Mark Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’: Chapter 35

In the thirty-fifth chapter of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, we reach the first point in the book where we (by “we,” I mean “me”) doesn’t want to read any further. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to read Harry Potter.


This is not a typical AIM review, so please keep reading past the end of the conversation.

10:07:24 AM Chrstofthemoment: ok

10:07:25 AM Chrstofthemoment: reading

10:07:26 AM Chrstofthemoment: now

10:07:39 AM Chrstofthemoment: …………………………………………………..

10:07:41 AM Chrstofthemoment: kasper

10:07:43 AM Chrstofthemoment: lucius

10:07:43 AM browncorduroy: yeah

10:07:44 AM browncorduroy: yeah

10:07:46 AM browncorduroy: lucius

10:07:48 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god death eaters

10:07:51 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god my head

10:07:55 AM browncorduroy: oh god i know right

10:07:58 AM browncorduroy: oh god whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

10:08:08 AM browncorduroy: whyyyyy is this book the most tragic thing of all time whhhyyyyyy

10:08:28 AM Chrstofthemoment: what the fuck

10:08:30 AM Chrstofthemoment: what the fuck is this

10:08:35 AM Chrstofthemoment: they can read his thoughts

10:08:36 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH

10:08:38 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD

10:08:39 AM Chrstofthemoment: OCCLUMENCY

10:08:42 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH HOLY SHIT

10:08:45 AM browncorduroy: omg bellatrix why are you so evil


10:08:45 AM browncorduroy: YEAH


10:08:49 AM browncorduroy: kjaHFJIOEWLKSHDFAS

10:10:04 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD

10:10:05 AM Chrstofthemoment: HARRY

10:10:09 AM Chrstofthemoment: IS TROLLING BELLATRIX

10:10:13 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh my fucking good

10:10:14 AM browncorduroy: YEAH

10:10:15 AM browncorduroy: YEAH

10:10:41 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god


10:10:59 AM browncorduroy: i love that scene so much

10:11:36 AM Chrstofthemoment: what the fuck is happening kasper

10:11:42 AM Chrstofthemoment: why are there spirits in the orbs

10:11:50 AM Chrstofthemoment: and harry’s scar has to do with this room???

10:11:50 AM browncorduroy: prophecies

10:12:10 AM browncorduroy: IT’S ALL JUST FUCKED UP

10:12:27 AM Chrstofthemoment: wait what the fuck

10:12:39 AM Chrstofthemoment: i thought we knew why Voldemort tried to kill Harry?

10:12:42 AM Chrstofthemoment: what the fuck is this

10:12:45 AM Chrstofthemoment: what the fuck is going on

10:12:59 AM browncorduroy: this is some serious fucked up magical shit

10:13:03 AM browncorduroy: that’s what’s going on

10:13:56 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD!!!!

10:13:58 AM Chrstofthemoment: REDUCTO!!!!

10:14:00 AM Chrstofthemoment: HOLY SHIT!

10:14:03 AM Chrstofthemoment: THEY ARE RUNNING

10:14:07 AM Chrstofthemoment: HARRY JUST GOT PUNCHED IN THE FACE?

10:14:19 AM browncorduroy: YEAH

10:14:29 AM browncorduroy: YEAH THIS WHOLE CHAPTER IS INSANE

10:14:32 AM browncorduroy: WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING

10:14:51 AM Chrstofthemoment: wht thasdklfjsa

10:14:52 AM Chrstofthemoment: ahtjasdfsdf

10:15:41 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY FUCKING GOD

10:15:46 AM Chrstofthemoment: THEY ALMOST KILLED HERMIONE

10:15:51 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD NEVILLE~!!@13@#1@#!@#

10:15:51 AM browncorduroy: YEAH

10:16:44 AM browncorduroy: THE BELL JAR (LOL SYLVIA PLATH)

10:16:54 AM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT

10:16:55 AM Chrstofthemoment: THE

10:16:56 AM Chrstofthemoment: FUCK

10:16:59 AM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUCK

10:17:28 AM Chrstofthemoment: “You can’t hurt a baby!”

