Jersey Shore Episode 4 Recap: Our Guidettes, Ourselves
This installment of Guidofornication was all about the ladies. From an outsider perspective, these bronzed, bouncy babes are all good times and giant earrings, but inside, they are complex individuals who struggle with issues of idenity, self-actualization, co-dependence, and other words they are unable to define. Let’s take a closer look at the inner lives of the guidettes:
The newest member of the tribe, Deena, is still trying to find her place in the group. Desperate for acceptance, she appeals to the dominant males of the group, Mike, Pauly D, and Vinnie (known collectively as “MVP”) with her good attitude, her independent spirit, and her quick-change sexuality (see exhibits A, B, and C).Exhibit A Exhibit B Exhibit C
But what Deena, like most guidettes, craves most in life is the sweet sting of Cupid’s arrow in her ample behind. She wants to be held in steroid-enhanced arms with biceps the size of bovine thighs. She wants to be told that everything is going to be ok by a man who smells of Drakkar Noir and Muscle Milk.
So when she meets Dean, the Ronnie look-alike at Bamboo, her eyes go googly. Within 3 minutes of meeting (and grinding on) him, she is convinced this is her perfect man (See Exhibit D). And at first, things look promising, and Dean accompanies the guidos home.
DEENA’S PERFECT MAN
Deena pulled out the big guns and the big hat to woo her “perfect man.”
Incidentally, Ronnie knows Dean, because in the guido tribes there are only eight archetypal roles and those that fall into the same category (in this case, short, roided-out cheaters) all know each other and also have a complex secret handshake that involves three parts and a whistle. It is during this interaction that we become privy to the fact that Dean actually has a girlfriend (whose name is also, creepily enough, Sam). Now we have the type of dramatic irony that would make the Bard himself proud.
Deena lures Dean to the tub of hot and proceeds to make her moves. But first, she remembers to ask if he has a girlfriend (good girl). To which Dean replies “Right now? Uhh No, not really. Not at all.” Which doesn’t sound like shady at all (yes it does).
Deena: You sure? You just said “ehhh”
Dean: Ehhh. No. For real. (Seriously?)
Deena: Do you have a girlfriend? You can tell me.
Dean: No. I don’t. Swear to God. (Apparently the cross around his neck is ornamental).
Dean: Listen, I am as single as they come. (FOR GOD’S SAKE DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU DEENA).
And thus Deena is danced down to the dark den of deception by Dean. (See what I did there?). Still, she manages to refrain from giving him the “Golden Ticket” (aka full, unrestricted access to her vajayjay) and thus total tragedy is avoided.
In the morning Sammi, perched at her second favorite place in the house, the mirror, tells Deena about the girlfriend situation. Deena is momentarily shocked (see Exhibit F) but soon regained her composure, and what she said next stunned us all:
Deena: He kissed my *&!$. Sorry girlfriend! I didnt do shit to him. (Cackles).(Exhibit F)
Guidettes: complex individuals indeed.
Fresh out of jail and beat down by prison life, Snooki is forced to take a cold, hard look at her life. And what she sees is a lonely, barren wasteland filled with Aquanet, empty plastic jugs of Vodka, and despair. She has idenitified the things she id addicted to, and is looking to make positive changes (see Exhibit E), but JWOWW has other ideas.
THINGS SNOOKI IS ADDICTED TO:
Snooki seeks guidance from her best friend. Wrapped in a leopard security blanket, she is frank and open about her problems. And Jenni is just as frank with her response:
JWOWW: Do you want me to be blantantly honest? You want to find love, and you’ll try and find it in anyone. And you’ll make guys who aren’t good enough for you, good enough for you. It happens to all of us (Except me).*
*Parenthetical added by author.
Shamed by her recent trip to the slammer, Snooki also expresses a desire to stop drinking. The conversation goes as follows:
JWOWW: But you did last night. Are you really not going to drink though? I’ve heard you say this before. Take it one day at a time. On Thursday night, you want a glass of Pinot? There’s nothing wrong with that.
Snooki: Oh yeah I think Pinot is ok. Pregnant people do it.
At first glance, JWOWW may seem like a bad friend with the worst advice in the world. Or Lindsey Lohan’s AA Sponsor. The truth of the matter is, a sober guido is no guido at all. Tribal custom demands consumption of alcohol, and a guido who doesn’t drink is like a guido who doesn’t tan: pale and boring. Liquor is the nectar tof life that flows through their veins. Like plants without sunlight, guidos without booze wither away, and certainly do not get nationally syndicated television deals and million dollar endorsement deals. JWOWW knows this, and is trying to keep Snooki from becoming lifeless and wan, and from leaving the pack.
Truth be told, Snooki, like Deena, just wants a smush of her own with a giant cocktail. So Jenni, being the wind beneath Snooki’s wings, calls up Roger and orders a guido juicehead gorilla for her.
So JWOWW, to distract Snooki from impending very boring sobriety, finds her a man, inadvertently setting up another rotation of the cycle in which she will try to find love in yet another guy who will eventually reject her and cause her to spiral into another tequila soaked depression. Isn’t it ironic? Dontcha think?
As Snooki puts it, she is trapped by her own (heavily marketed impending spin-off) desire to Snook for Love: “It’s kind of like a disease to Snook for Love. It’s worse than a staph infection. It just keeps eating at you and eating at you.” Actually Staph Infections produce a series of infected boils and abcesses on the skin. So really you just likened your love life to necrotizing fasciitis, Snooks.
Oh Jenni. How difficult is must be to be you. You are the sturdy rock in the center of a crumbling avalanche. You are the harbor in the storm. You are the oracle of wisdom when your girls need guidance. You are the one who picks up Snooki off the bathroom floor, wipes the vomit off her chin, smoothes her pouf, and tucks her into bed. But who takes care of YOU, Jenni? Who supports you in your times of need? Who is carrying YOU when there is only one set of footprints in the sand? Not Tom, your worthless boyfriend, that’s for sure. In this episode, Jenni shows us that beneath the imposing demeaor and many layers of silicon, there is a vulnerable young flower who is wilting from lack of attention.
Jenni has become a slave to the malicious Duck Phone,running whenever it quacks and inevitably throws her emotions into turmoil. Oh cruel, cruel Duck Phone. It’s always “Why didn’t you call? Where is my girlfriend? Why did you forget our anniversary?” Tom’s tempermental nature and irrational phone call schedule thrust Jenni into the giant, beefy arms of another man:
Mickey Rourke! JK! It’s Roger, the Gorilla Juice Head with the heart of gold. He makes Jenni feel good. He reminds her there is joy in this world. He allows her to let her hair down. He painstakingly grooms his facial hair. He is the answer to her problems.
But first there is the matter of Tom. When he (and the Duck Phone’s mocking red eyes) become too much to bear, she erupts into a fit of emotion and rage, breaking free from the chains of Tom. Tom, however, is not exactly what we call a “good sport.”
When Jenni learns Tom is moving out without warning, leaving her precious dogs in harm’s way, she rushes to her surprisingly normal looking New Jersey condo to rescue them. This is where she realizes that not only is Tom an emotional bully, he is a thief as well. He has absconded with her watch, her hard drive (I smell naked photos), and all the money in her PayPal account.
I want to tell Jenni that it’s going to be ok. I want to pet her head and explain that there are things called “legal injuctions” and that she will make more money this year than Tom will make in ten (especially considering he was just fired from his job as JWOWW’s manager) and to wipe the tears from her neck because they look really gross.
But this is yet another battle JWOWW has to fight alone.