Jersey Shore Episode 1 Recap: A New Member Enters The Tribe
Before you start rolling your eyes and sitting up tall on your high horses, let me say that I understand that Jersey Shore is not for everyone. It ‘s a show about a bunch of designer-imposter-perfume-wearing Ed-Hardy-swaddled alocholic techno-tronic loons. But for me it’s also an exercise in anthropology. All our cultural sects are tribes of sorts, and upon examination, all these tribes tend to follow the same patterns and exhibit the same structures as other tribes. There are roles and personality types on this show that, once you remove the bedazzled flame and skull t-shirts and spray-on tans, are very much like you and I. (Plus, I adore them). And with that, on to the moment I have been waiting for since last year, the premiere of Season 3 of Jersey Shore.
Much like the opening episodes of Seasons 1 and 2, this show began with each of the cast members packing up their belongings (interestingly enough, they all still live with their parents) and piling into their cars to head to the shore. The cars, however, have changed. Their sputtering Honda Civics filled with empty Red Bull cans and dislocated rhinestones have been traded in for shiny new BMWs (thanks MTV!), with the exception of Pauly D’s Caddy, which still matches his gigantic Cadillac tattoo (swoon). The tribe is advancing. (It should also be noted that Snookie’s car features a customized Ed Hardy steering wheel cover).
It is also in this segment that we are introduced to Deena, Snooki’s best friend and the newest cast-member of the Jersey Shore (brought in to replace that yeast infection of a woman Angelina). Deena is by all (self-procalimed) accounts, “a good time.” Within her first few minutes on screen she indicates that she a) is interested in mating and b) enjoys cherry-flavored vodka. She tells us “I’m nervous, I’m excited, and I just can’t wait to blow the f*cking speakers off this house.” I don’t know what that means exactly, but I really hope it involves ripping out the extensions Sammi thinks none of us know she has.
It’s not long, however, before Sammi and Ronnie take their roles as the ruiners of everything. Arriving first at the house, they immediately claim the much-coveted three person upstairs room, because that makes perfect sense and won’t doom one person to a personal hell of listening to Sammi whine to Ronnie about how everyone hates her and how her hair is possibly TOO perfect and how her face is cramping from maintaining that hateful look of misplaced hubris. POSSIBLE FAVORITE MOMENT: When JWOWW arrives next, walks upstairs, takes one look at Sammi’s sour milk smirk, and lets out a loud groan-sigh mixture and walks away. (It should also be noted that JWOWW is my spirit animal). Incidentally, the tribe member with the terrible misfortune to arrive at the house last and thus be tossed in with steroid-face and stick-up-ass is The Situation.
And because I’m starting to meander, I will make the rest of this recap brief and organized. The following things happened:
1. Deena got wasted on cherry vodka and showed her “na-na” to The Situation, who, inexplicably, did not have sex with her. She did however achieve her goal of demonstrating her supreme prowess in getting completely wasted whilst simultaneously getting naked and starting a house brawl. (More on this later).
2. Snooki got angry with Vinnie (whom she had realtions with in Miami last season) for having relations with her bestie Ryder, and then promptly tried to have relations with him again, because in this tribe nothing serves as a better aphrodisiac than guidette tears when co-mingled with bronzer and hot tub water. (Inxeplicably, he did not have sex with her).
3. Deena followed the supreme politician of the tribe, Mike, also known by his spirit name of “He Who Uses The Word Situation In Too Many Situations”, into his bedroom, shared by none other than Ronnie and Sammi Sweetheart. As she deftly performs her mating rituals (swaying from side to side, slurring sweet nothings into Mike’s ear) Sammi displays the tribal sign of war by boldly fake-laughing at Deena’s overtures. Needless to say, this is not received well and after…
4. Deena is overheard slanging epithets not fit to print in the kitchen, Ronnie roid-rages into the room, waving his beefed up gorilla arms and intimidating the new girl with his angry word-like noises. Sammi follows, and Ronnie quickly leaves the stage to her, so she is free to call upon the power of the words “fake” and “whorebag” and the athletic waving of her arm to make her points. At some point, Sammi turns on Snooki, at which point the protector of the coalition, JWOWW, taker her role as enforcer and punches Sammi in the face. (At which point hearts across America brimmed over with joy).
5. Pauly D watches and makes amusing faces.
So what have we learned from this installment of tribal life? While our beloved subjects have grown in many ways (new cars, various new endorsements, the ridding of unseemly skunk striped hair) they are still very much the same. Everbody is still orange. Capri pants and dragon t-shirts are still a thing. The tribe is still imbued with jealousy, anger, unrequited love, and vodka. And Sammi is still a total bitch.
Until next week…