10:17:33 AM browncorduroy: hjaskdhawjdhqwkjadhgasgdas

10:17:34 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD HERMIONE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

10:17:41 AM browncorduroy: I KNOW SHE IS THE BEST

10:18:16 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH NO

10:18:17 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH NO

10:18:18 AM Chrstofthemoment: HERMIONE

10:18:20 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD

10:18:21 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD

10:18:45 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD NEVILLE’S WAND

10:18:47 AM Chrstofthemoment: 🙁

10:19:04 AM browncorduroy: SDJKFHSA

10:19:05 AM browncorduroy: I KNOW


10:20:13 AM Chrstofthemoment: this is insane

10:22:22 AM Chrstofthemoment: h adsflasdf;lkjadkls;f

10:22:25 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god ron

10:22:28 AM Chrstofthemoment: WE SAW URANUS

10:22:31 AM browncorduroy: dsajkfhjsakdhaas

10:22:33 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh god bless his heart

10:22:34 AM browncorduroy: HE IS THE BEST

10:24:57 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD

10:25:00 AM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT IS RON DOING!!!!

10:25:02 AM Chrstofthemoment: WHAT THE FUC

10:25:04 AM Chrstofthemoment: SAJDKFLJD;LJKASDF

10:25:15 AM browncorduroy: HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE’S DOING


10:25:47 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD

10:25:49 AM Chrstofthemoment: GINNY

10:25:51 AM Chrstofthemoment: 🙁

10:26:23 AM browncorduroy: ;(

10:26:27 AM browncorduroy: sdjlfhjesfhjsdhfsdjfhdsjdshfjdskhjdksfhew

10:27:10 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH GOD

10:27:12 AM Chrstofthemoment: THIS IS FUCKED UP

10:27:23 AM Chrstofthemoment: he is falling into the pit with the veil

10:27:26 AM Chrstofthemoment: this is horrible

10:27:32 AM Chrstofthemoment: where are the Death Eaters coming from

10:27:33 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god

10:27:41 AM browncorduroy: sdjfhsa yeah

10:27:42 AM browncorduroy: yeah

10:27:43 AM browncorduroy: eyharhesfi

10:28:19 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god

10:28:21 AM Chrstofthemoment: neville

10:28:23 AM Chrstofthemoment: i’m going to cry

10:28:27 AM Chrstofthemoment: they are torturing him

10:28:31 AM Chrstofthemoment: this is the worst thing ever

10:28:39 AM Chrstofthemoment: because even if Harry finds a way out of this

10:28:42 AM Chrstofthemoment: all his friends are hurt

10:28:42 AM browncorduroy: yeah

10:28:44 AM Chrstofthemoment: all of them

10:28:44 AM browncorduroy: yeah

10:28:46 AM browncorduroy: ;(;(;(

10:28:47 AM Chrstofthemoment: this is the worst thing ever

10:28:51 AM browncorduroy: worst thing of all time

10:28:54 AM browncorduroy: just

10:29:11 AM browncorduroy: forever

10:29:51 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god

10:29:55 AM Chrstofthemoment: Moody

10:30:10 AM browncorduroy: 🙁

10:31:53 AM browncorduroy: where are you up to now oh god

10:31:54 AM browncorduroy: asdfjashdfajsd

10:31:55 AM Chrstofthemoment: this is so fucked up

10:31:57 AM browncorduroy: yeah

10:32:10 AM browncorduroy: just

10:32:12 AM browncorduroy: the worst

10:32:26 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god

10:32:32 AM Chrstofthemoment: THE PROPHECY WAS SHATTERED

10:32:33 AM Chrstofthemoment: OH MY GOD


10:32:55 AM browncorduroy: WHERE IS YOUR DARK LORD NOW

10:32:57 AM browncorduroy: aileruhqwekrhouadhs

10:33:13 AM Chrstofthemoment: sirius!!!!!

10:33:15 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god

10:33:24 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god

10:33:35 AM browncorduroy: eyah

10:33:36 AM browncorduroy: yeah

10:34:26 AM Chrstofthemoment: hjsdlllfsdkjfsdalkjfasldkfjasdlfjkasd

10:34:28 AM Chrstofthemoment: kasper

10:34:31 AM Chrstofthemoment: i have tears in my eyes

10:34:34 AM Chrstofthemoment: i’m going to die

10:34:42 AM browncorduroy: oh god

10:34:44 AM browncorduroy: did you get to the end yet

10:34:45 AM browncorduroy: oh god

10:34:46 AM browncorduroy: sdfjksdhfas

10:34:57 AM browncorduroy: if you didn’t have tears in your eyes you probably would not have a soul

