Jersey Shore Episode 3 Recap: Redemption, Relationships, and Rock Bottom
In this episode, we were given a special opportunity to become educated on the tribe’s shared cultural views on a variety of topics. Let’s break it down.
At this point in time, (most likely coinciding with her first viewing of the actual Jersey Shore: Miami episodes in which she is essentially made to look like the stupidest girl on the face of the planet), Sammi suddenly begins to question her misguided trust for Ronnie. Feeling the cold caress of social isolation on her heavily Wet n’ Wild bronzered cheek, she starts heading down the long, windy road to redemption.
First, she apologizes in a completely rehearsed, non-sincere, somehow-still-bitchy way to Snooki in the employee closet at the t-shirt shack. Snooki, who has undoubtedly been chugging lefotever Triple Sec mixed with Grape Welch’s soda and anti-freeze since 11am, whole-heartedly accepts her apology. Pauly has the misfortune of being trapped in this closet of pretense (See below). When the camera panned away, Sammi’s eyes glimmered a deep red and a silent smirk danced across her face. Then she played with her hair for twenty minutes.
Sammi also managed to gain Deena’s forgiveness and friendship, which wasn’t too hard since Deena’s desperate need for love and acceptance is emblazoned on billboards across the Tri-State area. More on this later.
Opinions about relationships are varied throughout the tribe. The guidos approach relationships from a place where logic and reason have no residence (much like most other tribes on Earth).
Sammi, for example, approached Ronnie about her (about six month late) mistrust by using her trademark “confuse and bewilder” strategy. Just tell me, because I know. But tell me. But I already know. But you better tell me now. And so on. Which prompted Ronnie to say “I need a mind condom, because I’m being mind-f*cked right now.” Such is the game the guidette plays.
JWOWW, much like Homie, doesn’t play that. Her approach is more carnal, more animalistic, more masculine. For example, after she forgot her anniversary and was greeted by this sentiment when she called her boyfriend, she simple told him “Call me when you’re not a d*ck, k bye” and hung up.
The Situation may be the most complex of all the individuals in the house. He lives his life balancing a very tenuous sense of self (am I more than the sum of my abs?) against social convention and expectations (I’m THE SITUATION people!). He’s not looking for love. He’s looking for a girl who is DTF (and more importantly DTL, down to leave), as long as this girl doesn’t live in his house (see: Deena). When he finds himself in a situation with that situation, he does the only thing he knows how to do: creates an another situation so he can get out of his current situation and situates himself in the kitchen where he can say his mantra of the word “situation” a few more times in rapid succession.
Deena “How many girls have you slept with?”
Mike: “Sometimes the only way to shut up a girl is to, you know…”
Mike “I invented the kitchen ditch because to get out of the situation I was in I had to ditch, and go straight to the kitchen.” Moments of brilliance abound.
In this episode we watch Snooki’s swift and sad decent from “good time girl” into “convincted felon alcoholic”. It starts out innocently enough, with normal wacky Snooki antics.
Snooki: “I’m going to eat this potato.”
Deena: “By itself?”
Snooki “Say you’re in a corn field and you need to eat it. It’s not bad.”
While this exchange is met with amusement and giggles all around, in the hard light of the confession room, JWOWW shares “I can’t remember the last time I seen Nicole sober.” We watch as Snooki begins to throw herself at men. Namely, Vinnie.
Vinnie “She’s begging for Sea Biscuit. Like literally begging…I’m ready to go, but that’s when I kinda start smelling the alcohol…”
And thus Snooki, fluffy white slippers and all, is unceremoniously kicked out of Sea Biscuit’s bed. She complains to Jenni at the altar of confession:
Jenni: “He cares about you, that’s why.” Snooki: “Stop caring and f*ck me, man.” Oh, Snooki. Where is the self-worth? Where is the self-esteem? Where is the self-tanner? (oh wait, that one you definitely have).
After a particularly libatious night at Karma, Snooki wakes up with a massive hangover and in order to shield herself from the harsh New Jersey summertime elements, she wears this protective ensemble to work.
The rest of the devolution can easily be told in photos:
In the work closet.
“To smushing tonight!”
“You went to get a ‘COFFEE’ and you got a Long Island.”
“Right from work, I went to the bar.”
“Old people, they lose their sex life. That’s not a fun time.”
“My vagina’s out.”
“Where’s the beach?”
“This 4’9″ girl is like a 3000 lb man.”
“Ew get the f*ck off my arm.”
“I’m a f*cking good person!”
“You guys are no fun.”
“What is it called drunk and indecency? Drunken…intoxication in the public? Drunken public intoxication? Hi Mr. Polizzi, it’s JWOWW…”