Jersey Shore’s Snooki Has Written a Novel. Wait, It Gets WORSE

2011 is kicking off it’s list of “Proof that the Universe is Cruel, Uncaring and Has a Grudge Against Me” early and with a bang. Because, you see, Nicole Polizzi, better known as “Snooki” of Jersey Shore fame has published a book.

No, better.


Note that I say “published” and not “written.” Because Snooki didn’t really write this book, it was ghost written by Valerie Frankel, who has written her own novels as well as penned several other books “with” celebrities. And in A Shore Thing, Frankel gets the unenviable task of writing a chick lit novel, set in the Jersey Shore, about Snooki’s own personal Mary Sue character, Gia.

But the fact that she didn’t really WRITE the book hasn’t stopped Snooki from taking this all very seriously. Wait, I’m sorry, I mean it hasn’t stopped NICOLE, as Polizzi has asked people to stop calling her “Snooki.” Guess she should have communicated that better to the people who designed her book cover, huh?

(to be fair to the marketing people: odds are nobody would really know/care who Nicole Polizzi is, but I’m damn sure they can recognize the name “Snooki” no matter how much they may hate themselves for it)

But wait. As I promised, it gets worse.

The book contains a scene where “Gia”‘s best friend, Bella, is almost acquaintance raped.

(A little warning here: it’s possible some of the stuff in this quoted part could be triggering to people. I figure that goes without saying since it’s a passage about date rape, but I just wanted to be sure.)

Oh, yes! As Ed watched, Ben pulled the girl right into the hot tub, in her clothes! She went under the water and sputtered to the surface. Ben didn’t give her a chance to breath. He was all over her, hands everywhere. Once he got a girl in the hot tub, it was over. Done. Ben would pound her for sure, whether she liked it or not.

Whoa, a lot of splashing! This girl was putting up a fight. Most whores would just give in at this point and accept the situation they were in. If she ate the dinner, took the gifts, came home with you, she was obliged to put out. If she changed her mind and didn’t want to? Too bad. Things might get a little rough. She deserved what happened. Whores didn’t respect themselves. So why should Ed and Bender respect them?

If you really feel the need to read the whole scene, Jezebel has provided it for your reading…er…pleasure.

Okay, on one hand, bonus points for including a scene like this and addressing that this does in fact happen and for pointing out how asinine the rationalization for actions like this is. Maybe a little over the top, but sometimes hyperbole is necessary. Though, it does run into the danger of being a “strawman rapist” (IE: a supposed rapist who is so over the top they couldn’t possibly exist, so as long as a guy isn’t acting like THAT he’s not REALLY a rapist…this logic is used all too commonly to excuse shitty behavior in people).

On the other hand, the logic Frankel delivers for the inclusion of this scene? “We wanted the book to have depth.”

Look, Val, can I call you “Val?” Anyway, Val, I’m sure as a writer you know this, but, there are plenty of ways to give a female character depth without resorting to rape, attempted rape or some kind of violence against them. I know it’s hard to realize because it is such a common trope in movies, TV, books and comics. But turning a female character into a rape victim isn’t a guarantee of any kind of depth. Giving her a personality, loves, hates, quirks, thoughts, feelings, etc.? THAT’S what gives them depth.

But then again, what am I expecting? This is a book being marketed as written by SNOOKI. Going into it expecting actual depth is like going into a McDonald’s and being pissed that they don’t serve filet mignon.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go cry over my smattering of notes for the novel I will never finish. Like I do on most Wednesdays. Later.