10:34:57 AM browncorduroy: sdfjpwiejhsdfs

10:35:50 AM Chrstofthemoment: i just want you to know

10:35:56 AM Chrstofthemoment: i just fell on the floor and started sobbing

10:36:03 AM Chrstofthemoment: this is the worst thing of all time

10:36:05 AM Chrstofthemoment: of all time

10:36:05 AM browncorduroy: oh god

10:36:05 AM Chrstofthemoment: ever

10:36:07 AM browncorduroy: 🙁

10:36:08 AM browncorduroy: it is

10:36:09 AM Chrstofthemoment: like

10:36:11 AM Chrstofthemoment: kasper

10:36:16 AM Chrstofthemoment: i don’t want to read anymore

10:36:18 AM browncorduroy: so completely fucking devastating

10:36:19 AM browncorduroy: sdhjfhdsfhsd

10:36:23 AM Chrstofthemoment: because this is even worse than Cedric

10:36:23 AM browncorduroy: yeah i do not blame you

10:36:25 AM browncorduroy: sdfdsjfhdsf

10:36:26 AM browncorduroy: yeah

10:36:26 AM browncorduroy: yeah

10:36:28 AM browncorduroy: it is

10:36:29 AM browncorduroy: because

10:36:32 AM browncorduroy: sirius

10:36:33 AM browncorduroy: sdhfjdhsfdsfds

10:36:34 AM Chrstofthemoment: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS ROWLING


10:36:47 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god

10:36:51 AM Chrstofthemoment: the fucking tragedy kasper

10:37:04 AM Chrstofthemoment: that is the worst thing that has ever happened ever ever ever ever

10:37:13 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh my god i am still crying

10:37:25 AM browncorduroy: oh god i know

10:37:34 AM browncorduroy: the closest thing harry ever had to a parent andfkjehfewioudfhjklewilhskdfgjcvo4iulersghpw340otuhijlrsbdfknvc

10:37:36 AM Chrstofthemoment: ;(

10:37:38 AM Chrstofthemoment: YEAH

10:37:42 AM Chrstofthemoment: HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD

10:37:45 AM Chrstofthemoment: HE GETS ANOTHER ONE

10:37:49 AM Chrstofthemoment: KILLED IN FRONT OF HIM

10:37:51 AM browncorduroy: oh god do you even realise how much it pains me that i can’t hug you right now

10:38:02 AM browncorduroy: because I KNEW WHAT WAS COMING AND YOU DIDN’T AND OH GOD

10:38:03 AM browncorduroy: oh god

10:38:04 AM browncorduroy: i know

10:38:05 AM browncorduroy: sdhfjkdshfdsf

10:38:07 AM browncorduroy: whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

10:38:16 AM browncorduroy: it’s just so fucking horrible

10:38:16 AM browncorduroy: like

10:38:22 AM browncorduroy: it’s so awful

10:38:24 AM browncorduroy: the worst

10:38:32 AM Chrstofthemoment: literally the worst

10:40:23 AM Chrstofthemoment: jesus christ

10:40:25 AM Chrstofthemoment: i am destroyed

10:41:11 AM browncorduroy: yeah

10:41:12 AM browncorduroy: yeah

10:41:15 AM browncorduroy: i knew you would be

10:41:18 AM Chrstofthemoment: ugh

10:41:26 AM Chrstofthemoment: i loved Sirius so much

10:41:30 AM browncorduroy: like i legit feel awful for you right now

10:42:08 AM browncorduroy: i just want you to know

10:42:23 AM browncorduroy: that i had to IM my friend anwen just to tell her how awful i felt about the fact that you were about to read that

10:42:31 AM browncorduroy: oh god it’s like an endless chain of misery

10:42:45 AM Chrstofthemoment: 🙁

10:42:46 AM Chrstofthemoment: UGH

10:42:52 AM Chrstofthemoment: well AT LEAST I HAVE STOPPED CRYING

10:43:02 AM browncorduroy: OK THAT IS GOOD

10:43:05 AM browncorduroy: ILU FYI

10:43:28 AM Chrstofthemoment: thank you SIR

10:43:31 AM Chrstofthemoment: I APPRECIATE IT

10:44:31 AM browncorduroy: oh god how are you even going to review this

10:44:33 AM browncorduroy: asjkdshdjashd

10:44:34 AM browncorduroy: SIRIUS

10:45:31 AM Chrstofthemoment: I DON’T KNOW

10:45:37 AM Chrstofthemoment: there’s so much action

10:47:19 AM browncorduroy: i know

10:47:23 AM browncorduroy: and so much AWFULNESS

10:57:30 AM browncorduroy: 🙁

10:57:40 AM Chrstofthemoment: pretty much

10:57:51 AM Chrstofthemoment: it is a pleasant day here in Oakland and rowling has ruined it

