Jersey Shore Episode 5 Recap: Leaving Las Jersey
In this week’s anthropological study of the tribe of Jersey Shore, suspicions were aroused, truths were uncovered, and the Situation was a total weirdo. Let’s dive right in:
IS VINNIE AN IMPOSTOR?
Over the course of the last few seasons of my research into the tribe, this idea has popped into my head more than a few times. There’s something off about the V in MVP. He’s not your typical guido. Something is…off. He doesn’t work out. He’s not very tan. He doesn’t use hair gel. His clothing does not seem to entail the requisite number of crystal embellishments and embroidered dragons and skulls. And…he’s smart. Examine the following piece of evidence:
1. He knows who Bjork is
Guidos don’t listen to Icelandic alternative electro princesses. Guidos listen to stuff they can fist-pump to. Guidos like DeadMau5, Paul Oakenfold, Tiesto, and maybe the Black Eyed Peas. Guidos like to PUMP UP THE BASS. They think Radiohead is pussy. Guidos do not know who Bjork is. (In all fairness, it was pretty funny. See Exhibit A).
2. He References Shakespeare
When the little Sicilian girl’s uncle comes to get her from the house, Vinnie says “What is this, Romeo and Juliet? The Capulets and the..whatever.” It’s clear that he knows that it’s the Capulets and Montagues, and in fact “Romeo and Juliet” is probably not his favorite work from the Bard (I would peg him as more of a “Twelfth Night” kind of guy) but he cuts himself off just before he reveals that he knows WAY too much about literature to be an actual guido. Guidos read Maxim, Cosmo, and maybe “The Godfather” by Mario Puzo. Reading anything else is pussy. That being said, it should be noted that Snooki is now a New York Times best-selling author.
3. He Has a Deep Understanding of Philosophy
When Sammi (in all her simplistic glory) says to him “This is God telling me to go!” Vinnie chuckles, and serenely replies “No, this is not God. God is not your ego, Sam.” Where else have we heard this sentiment? Oh, I don’t know from a blue dude called Krishna? Or a big fat jolly man that went by the name Buddha? WHO ARE YOU BRO.
I see you Vinnie. I’m on to your game. But I still don’t understand why you’re infiltrating the pack. Are you a modern-day Jane Goodall? Do you work for the government? Or are you in cahoots with the malicious Duck Phone, Pauly D’s Israeli stalker (who is clearly an agent of Mossad) and Roger (no one with skin with that texture can be a good guy)? I don’t know yet, but you do get points for waxing your eyebrows.
RONNIE AND SAMMI
Ronnie and Sammi have forged an unbreakable bond, one that is only further fortified by fights, tears, insults, cheating, questionable bumps and rashes, pain, suffering, and denial. Their whole relationship is built on a foundation of mutually assured destruction, and it won’t be over until they are both hallowed out and empty, depleted of any hope or humanity they once held in their simple guido hearts. While they play out their own version of Leaving Las Jersey, the rest of the tribe can only stand idly by (or in the case of JWOWW, not so idly and with her firsts). Here are some excerpts from some of their exchanges:
After the Club:
Ronnie: “Who did I touch like that?”
Sami (slurring): “You tell me, bro. You’re the one that did it. Good night. YOU did it. Not me. You say you f*kcing love me? You never loved me. You hate me.”
Ronnie: “Right now, yes I do.” (ZINGEROONI!)
Ronnie: “I don’t get a sorry, an apology, nothing, I get a piece of pizza. Not even a protein shake! You bring me a piece of pizza.”*
Sammi: (garbled weeping)
Ronnie: “I hope you have a book for the apology you’re going to have to write me in the morning.”*
*It should be noted than in the guido’s transactional economy, a protein shake is of equal value to an apology but by no means can a pizza serve as a substitute for “I’m sorry.” I’m curious where Cliff Bars fall into this equation.
*The book will be titled: Pride, Pizza, Protein Shakes, and Prejudice (with a foreword by Pauly D).
I think this photo kind of speaks for itself.
“I personally can’t be friends with that girl Jenni. He talked so much shit about her and everything and he goes and bees (be’s?) friends with her? Get the f*ck out of here! That’s the fakest motherf*cker that I’ve ever met in my entire life. That’s fake.”
As we know, in the tribe of the guido, there is absolutely nothing worse than being fake. Your boyfriend cheating and lying sucks, but that’s forgivable. So he goes out and sticks his tongue down random throats then comes home and gets into bed with you, that you can get past. He gave you the clap? It’s a bummer, but we’ll move on. But being fake? That’s tantamount to stealing a wheelchair from a handicapped blind child.
Sammi: “I’m sorry I punched you in the face…You don’t have to accept my apology that’s fine but before I leave here you need to know how I feel. This is my final good-bye to you, so umm…you can say whatever you want.”
Ronnie: (Gets up and walks away).
Sammi “I’ve given you plenty of chances to make things better and you have, can you give me a chance to make things better?”
Ron: (nods). (Pussy).
Fortunately the likelihood of Sammi drinking herself to near-death and Ronnie caressing her face as she says “wow” and nobly dies are pretty slim (as are the chances of her ACTUALLY leaving the show, no matter how bags she packs or “I’m DONE”s she says). So we’ll have more time to watch them slowly implode.
5 THINGS THAT ARE WRONG WITH THE SITUATION
1. His weird fro-hawk/faux-hawk combo
2. He looks at the camera entirely too much.
3. He asks for a condom while Sammi is in bed weeping.
4. His sweatpants
5. His perverse need to stir up drama and fighting in the house ALL THE TIME in conjunction with his questionable tendency to play the “peacekeeper” in fighting matches he pretty much started. He is the George Bush of the Jersey Shore.
This is the Grenade Horn.
Vinnie: “This let’s Seaside know when there are grenades present in the Jersey Shore house.”
Or does it alert the agents of Mossad and the brotherhood of the Duck Phone of happenings in the house? Something to think about…
Until next week, fellow students of humanity.