The Definitive Spoiler Guide for ‘Mark Reads’
This has gotten out of hand.
If you’ve noticed, I’ve stopped replying to comments or leaving many at all. I can’t go into the comments of my own blog anymore. The spoiling is at an all-time high; it had been curbed momentarily a couple books ago, but I think the influx of new readers from Mugglenet skewed things back to how bad it used to get. (FYI, I am not blaming Mugglenet at all I LOVE YOU GUYS DEARLY.)
It sucks. Anyone who’s been here since the beginning can attest to the fact that I routinely commented between 25-50 times for every review, and now I’m lucky if I can put a single comment in anymore.
So it’s time to enact a spoiler policy for Harry Potter and the future of the Mark Reads series.
WHAT COUNTS AS A SPOILER
1) Stating something that happens in the future.
EX: “Mark, Sirius dies in book five! Don’t get too attached to him!”
Effect: You git, you just ruined everything and I hope you never have another happy moment for the rest of your life.
2) Hinting that something happens in the future.
EX: “Mark, I can’t wait until you get to that part in the Department of Mysteries! It made my brain explode!
EX: “Oh man, Mark, there is a scene in Godric’s Hollow! Just wait!”
Effect: You’ve just removed the element of surprise. May all of your future relationships end with spontaneous combustion.
3) Telling me a specific moment is important.
EX: (And this actually happened) “Oh Mark, I can’t wait until you get to chapter 5 in Prisoner of Azkaban. Shit gets so real!”
Effect: Again, ruined the element of surprise. I hope you get nothing but coal for Christmas this year. Oh, and Santa Claus ended up to be real, so tough luck, asshole.
4) Defending your favorite character because they were redeemed in the end. (The inverse is true, as well as defending moments or arguing about specific scenes.)
EX: “Mark, please don’t be so hard on Aunt Petunia. She gets better!”
EX: “I wish you weren’t so harsh on Xenophilius Lovegood. I swear, he doesn’t end up being an asshole.”
EX: “I didn’t like Half-Blood Prince because the end was so depressing.”
Effect: You’ve both biased my opinions on a certain character/moment/book AND removed the element of surprise. You will have a major relationship end on Christmas AND get nothing but coal.
5) Telling me the “answer” is in a past book.
EX: “Mark, GO LOOK WHAT DUMBLEDORE SAID ON PAGE 87 IN BOOK 4!!!!!!”
Effect: Half the experience of reading/watching anything that is this dense is seeing what I pick up on and which details I pass over. You are essentially taking away a moment of epiphany/surprise. This is even more crucial for the Harry Potter series, since Rowling uses minute details from the past books to bludgeon us with mindfuckery.
I hope your underpants turn into bedbugs.
6) Saying, hinting at, discussing, referring to, or ambiguously cluing me in to anything I have not read yet.
Here’s a great guide to determine if what you’re about to say is a spoiler. Have I read about it yet? THEN SHUT YOUR TRAP AND DON’T POST ABOUT IT. THE. END.
We will have specific spoilers for specific series. I’m going to ask you guys to refrain from posting images from the Deathly Hallows movies for the time being because there are also people who just want to see the movie without any hint towards what is in it.
Let us now discuss the ~consequences~ of such a travesty if you do decide to post a spoiler here on my blog.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU SPOIL
1) Public humiliation.
It’s really my favorite thing. And it will happen and you will get butthurt by people calling you out. So the theme of this section: Deal with it.
Deal with it. You were rude enough to post a spoiler because you didn’t have the entire rest of the Internet to talk about something I hadn’t read yet OH WAIT YOU HAVE THE ENTIRE FUCKING INTERNET TO TALK ABOUT CHARACTER DEATHS.
Deal with it.
2) Warning/scolding from me.
I don’t mean to suggest that my opinion is more important than yours, that my views trump anyone else, or that I’m some sort of monarch around here. I am not and that’s not how I work. But it will not be in your best interest to piss me off or spoil me because my MANGER is a very special kind of manger and I like to reserve it for shitty authors and Dolores Umbridge.
Deal with it.
3) Comment suspension
That’s right. I’ll flat-out prevent you from even leaving a comment if you do this more than once or your spoiler is particularly bad.
Deal with it.
4) I swing the banhammer.
Surprisingly, I’ve only had to do this ONCE. (Anyone remember that troll who constantly complained that no one cared about my problems and that I should just stick to reviewing?)
I don’t like to resort to banning, but I’ll do it if you’re that pervasive. And look…I’ve made a career out of banning people, so don’t think I might be reluctant to do so or that I’ll get sad that I lost a reader. Because I won’t! In fact, I’ll probably sleep like a baby knowing I ruined your day. I AM EVIL.
Deal with it.
As we move forth with Deathly Hallows and on to series in the future, please keep these in mind. If I’ve missed a form of spoilering, please let me know so I can amend this.
DEAL WITH IT.