10:58:35 AM browncorduroy: oh god i know right

10:58:42 AM browncorduroy: ps see my latest tweet TYVM

10:58:53 AM browncorduroy: PLZKTHX

11:07:35 AM browncorduroy: like honestly just from re-reading this i now just want to hide in my room forever and i had read it before

11:07:38 AM browncorduroy: several times

11:07:39 AM Chrstofthemoment: 🙁

11:07:51 AM browncorduroy: i mean i was already feeling like morrissey shat in my head

11:08:00 AM browncorduroy: so this is not helping thanks a lot jk rowling

11:08:08 AM Chrstofthemoment: HAHAHAHAHAH THAT TWEET

11:14:41 AM browncorduroy: WHHHHYYYYYYYYYY

11:14:57 AM browncorduroy: i feel like i should go re-read the first book or something

11:17:18 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh god because there is no tragedy?

11:17:21 AM Chrstofthemoment: it’s just cute!

11:17:25 AM browncorduroy: yeah!

11:19:19 AM browncorduroy: ughhhh

11:19:24 AM browncorduroy: UGHHHH

11:19:29 AM browncorduroy: is it too early to start drinking

11:20:13 AM Chrstofthemoment: probably not

11:22:10 AM browncorduroy: good

11:22:16 AM browncorduroy: because it’s alcohol or seppuku

11:27:28 AM browncorduroy: like i am so desperately unhappy that i had to update my facebook status

11:27:53 AM Chrstofthemoment: oh god

11:28:23 AM browncorduroy: and i would update my livejournal if i wasn’t planning on leaving the goddamn thing

11:28:25 AM browncorduroy: also

11:28:30 AM browncorduroy: i want to die

11:28:43 AM Chrstofthemoment: hahdsfjkhasdfjkshdflkasjhfd

11:29:09 AM Chrstofthemoment: i think i might try to go outside

11:29:16 AM Chrstofthemoment: so i don’t hurl myself off the roof of my building

11:29:16 AM browncorduroy: what is this “outside”

11:29:19 AM browncorduroy: hasjdhfasd a

11:29:21 AM browncorduroy: omg het just got home!”

11:29:23 AM browncorduroy: COMPANY

11:29:29 AM browncorduroy: also please don’t do a suicide

11:29:55 AM Chrstofthemoment: omg

11:29:56 AM Chrstofthemoment: HET

11:30:00 AM Chrstofthemoment: PLEASE HANG OUT WITH HET

11:30:05 AM Chrstofthemoment: i am going to be social with Rich

11:30:10 AM browncorduroy: omg

11:30:12 AM Chrstofthemoment: since I have been SOBBING AT MY COMPUTER FOR LIKE AN HOUR

11:30:14 AM Chrstofthemoment: A;SLKDJF;ADSJKF

11:30:18 AM browncorduroy: oh god WHAT IS RICH SAYING

11:30:19 AM browncorduroy: IS HE THERE

11:30:19 AM Chrstofthemoment: i jsut posted my review of 33 as well

11:30:20 AM browncorduroy: ASHDJSAHASJDHSA

11:30:21 AM browncorduroy: omg

11:30:24 AM Chrstofthemoment: IT IS NOT SAD AT ALL

11:30:27 AM Chrstofthemoment: AND IS A BULLETED LIST

11:30:32 AM Chrstofthemoment: AND LISTS ARE AWESOME AND NEVER SAD

11:30:33 AM Chrstofthemoment: READ THAT

11:30:45 AM Chrstofthemoment: omg brb

11:30:59 AM browncorduroy: omg


After I read this chapter, I sat on the floor for a few minutes and kept wiping tears away, thinking how stupid I felt for crying, and then realizing that it wasn’t really stupid because this was seriously one of the most disturbing things I’d ever read. So I told my friend we needed to get outside immediately because I could not read any further or attempt to formulate any coherent thoughts for a review.

We spent a couple hours skateboarding around Lake Merritt up here in Oakland and talking about the differences between where I used to live and he still does (Los Angeles) and the Bay Area. And I had that stupid EPIC SAX WALRUS song stuck in my head the whole time. THAT IS MY FAULT, OK. We made a full revolution around the lake before coming back to my apartment, where I proceeded to avoid even looking at Order of the Phoenix, let alone attempt reviewing it.

