Happy Birthday Britney Spears! Gifts For The Woman With Everything

Britney Spears turns 29 years old today. You wouldn’t know it though, because she radiates an eternal youthfulness that only her dirty pop money can buy. I’m not hating but I am totally jealous. Well, not really but hey, this isn’t about me.

Since it’s Brit Brit’s B Day, I thought I would compile a list of things that I would like to get her for her birthday. She already has everything, and probably two of everything. I’ll be brief and keep things simple.

Remember when Britney went “crazy” and cut off all her hair? THAT WAS AWESOME. Crazy people are more fun, am I right? I think I heard that someone purchased her golden locks of discarded tangles and sold them for like, more money than I’m worth. Or maybe they wove it into a sweater vest the likes of which Tiffany would be jealous.

THE EVOLUTION OF BRITNEY SPEARS

I think Britney needs a Snuggie. You know, because her life is probably stressful. She has no privacy, she has to tell the nanny how to take care of her children, and I’m pretty sure lipsyncing around the globe takes its toll. Gurlfriend just needs to chill sometime.

As we all know, Britney is a ~ * D A N C E R * ~ What better gift to give than a foot massager? She probably has one of these though –

No, that isn’t a horse. Britney doesn’t have a horse to massage her aching body. I am using this photo of Fabio to illustrate a point. Britney probably has some man hunk to massage her at her beck and call. She can buy ANYONE.

Britney needs some clever disguises. Never again will she spotted by the scourge of the world that is the paparazzi when she leaves her house. If she wore this and went out the servants entrance of her abode, the paparazzi would be none the wiser.

I mean, WTF is this mess?

Lastly, I think she just really needs one of these:

A HUG.

Maybe she just needs to be told that everything will be ok. She probably doesn’t need a hug though or any of these things because she has all of these:

She has all the money. She doesn’t need anything from me, ever. But anyway, Happy Birthday Britney Spears! May you ride the wave of your popularity like the tsunami it is and take it for all its worth. We look forward to your next album release and next crazy flip out. HBD! Have some cake!

Britney’s new album drops in March for all you BritBrit fans