system, all of the star signs would shift, resulting in a lot of people getting new ones. Which means that, suddenly, those vague-but-somehow-fitting traits from your old sign don’t apply to you.

The NEW Signs are as follows:

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16. Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11. Pisces: March 11-April 18. Aries: April 18-May 13. Taurus: May 13-June 21. Gemini: June 21-July 20. Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10. Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16. Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30. Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23. Scorpio: Nov. 23-29. Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29-Dec. 17. Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

Photo by FlickrDelusions on Flickr. Some Rights Reserved.

But wait, you say. Astrology is an ancient system! How could someone suddenly decide “Wait! Wait! We need a NEW sign?” Is this some sort of attempt to appeal to today’s hip yount astrologer on the go?

Well, see, apparently when the Babylonians created the system? They just left out Ophiuchus because they only wanted there to be 12 signs. Plus, people are saying, a wobble in the Earth’s rotation means that the entire system has changed since the Babylonians created it.

Photo by Clexow on Flickr. Some Rights Reserved.

And see, here’s the real kicker:


Look, I enjoy the Zodiac and horoscopes. I think they’re neat and it’s been said I’m about as Scorpio as someone can be. And yeah, I’m one of those people who’s traits actually do fit the sign they were born under. But at the same time, I don’t think it really has any kind of lasting consequences for anything or anyone.

But what’s REALLY ridiculous is places running stories about “Will your favorite celebrity’s sign be affected?” DOES ANYONE OVER THE AGE OF 14 REALLY CARE THAT MUCH ABOUT A CELEBRITY’S ZODIAC SIGN?

So, seriously, SCREW Ophiuchus, SCREW this new Zodiac and SCREW anyone who tries to tell me I’m a Libra. I am a Scorpio, will continue to be a Scorpio and nobody can tell me differently.

And I mean, really, what is it going to affect in the long run?