I made pizza, cleaned and vacuumed, did some organizing, played my guitar way too loud, and eventually realized I wasn’t going to leave the house until I committed to writing SOMETHING down, even if it wasn’t that good.

My friend Laureli (who’s been following my reviewing for a long time now and always has something interesting to say in the comments) IM’d me as I sat down at the computer.



3:02:07 PM Mark Oshiro: i just did

3:02:08 PM Mark Oshiro: ;(

3:02:11 PM Laureli: oh no

3:02:12 PM Mark Oshiro: i haven’t recovered

3:02:15 PM Mark Oshiro: ugh

3:02:13 PM Laureli: 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

3:02:17 PM Mark Oshiro: just typing this

3:02:19 PM Laureli: ohhh noooo

3:02:21 PM Mark Oshiro: i want to start cyring again

3:02:24 PM Mark Oshiro: crying*

3:02:26 PM Mark Oshiro: i read it like

3:02:29 PM Mark Oshiro: 3 hours ago

3:02:33 PM Laureli: oh god

3:02:37 PM Mark Oshiro: and i haven’t figured out a way to review

3:02:37 PM Laureli: now I’m going to start crying

3:02:45 PM Mark Oshiro: i am so utterly devastated and destroyed

3:02:58 PM Laureli: post a bunch of sad gifs

3:03:00 PM Mark Oshiro: jesus christ, it’s just nothing but tragedy

3:03:06 PM Mark Oshiro: oh god

3:03:07 PM Mark Oshiro: hmmmm

3:03:08 PM Laureli: and we’ll have a Sirius party in the comments

3:03:11 PM Mark Oshiro: there’s an idea there

3:03:56 PM Mark Oshiro: i think you actually just disrupted my brain freeze

3:04:13 PM Laureli: this is a good thing, yes?

3:04:35 PM Mark Oshiro: yes, it is

3:04:37 PM Mark Oshiro: but also

3:04:39 PM Mark Oshiro: ;(

3:04:44 PM Mark Oshiro: jesus christ i am destroyed

3:04:50 PM Laureli: 🙁 ;( ;( ;(

3:05:14 PM Laureli: JKR never gives up her hold on your heart

3:05:24 PM Laureli: you were doomed from the first page of Sorcerer’s Stone


In a way, she’s right. I never, ever expected these books to affect me on such a personal level, and it’s been a really long time since a book has hit me this hard emotionally.

What distresses me about the events of chapter 35 so much is that there’s no return from how awful the entire thing is. I had hoped, naively so, that there’d be some victorious comeuppance for Umbridge, and that the end would involve some sort of feeling of hope. But as I said in the AIM review, even if Harry found a way out, it didn’t matter anymore.

Hermione is unconscious. Ginny has a broken ankle. Ron is being choked to death somewhere. Neville no longer has a wand and has a broken nose. Moody is possible dead.

And Sirius is gone. Forever.

When Harry kept thinking that Sirius would just appear on the other side of the veil, I honestly believed he would too. Rowling couldn’t do this to him.

“There’s nothing you can do, Harry….nothing….He’s gone.”

I still can’t believe it. I can’t believe Harry could face anymore tragedy. But he has, and perhaps the worst of it all.

It hurts. I’m still devastated. But I’ve at least escaped the sensation that I legitimately wanted to quit this book and just disappear for a week or so. Much like Harry, I have to face the reality of a world filled with evil. And what the Death Eaters have done in this chapter is pure evil, plain and simple. The fact that they take such glee in causing mayhem, pain, and death fills me with rage.

But it’s just a book and these people aren’t real, I have to remind myself. They may seem like wonderful substitutions for things that enrage me in the real world, but this is just a book.

I don’t know when I’ll post the next review, but it might not be until tomorrow morning. I should finish the book Tuesday evening. We’ll do our liveblog this upcoming Saturday, September 11th, 2010, at 10AM PST. I’ll have other posts to fill in the space until then, so don’t worry about there being a gap in things to post on for those three days.

Ugh. I’m gonna go outside again. In the meantime, let us hold a party of sad gifs and Sirius macros/gifs. He deserves it.


– Luna being a BAD ASS.



– Baby heads.

– Kingsley being a badass

– Lupin being a badass

– Badassery in general

OH GOD I AM TEARING UP AGAIN ~what have i become~