Mark Theorizes About The Future of ‘Harry Potter’: Part 3

I’m hoping to have a little fun with this because…wow, this is weird to do. No more books after this one. 🙁

Anyway, let’s start with my predictions for Half-Blood Prince:

• Aunt Petunia will apologize to Harry for the way she has treated him. Nope, not close. Though Dumbledore did call the Dursleys out for their shittery.
• We will see Harry return to the Burrow. BINGO. I AM A GENIUS.
• We will see the first Voldemort-related death of a Muggle before the halfway point of the book. So, when I typed this, I meant the first Muggle death since he returned and Bryce was before that. Regardless, we learn of the first Muggle death by Voldemort’s forces in the first chapter. Actually, a whole bunch of them.
• Harry will…uh…find a new girlfriend? I don’t know, I’m not feeling the Harry/Cho shipping. WOW I CANNOT BELIEVE I WAS RIGHT.
• RON AND HERMIONE WILL HOLD HANDS. God, GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY. ABOUT FUCKING TIME.
• Lupin will do his best to step into the role that Sirius left behind. I don’t know if this counts at all. Lupin wasn’t in the narrative as much as I thought, so I’ll say no.
• Ok, let’s get into some real shit: Bellatrix is gonna WRECK SKULLS in this book. Was she even mentioned in the book? STRIKE ONE.
• Snape and Harry will have a conversation about the end of the Occlumency lessons. Hmmmm, this is a hard one. At the end of Half-Blood Prince, Snape makes a reference to Harry performing poorly at Occlumency, but…you know, this will be STRIKE TWO because they never spoke about the END of those lessons.
• Voldemort will appear in person in the book before the halfway point. Wow, he didn’t show up once. That is part of the reason the end of HBP caught me by surprise. I expected Voldemort to fight Harry at the end.
• We will see Karkaroff again…as a Death Eater. HEY I CAN RECYCLE PREDICTIONS. OOPS, HE’S DEAD.
• The Half-Blood Prince is….a new character we have not been introduced to. COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG. Oh god. 🙁
• Harry will see some manifestation of his parents again. Wait..did he? I don’t think so.
• MORE LUNA LOVEGOOD. Only because…WHY NOT. FUCK YES.
• I think we will learn why Dumbledore trusts Snape so much in this book. I AM STILL NOT GOING TO ACCEPT WHAT WAS SAID IN THIS BOOK AS THE ANSWER.
• The next Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will not be FUCKING EVIL. SLUGHORN!!!! (For the record, I am leaving this here to show how absolutely bonkers my brain is. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I JUST FUCKING READ THIS BOOK, WHY DID I THINK SLUGHORN TAUGHT DADA?)
• Umbridge will come back in some form, but only briefly. At Dumbledore’s funeral? Fuck you, you worthless asshole.
• And for my big prediction: The number of people in the Order of the Phoenix will be cut in half by the last page. Nope, but can I count Dumbledore as like…40 people? Oh god it is too soon.

So let’s move on to the future.

I’m going to start with the seven questions that Scholastic used before Deathly Hallows because it helped me to figure out a focus to start off with.

• 1) Who will live? Who will die?

Can I just list deaths instead, assuming those not on the list are still alive? Here’s who I think dies in Deathly Hallows:

Remus Lupin (It hurts to type that)Mr. WeasleyBellatrixLucius MalfoyVoldemortNeville’s grandmotherMadame Maxime

• 2) Is Snape good or evil?

That’s an unfair, loaded question because I don’t think he’s either. But for the sake of this, I’ll say he falls far more to the side of evil.

• 3) Will Hogwarts reopen?

Yes. But Ron, Hermione, and Harry won’t go to school for their seventh year. ADVENTURE TIME!

• 4) Who ends up with whom?

I assume this is a shipping question. Here goes:

Ron/HermioneHarry/GinnyBill/FleurNeville/LunaCho/Justin Finch-FletchlyMalfoy/ParkinsonTonks/LupinHagrid/Madame Maxime

• 5) Where are the Horcruxes?

Fuck. I have no idea at all. I have no idea what the other ones might even be. So I’m going to give this two guesses because I can: They are either in separate schools or they are each hidden in a different House inside Hogwarts.

• 6) Will Voldemort be defeated?

Duh. Yes. Obviously. The key to the excitement is…how?

• 7) What are the Deathly Hallows?

I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. It’s hell. I’M WRONG. No, but it’s something like that. That’s my guess. It’s some place misplaced souls go to. WHAT IS THIS SHIT, AM I REALLY A GOTH.

Ok, let’s get to some specific prediction to close out this series. Again, this is all for the sake of entertainment and so I can think about this series. I am obviously not going to spend two years doing this and I am not going to turn into a rabid psychopath involved in absurd shipping wars, as I’ve heard happened. And a lot more. And apparently there’s a blog chronicling all the evidence that absolutely proves Dumbledore is alive.

Oh boy.

Anyway, I’ve never spent much time between books and I’ll post the first review of DH on Friday, October 1. We’re doing one post per day, so I can savor this book, and we’ll do the liveblog for Half-Blood Prince on November 7th. I’m thinking of doing the Harry Potter movie-a-thon on November 13th; we’ll start at 8am PST and run through all six movies, back to back. (I’ll obviously post a schedule ahead of time so that we have breaks between movies and so you could join in at any time.)

SO. ONWARDS TO PREDICTING:

• I think Rita Skeeter is going to break her agreement with Hermione.
• We will see Gilderoy Lockhart again.
• I don’t know how, and it has to happen, but I think Sirius Black will come back in some form.
• Lupin will be killed by Bellatrix.
• Ron and Hermione will be a steady couple throughout the book, meaning they will not break up once.
• Harry will get back together with Ginny, but only after defeating Voldemort.
• I was wrong last time, but Aunt Petunia will apologize to Harry for the way she treated him. And she’ll do it in front of Hermione and Ron.
• Neville will kill someone.
• Luna Lovegood will take over The Quibbler by the end of the novel.
• We will learn (FINALLY) why Dumbledore trusted Snape so much; it will not help us determine if Snape is good or bad, though.
• We will learn of a new hidden room inside Hogwarts.
• Harry will have a VERY public fight with Scrimgeour about the Ministry of Magic.
• There will be time travel in this book. (COME ON, A BOY CAN WISH.)
• A child will be born by the end of the book. Bonus points if it belongs to Bill and Fleur.
• Percy will get his comeuppance.
• Dolores Umbridge will finally get eaten alive by Mother Earth. No, seriously, I just want her to suffer fairly badly.
• Let’s get to the real shit. Draco Malfoy will stop being a Death Eater by the end of the novel.
• Voldemort will be killed by Harry, but only after Harry “dies” first. I DON’T KNOW, THAT SEEMS LIKE SOMETHING THAT WOULD HAPPEN.
• Hagrid and Madame Maxime will get married.
• There won’t be a single Quidditch match in the book.
• And for my total and complete wild card: 39 people will be seriously injured by the end of the novel.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I am not going to read comments because every time, y’all are massive bags of insensitivity and you post spoilers. I WILL, HOWEVER, read your comment if you can link me to INSANE AND HILARIOUS THEORIES that people had during the break between HBP and DH. They have to be WILDLY INACCURATE and OBVIOUSLY COULD NEVER COME TRUE. You will see why.

Thanks!